"Looking after Ray is getting more time consuming and I can see how people become prisoners in their own homes. It is sometimes easier to stay home than to keep putting pressure on yourself. Ray is happy on his verandah and going out is not always what he wants to do but I am the one who needs the social contact, without it I would go mad I am sure."

This is a quote from a letter I just wrote to an old friend. And it is the truth. It is getting harder and harder to get Ray out now. Today he had a shower nurse come as it is Tueday. It wasn't Jeff but was a woman we have had before. I came home after my walk and thanked her and off she went. That is when I realised Ray hadn't changed into clean clothes. I hadn't had them laying on the bed for her, so she didn't change him. She didn't see he had a stain down the front of the trousers or if she did thought nothing of it.

It is remembering all the things that has to be done on his behalf that is beginning to get to me now. If the respite carer asks him if he wants something to drink he says "no" but as soon as I come home he says he is thirsty. If the shower nurse asks if he wants his hair washed...clothes changed...clean socks... he says "no" so I have to change him again later if we are going to go out. As we were today, attending a funeral almost straight after lunch.

This is putting more pressure on me to give the carer a list of the things needed to be done. Today's nurse said she thought Ray was doing the exercises for flexibility, I told her he is doing them to prevent falls. She said she didn't know he had falls....duh! I guess each one does not get enough time to read all the notes so doesn't really know much about the conditions of the person they are showering or looking after if they keep changing all the time. I sometimes wonder what use the respite hours are if I do the work over again myself later.

Ray does very little of his own volition now. It is partly the increasing damage from the strokes and TIAs and partly the dementia causing him to lose the ability to initiate. So for most of the day I give out gentle instructions: "remember to wash your hands", "can you come to the table please?"," would you like some fruit with your cereal and then some toast?". It goes on all day until the last one:"would you like me to put the light out for you?" Despite what it sounds like it is not like having a small child as I have to treat him as my husband, friend, companion etc at the same time. If you are nodding here I know that means you have experienced the same thing with a parent, spouse or child. It is a hard line to walk sometimes when I just want to SCREAM at the slowness of it all.

The funeral we attended today was for a man who turned 100 last year. We didn't know him well but have been friends with his son and family for many years so we went to share our support for them. It was a great funeral full of many happy family memories and a lot of laughter,of course there were tears shed too but he had truly died "rich in years". It is wonderful when the good memories outweigh the sadness.

This is a busy week and I have a lot to fit into it to get ready to go away. This morning I took all the scripts to be made up so Ray has a fortnight's worth of medications for the respite. I suddenly remembered that my car was due for a service last week but that will have to wait until the week I come back now. There are two specialists appointments in that week too so that will be another busy week. I am beginning to wonder if there is an unbusy week ahead anywhere? Almost envious of that "shut in by snow" feeling that you have in the US in winter. Notice I said "almost"...lol.

We had a nice Easter weekend. We went to a family BBQ on Saturday with our older son and his family (family picture in the Gallery) and my sister and her husband were here for afternoon tea on Sunday afternoon. Two church visits (Friday and Sunday) and a bit of a rest day on Monday...well it was a rest day for Ray... I did nothing much apart from the shopping, some laundry, a bit of gardening etc. As a caregiver there really is not such a thing as a day off. Just days when I don't do all there is to do. And that means it is still there to do later in the week.

The side fence is up. The fencing contractor was clever as he just cut back my garden a bit at a time. It looked really nice over the Easter break. Today when I came home from the funeral most of it was piled on my front lawn..WAHHH!! Still I had said they could "cut it back as necessary" and it will all grow again...if I wait five years or so. The fence is a white picket fence with a brown trim, it goes the first 25 feet from the front boundary line so matches my neighbour's front fence. He is paying for it so I won't complain too much as he could have asked me to pay half. Not that he would have got the same kind of fence as he knew I would want something cheaper and less elaborate.

Tomorrow I have another long list of things to do..and Thursday...and Friday. I hope to see a few people in chat as it will be my last one for a few weeks ...hopefully only two weeks away as planned.

Sometimes time just passes, sometimes it flies.