I just talked on the phone for two hours. Well, mainly I listened. It was quite a marathon as the person who rang me was quite emotional. It was a friend from years ago whose church is threatened with closure. So because he knew I went through this just on two years ago he thought I would know "ecxactly how I feel" and so he rang me. I gave a little advice, a lot of encouragement and said he could ring any time he wanted to bounce more ideas off of me. That was about the most I could do, promise to listen to what he had to say.

I have a bit of a problem as the year starts up again of people coming and asking if I would like to go on committees, teach Sunday school, look after a stall at the fete etc. Yes, yes, yes, of course I would like to do all those things. But in reality no I can't. I can't commit to being at a certain place at 3.30pm on a Wednesday every week (Kid's Club), be there on a Sunday morning at 9.30am four weeks at a time (Sunday School) or even organise something once a month. I have Ray to look after. Ray is not an afternoon person, he can't be left on his own so I have to take him everywhere I go. He is ok in the mornings but if I do Sunday school I can't accompany him to church. I'd need to be there early to set up etc so would have to get him up an hour early etc. You can see where I am coming from.

It is not so easy as a caregiver to live a life of your own. But I do try. This means my life is in three parts, those things I do for Ray, those things we do as a couple, those things I do for me. So doctors appointments, trips to specialists, pharmacy, blood tests etc - Ray. Dinners with friends, Lions Club, Apex40, church etc - us. Then there is things for me. This is all squashed into my free time, when Ray is in Daycare etc so it is a small slice of my life. But at least I do have that chance to be just myself. Friends comment on how different I am when I am not with Ray. Of course there is a difference - I am not being Nurse Susie, just funny old Sue.

I have thought from time to time that I am losing my mind, my personality etc. But I was talking to a young caregiver a few weeks ago and she said it is like forming a new community. You leave behind those people who were work colleagues, the people you served on committees with etc and you take up..in my case Strokenet and Dementianet, the people at Mum's Dementia Lodge etc. So you don't really lose those pleasant acquaintances, you just swap them for another bunch. I didn't agree at first, but thinking it over I can see some merit in that idea.

To do anything in life you have to put some effort into it. So I have been lucky in the things I have chosen to do like be involved here as a chat host and at Mum's Dementia Lodge where I talk to the staff, the other visitors, family members etc. I have been to a few social functions at the church and got to know a few people casually there as well as the craft group where I meet the same ladies once a week. I know a lot of people are reluctant to join groups but they can be a great source of support, whatever the nature of the group. So hobby groups, self-help groups etc can introduce you to people who remain pleasant starngers until you let them closer to you to become almost friends. To the shy this is hard I know but most of us can find something to talk about if we plug into special interests from our youth etc.

I joked with a friend tonight that I am fast becoming a "dear old duck". At my last church we had a nice woman in her nineties who had moved up from Sydney to live with her daughter. On her first trip to the shopping centre she ran into a family from her old church..as she left them she heard one of the sons say: "Who was the dear old duck?" She turned around and said : "I heard that." and instead of being embarrassed they all laughed. So that became their affectionate name for her and to the rest of us too when she came with them to our church. At her age, unable to walk fast or far she was our most prolific knitter, knitting rugs for the "poor old folk at the nursing home". Now twenty years later I am crochetting rugs for the next generation of "poor old folk". It gives me something to do and gives others something they need.

So what does all this have to do with being supportive? Lots. There are many ways of supporting others, listening, giving advice, hands-on helping, monetary donations. If you can't manage one way you might be able to manage another. So there is no reason to think there is nothing you can do, you can always do something to support others. In some cases there is a big cost in both time and money, giving up something you want to do in order to to help someone else. Even in extreme cases, like being a caregiver, giving up life as you've known it to that point. But there is ALWAYS a reward, new friends, a pat on the back, maybe just the satisfaction of seeing someone smile and knowing you had something to do with that. It is a benefit to all of humankind when you find out how you can use your talents to help others...in whatever way you can.