Hello - I am sorry for yet another depressing post :crying: - I have taken steps to try to remedy the situatino though. I just really HATE :Tantrum: that it always takes so long to get an answer on anything.

I know that I have severe depression - I know it is taking over my life - I am having trouble taking it back. It also doesn't help that: (men, you may wish to skip this part)

My girl has started and I think I may be having sympathy pains and roller coastre emotions - is that possible? I've always heard - and experienced it when I was living in the dorm at my air bases - that a group of women living together usually get on the same schedule...... it's just really weird because I've been off the HRT for six months now - since the stroke - and was surgically put into menopause six years ago.....any thoughts on this ladies?

Ok gents - it's safe to read again. There is still just so much going on in my life - I just cannot handle it all. The close friend base is growing ever smaller as I grow ever more bored and depressed.......my best friend has met a new gentleman - actually I think I spoke about him in an earlier post....he's from Ireland.

He came, he visited, he stole her heart as she did his......looks like wedding bells late next year...... While I'm glad for her -she really deserves a break :cheer: , as does her mom whom I am also close to.....I am also sad because that means that everyone will be relocating to the Emerald Isle (his work is not plentiful here and he has tenure at Galway College!) So feeling ever more isolated.....

My other friend that I believe I put an entry in on a whle ago that got mad because I was upset that she backed out on a very important doc appt for my daughter at THE last minute - causing it to have to be rescheduled for three months out! :lightsabre: Dealing with my girl's health here - that stepped over my line and I will not apologize for being upset - we are still dealing with the unknown mass on her brain and several other medical issues (getting PT and hopefully out of the back brace corset soon) - but still , as end result have not spoken to this "friend" since.

Also because of this rift - have lost another close friend as she does not want to get in the middle (can't blame her because she had nothing to do with it and she works as a child-care and house-helper for the mutual "friend" So - I don't get to talk to her either... doesn;t help that she had to move as well to another county because of her husband's job change (it's for the thr better for them and again am happy for them) Just having trouble adjusting to almost suddenly being friendless

Geez - feel like I'm in a war zone - dropping bodies left and right!!!!! :lightning:

More than a little tension with daughter also :pullhair: - the typical teen thing but am also in counseling with her because as of yet she still refuses to talk to nyone about my stroke and the changes it has caused..........causes tension at times. At least my ex-husban is stepping in and helpng with what issues he can. My girl has never liked his new wife and he knows it (as does the wife - they've been married for almost three years now - time to get over it and move on.........also being discussed in counseling....just stinks cause she and I have always been close and feel like I'm losing that......

Depression just keeps gwtting worse - think meds are NOT working.......

Left shoulder - affected side - not espondibg to therapy and cortisone shots....hurts like :furious: and interferes with the little sleep I am getting between the dripping hot flashes.....

Have fallen out of my usual routine as welll so I think that is not helping........totally unmotivated to move - and it hurts a lot to move too - never realized how much I used my shouldr.

I had been driving again but hard to close the door with that left shoulder - I should go to Ireland too I think that way I can quit straining the left shoulder(their car doors for the driver are on the right, yes?)

Trying to keep my sense of humor and searching every day for something to hold on to...........

Found a very powerful meditation today.......

"Your life will always be, to a large extent, what you make it."

"Your life is yours, you own it and what you make it , is purely up to you."

"Others may support you in your aspirations, but, in the end, it's your creation. You are your one and only boss, and with that awareness comes a special responsibility."

"Once you accept this responsibility and stop waiting around for others to make you happy, you will become unstoppable. Your life will change, all because of you."

"So, turn on the green light and GO!"

copyright -Meditations for women. All rights reserved.

I think I'm going to hold on to this one for a while - maybe make myself write this everyday for a while. I think a lot of my stuff is just fear, fear of finally having to deal with al the grief and all the loss and still come out on the other side sane and NOT in the fetal position! LOL

OK - moving on - next post I think will be all the good things in my life...... And I think I'm going to tackle the 100 things about me blog post challenge. Think I need to make myself a little busier - but is that avoidance of the issues?????? :head_hurts:

Thank you all again for your unwavering support and friendship - you are truly valued from this little computer in podunkville.

I'm ready for the next book discussion to begin!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thoughts, ideas, ponderings, all are welcome :hug:

Okay, going to bed - tomorrow is another day and it looks like I've got a lot to do!!!

The absolut BEST thing in my life is my DH! :horse: I would be lost without him - he is an endless source of cheerfulness and has a great attitude - he keeps telling me that I need to calm down and take things one step at a time....very hard for us type A's though.Every time I fall though , he helps me back up.....sometimes tooo much, but I wouldn't trade his love for anything.......he truly is the first person in my life to love me just because I'm me. He doesn't care what I do or how bad I *beep* up - he loves me anyway...I don't know what I did to deserve him.......I thank /God for him every day though.......he's a kook,, just like me....Our firsst date was a Three Stooges Film Festival! :dribble:

Oops, guess I said goodnight too soon.....

Other things bothering me.....

It is now officially six months since my stroke........I still want to wake up to be normal - is that a bad thing? I know that means I probably stilll haven't accepted it, huh?

Our first anniversary is coming up at the end of this month - what a way to start off married life! We are trying to go somewhere just for a day or two - I'm scared we'll go away and he'll really look st me and figure out that he can do better and probably should have a wife who can keep up with him - he's still an active 47. :juggle:

Ok - enough - going to bed - am freezing right now, will be hot and soaked through shortly - ugh :Argh: