Tina:

I m really sorry for Mike's outburst, I am sure he is not doing on purpose, it must be assualt of his brain injury. I have read someplace frontlobe injury can make people do this kind of things. I know as it is things are hard on caregiver and top of that if person does not appreciate and does verbal abuse, it becomes more unbearable. I m sending you tons of virtual hugs. have you talked with his doctor about his outburst.

please hang in there, I know for sure without you caregivers I don't know where any one of us will be.

Asha

I had my Mum here with me with mild dementia, she had outbursts like Mike and the caseworker who was in charge of her respite said not to fight every little battle. So if she didn't want to shower or have her hair washed let it go till tomorrow. Choose a time when she is calm and then say:"How about a nice shower and I'll put your favourite blouse on you and get something nice for dinner?" and that did seem to work.

With a brain injury there seems to be a "wind up handle" somewhere so the more anxious, uncomfortable, unable to perform the person gets the more abusive they become. I guess without being able to run away from the situation I might do that too. One way to approach it is to prepare Mike well in advance for what is going to happen, like washing his hair, so he is ready to co-operate.Don't do anything you know might cause him to start this behaviour when your children are around. And remember Mike will have good days and bad days and in response so will you!

All caregivers think at some time that they have made a mistake in bringing the person home instead of putting them into a care facility. I know I do. And keeping them home through the ups and downs takes its toll. It is a situation I review every day. And after seven years I can say: "so far, so good".

Hang in there, you will have better days when being with Mike wipes out all other considerations.

(((hugs))) from Sue.

I can't add anythingo to Sue's excellent and practical advice but I can throw in some extra hugs. My heart goes out to you.

:friends: :friends: :friends:

Jean

hi I know what you are talking about as we have the same situation here and as you say it gets worse when they are tired or yourself yourself is out of sorts....we have a communication problem in that he sometimes thinks he is doing things the right way and they are backwards. I find I have to try and explain things in advance which sometimes works better than others, I wish I could pinpoint the reason he does this but also am at a loss as to what really triggers the irrational behavior... a child you can send to their room or give them a swat and they will usually get the picture... I think it has something to do with taking away their independence as they see it.. and maybe they can't see how they can gain control.. I have cried many a tear and also have thought of and alternative and then I put myself in his shoes and say no I can not do it ....I read a lot and hope to find the answer soon as it is very frustating for us both as we did everything together and never had to ask for help or hire help...lots of hugs

Thanks everyone,

I really don't think he wants to react the way he does but it sure doesn't make it feel any better. I have talked to his doctor about this before but the last time he was at the neurologist I told them it was getting better, which it was but now the progress with this seems to be going backwards. Mike was apologetic about a half an hour or so later so at least I can say that when it does happen we both say we're sorry and we move on.

Tina

Tina,

I know this is going to sound oh so trite...but.....water can be mopped up. I've learned alot of other things can be mopped up, too. I can sure identify with you when you say that things get a little more difficult when you are tired. You are doing exactly what I do - you are stopping to think about how you would act had the roles been reversed. When Bill would go into the bathroom in the middle of the night and I'd hear him going to the bathroom - but not because I heard it hitting the water in the toilet - I'd become so frustrated. In my blurry-eyed stupor I found myself becoming very irritated - and full of remorse over my attitude toward something he had no real control over. All I could offer in the aftemath was a hug and a kiss and an "I'm sorry, honey."

There is a verse in the Bible that says "a soft voice turns away wrath". I think that's so true. It's just great that you both can acknowledge the rough spots, apologize and move on. After all, that's what it's all about - moving forward.

Sometimes we do just have to raise the white flag and "give up" for the moment. That doesn't necessarily mean I've given up on our situation - I have just decided I'm not going to win every battle along the way!!

Warm wishes :hug:

I don't think I was descriptive enough in my entry because it wasn't really about the water or even my attitude. It was more about Mikes reaction. I guess what I should have said was that Mike says I am "b*******" I feel like I am requesting. Basically if he is in a mood I can not say anything more than once without it being considered nagging or b*******. And in order to not "set him off" I would basically have to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life or just plain not open my mouth about anything. Its not a matter of him getting mad at me or me getting mad at him. Its the things that he says that bother me and thank God I can over look it later. If I held a grudge for all the things that he has said it would be a very miserable house around here because the things he says to me are the most awful things I have ever had said to me.

Tina

Tina,

"Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you." Well, as adults we all know that that childhood phrase is a bunch of BULL, don't we. Words do hurt, even when you consider the source. They hurt a lot.

I hope you find the answer to your husband's out-bursts in the form of a different medication. Keep the pressure up on with his doctor. Be perfectly honest and graphic with him or her about the violent nature of your husband's out-bursts including things like him spitting in your face. You might want to ask to speak to the doctor out of ear shot of your husband so you can express yourself more fully.

:friends: Jean

Sorry I missed this sweetie...been lost in my own pain these days! I'm sorry about these outbursts...hopefully you can find some meds to help with this.