Wendie, I could write a book on this subject but most of it would be about my dilemma so I'll concentrate on a bare outline.

I moved my Mum and Dad in with me as Ray came out of hospital after his 1999 strokes. I had them both here for four months ( Dad died in January 2000) and Mum here till September 2002. I don't regret what I did but will say caring for them all almost killed me. It was a HUGE committment, far too much for one person to handle.

I visited Mum today as I do most Mondays and Fridays. She is no longer mentally alert but still walks around, smiles, eats, whistles a sad little tune. She has good days when she is alert and alive to what is happening around her and bad days when she mostly sleeps all day and walks the corridors all night. She has a room of her own and very good care. It is a 26 bed hostel style lodge with a central courtyard and an inside walking track so ideal for a person like Mum who is still able to walk. As she went there for respite a few times she was familiar with the place when she moved in.

If she had been like Ray, physically disabled she would have had to go into a shared room in the nursing home. That would have been a harder decision for me to make. In the first two years she was at the lodge I could still bring her home, take her out to eat, bring her home for birthdays and celebrations so I still felt she was a part of the family. Then when she wouldn't get into my car for some reason that changed and I then just visited her twice a week.

We all have to make decisions about our elders, and sometimes about our survivors or ourselves - not easy. I knew when it was time for Mum to go into care as I was no longer coping and Ray needed more of my attention. So I guess you just have to trust that this is the right time for your Mum too.

I wish I was there to talk this over with you, dry your eyes and give you a hug.

(((Hugs))) from Sue.

Wendie,

I can't offer you any advice dear but I feel for you. So.....(((hugs))) to you.

Wendi:

I myself am clueless on what advice to give, I know secondhand caregiving is really hard, and that too taking care of two people will be really hard while you working full time. So I will pray for your strength.

Asha

I'm sorry for what you are going through right now, Wendie. I can look a this from two perspectives. Both my mother and Dad were in a nursing home at the same time. I didn't have a choice because I was not able to give them the kind of care they needed. Dad accepted the situation very well, but Mom was another story. I have two sisters and three brothers, but I was the only one still living near them, so it fell on my shoulders. I made sure they were well taken care of and would visit several times a week. I never felt guilty because I knew they were in a safe place.

Now I am the stroke survivor and my husband is my caretaker, with part time help from a young woman we pay to come in for a few hours each day. My husband is 75 years old and has a few health issues himself. Our children (we have four) will have to decide what to do when the time comes. None of them live here. I am hopeful that when that decision has to be made that we are both still able to help make the decision.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like your Dad went beyond the call of duty and perhaps needs a break. And I am sure he doesn't want to burden you and your sister. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

wendie, i too feel for you on this issue. but you need to remember its the best for both parents right now, your dad needs a break. i too had to agree to put my mom in a nursing home when dad was recovering from pneumonia, he had taken care of her for years and let himself get sick. it is never an easy decision, so i send (((hugs))) your way. you can always take her out for visits and maybe she can come back home someday. my dad was 80 and mom 75. i hated having to do it since i promised my mom she would never have to go to a nursing home. she picked the one she wanted to go to since she had worked at both of them in their small town. hopefully your mom will be well cared for and make new friends there and be involved in alot of activities there to keep her mind busy so she doesnt dwell in thinking about going home. sometimes we can't always bring our parents home with us to care for them. you do alot already and you need to care for yourselves first. if your mom has dementia, she would be safer at a nursing facility that is designed for those type of patients, especially if your dad works at night and she is alone. do not feel guilty over your decision. it is a stage of life. my parents bickered also. so i do understand how you are feeling. pm me if you want to talk about this with me. i wish you the best and try not to worry.