Only three days before I go on holidays. It is a bitter sweet preparation this time. In one way I am looking forward to it, the family reunion with my daughter and grandchildren, that is a joy. There is the peace of mind of knowing I can rest in bed of a night without one ear open, not having to hop out of bed and start the day whether I want to or not. On the other hand it is hard to know how to prepare. Am I going into heat, humidity and rain or balmy autumn days? Hard to tell until I get there.

And then of course there is getting all of Ray's packing done too. I know he is an old hand at Nareen now and they make him very welcome but he is still leaving home for a fortnight. He will be back in a room he is familiar with and our old friend will keep an eye on him for me. But it is still hard for me to part from him, I love him and want the best for him. I know I cope better after a rest so maybe this is the best thing I can do right now.

I saw Mum today. I didn't see her on Monday so maybe I saw her with fresh eyes and I realised how thin she has become. When I asked the nurse clinician to check the files for me she said Mum has lost 10 kilos in the past year. That seems a lot of weight to lose without it being a cause for concern but I have seen the other residents there do it too, it is a change in metabolism. She assures me Mum is eating well and that she has no real health concerns. For a change Mum clung to me, usually she is almost oblivious to my presence most of the time but not today. It choked me up. She was like those small scared children you see who cling to someone else for comfort. But when I left she was okay, having her morning tea and "reading" her magazine.

I have been reading an e-magazine on Alzheimers and as part of a survey they came up with the idea that caregivers suffer "anticipatory grief" over a long period of time and a "loss of autonomy". We all know that is what happens, we grieve for what our partner has lost and all we have lost because of the strokes. We also lose not just our freedom to be a seperate,self-determining person but often jobs, homes and in extreme cases everything we have. In the case of those whose partners have severe deficits or a mixture of deficits like the stroke/dementia combination in becoming a full-time caregiver the caring partner sometimes gives up the "right" to be a seperate person and becomes 24/7 focussed on the survivors needs, often neglecting their own needs.

I read as widely as I can, on the net, all the mags available at my doctors and any brochures or pamphlets I see on Stroke or Dementia. Here I read the posts, the blogs, the bios, the Newsletter Lin so efficiently edits and any other material I can get that might help me understand stroke and the effects it is having on Ray, on me and on our family. "Knowledge is power" one of our local colleges used that as it's motto, I don't ascribe to that theory but I do believe in the saying: "forewarned is forearmed" so I "arm" myself with as much information as possible so I am ready to face whatever comes along (I hope). I also share when appropriate the knowledge I have gained to help others, just as many do here. It is a comfort to be part of a world wide support group.

I did a couple of hours work in the garden this afternoon and you can hardly see any improvement. There was such a spurt of growth after a week of heavy rain a fortnight ago followed by a week of sunshine and the weeds appeared as if by magic and invaded every square inch of the garden. I guess what I can't do before I go will still be here when I get back but I'd love to have the time to get rid of them all NOW. That's another one of my faults, I want it and I want it NOW! My impatience is like an ingrown toenail, I have to keep on working on it all the time!

And so this may be my last blog for a couple of weeks. That does depend on whether Shirl brings her laptop home so I can check on the posts and blogs as I did last time I was away. That way the "withdrawals" will not be too severe. But I will miss you. I will miss knowing what is happening and also the warm support so many people give me. I really appreciate it so much. Of course I have some of that in real time too from close family and friends, but they are not available for a chat before breakfast ( I had breakfast and chat this morning) or late at night to help me when I can't sleep and come on to read some of the recent posts. But I will have the family and with a little bit of extra effort they should tire me out nicely.

In days long ago, we sent out "thank you" letters to those who had done us a service or given us a gift. It is hardly done these days but this is a "thank you" to all who will read it, for all you have done, or for just being there.