Sam had a better day today. We had a firm discussion that despite his unhappiness and desire to go "back to his old school" he had to be nice to his new classmates and he could not hit them or his teachers. I think allowing him to cry and talk about his sadness last night helped him. I'm amazed that even at 4 he was in touch with his feelings and could verbalize them. I guess I've done a pretty good job raising my kids if he can talk about what's bothering him with some clarity.

This afternoon as I picked them up, I wanted to reward them for good behaviors...decided to get some videos and a treat. They just disintegrated in the video store...pushing each other, rolling eyes, sarcastic talk...typical sibling bickering and 9 year old drama...sigh... I put the candy and the videos back and we left the store. I won't tolerate poor behaviors, especially when I'm trying to do something nice for them. It's as if they thought it was an entitlement. LOTS and LOTS of tears on the way home and then I put them in their rooms. Ultimately, I got an unsolicited apology from my 9 year old daughter which was a victory for sure. My son had to be prodded a bit but that's typical of 4 year olds.

It is hard managing kids, especially by yourself. Regardless of the issues with Jane, which ARE a bit of an emotional drain on me right now, it isn't easy being a single parent. There was a fleeting moment a few weeks ago that I considered giving the kids up to go back to their dad full time. It was fleeting, but I was feeling so overwhelmed with everything...new job...solo parenting...Jane's stroke...and I wasn't even going to be her caregiver!!! EVERYTHING felt so crazy. I realized I could do it and I collected myself and pulled it together. But, yeah...it was tough.

I love my kids and enjoy having them with me full time rather than bouncing back and forth between both parents as they did for a few years. I think this stability IS, in the long run, better for them although the transition is going to be rough. Obviously, the issues with Jane complicate things. Both kids miss her...and they also sense my own sad feelings about it all. I am involved with them...movies, swimming pool, violin...I'm making it happen, but I'd be lying if I said it was easy. Being in limbo right now makes it tough. I'm trying to bring back some day to day joy, but I'm just not able to go there fully yet. I've talked about that with my therapist. She said making it happen...getting them to school, studying with them, playing with them, even if it isn't "perfect" right now is OK. It doesn't feel perfect...and I DO feel bad about that, but I am human and I am hurting. How do you do your job as a parent while simultaneously allowing yourself to feel worry and pain and hurt and concern for a loved one? Is there a "right way" to do it? I suppose not...

Jane and I always made the kids a priority with respect to OUR relationship. When her father died, I couldn't go to the funeral because Margaret got sick at the last minute. I was able to go to the memorial service last August...a year ago, but I missed the actual funeral. She always knew and accepted that kid issues were a priority. You might think that is a no brainer but I had seen so many friends who struggled with leaving a marriage and coming out and just left their children in the wake...moved in with new loves within weeks of meeting them. That just wasn't what Jane and I were about. We moved deliberately and slowly. Built our friendship, let things grow and nurture. Because most of our relationship was on the phone we learned to talk about EVERYTHING and work it out ALWAYS. We demanded and got brutal honesty from each other about our relationship. The kids were ALWAYS a priority and she had finally embraced being a step mom.

So yeah...this is tough and this situation affects all of us. I don't know if there is a right way to handle this and the kids. But at least I'm trying. I'm just looking forward to talking with her some time soon to see how things are going...I miss her horribly...