The bearu of disability had me go for a mental exam as they say they couldnt determine whether I was disabled based on the MD reports they had so far. WHAT??? 3 cardiologists, cardiac interventionalist, 2 neurologists, a neurosurgeon, ortho surgeon, family MD, neuropsych and that wasnt enough?

I had an appointment for this mental exam a month ago and since I mix numbers in my mind, couldnt find the address since I mixed the number and took the wrong set of papers with me.

Had the appointment this past friday.

He asked me all about my past and present psych history and that of my family. WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MY STROKE????

I felt like I wass trying to get over on them or something.

Very depressed looking at my crazy life....I know it and live it as best as I can, ignore all that I caannot change and thats alot....but sitting there and having this guy dig it all up and make comments like thats terrible and wow...WTF??????????? (sorry)

Anyone there to help with this and that....no, I do the best I can....

I am so so sick of having to say honestly that I have NO caregiver....hey...I am doing the best I can!!!!!

I know it is NOT good evough...buy it is MY life and I am doing the best I can!!!!where is the credit for that????

the final thing he asked me was whether I ever consider ending it? and without hesitation I say OF COURSE, but I wouldnt....thinking that this is all there is is too much!

It is hurting my kids and I would rather be dead and a sad memory than to keep them from getting on with their lives and having some happiness. I will NEVER have them take care of me...I will keep pushing no matter how hard and how much pain I have to do what I need to do!!!!!

Im waiting for the men in the white jackets to bust in the door and drag me away any day now.

I F'in HATE THIS. I HATE WHAT I HAVE LOST!!!! I was really smart and could figure things out in my head....wing it....rig something up...I was respected by my peers for that...they came to me to figure out how to make something work....I cant do that now and feel the loss every day....

seeing this guy has just stirred up all kinds of depressing feelings and I need to bury them again....Gotta find some great big rocks to put over them but now it is harder to pick up those rocks than it was after the first stroke....

This is for me...purging all the bad why me feelings....

I have to get the rock that I always wanted to be at home with the kids and now I am....it has to be so big and I have to get the strength to pick it up again and put it on top of all the why me feelings that they are pulverized forever!!!!

I make no sense to myself

I made an appt to see my FMD on friday...the 13th....what luck!!!

Dont know what he can do th help me...no insurance to have any xrays or tests and I know that I need some pretty expensive ones....

Arent I worth more that some expensive tests?

not the way it is today in the world of make a buck...hospitals dont give free care anymore and I have a credit card with so much debt for all the bills from this year alone while I did have insurance...copays...

I am not complaining...just matter of fact about what I have to live with

I worked for 25 years as a nurse...helped others and when I am in need there is nothing...I am too young and since I have some income from LTD deo not qualify for the programs out there.

What a mess!

Gotta spend time looking at all I have to be thankful for....I was ok with all this before that exam....need to get back there.

I have been able to support my family alone for a long long time while my husband was out there and still is...he needs alot of prayers and a great big miracle for anyone who can pray...all the kids except the baby were able to graduate from catholic schools...and the baby had the last 2 years in public school...I feel like I let him down all the time...he gets the leftovers of me all the time.

things will get better with the help of God...my mother in law always said that...with the help of God....