Ruth, I am so sorry you are not close to me as I would rush right over and give you a big hug! We wouldn't have to worry about Dick and Ray as they would be talking and not listening and fill an hour or so with that before they both got bored!

Yes to most of what you said: losing yourself, putting your survivor first, last and in between, being a "widow with a living husband", missing the man he used to be etc. Yes to the agony of making the decisions about the mower, the fence, the roof, all those decisions that were formerly made by your husband. Yes to asking them NOT to expose themselves in front of the family and yes we do still count.

BUT we do still have rights as well as responsibilities and one is to have time off and time out. Time off is when someone else is looking after our loved one, paid help, a family member, whoever offers. Time out is the next half an hour, playing computer games, chatting on Messenger or chat here, talking on the phone. I say to Ray: "I will be busy for the next half an hour and will get you something after that." If he asks for something I say: "Soon, I am busy right now."

At first this was not a success but practice makes perfect. I know Sarah (spacie1) puts a comedy DVD on for Gary so she can chat for a while in Caregiver Chat. So whatever you can use to distract Dick for a while use that to take some time for yourself, it will help to give you a break and lower your stress levels.

The obsessive behaviour is another problem.Some caregivers find that a schedule helps as it stops the survivor/dementia sufferer from keeping on asking what is happening next. So plan your week, allocate time for the things you MUST do, and some time for the things you'd like to do and go from there. If it get worse your husband needs referring to a gerontologist who specialises in dementia as there may be medication for it. Try and find ways to distract Dick and distance yourself from the problem. Try not to take things personally as much as you can. It surely will build up your stress otherwise.

(((Hugs))) from Sue.

Hi Ruth,

I, too, can identify with all you've said. Do you know whether there is an Alzheimers support group in your area? I attend a meeting each month and it was there that I realized most that I am not alone. Bill is treated for the dementia through his neurologist. It's funny - not ha ha funny - I was thinking the other day how lonely this is.

Bill hasn't started with the aggressive behavior yet. He does sit though with this awful look on his face. It is hard for me to handle because I'm sure he is thinking something, just isn't able to act on the thoughts. When I ask him he says he isn't thinking about anything. I have to admit I do feel so sorry for him. Maybe the good thing for our husbands is that they don't really realize what is happening to them.

I have learned how to deal with the obsessive thoughts and that is, as you said, just not talking about a situation. I've had to do that with his care partner. If I tell him the night before that his care partner is coming the next day I can forget about sleeping. I just make the plans now, then tell Bill when he needs to get ready.

Yes, we all need to get together sometime! I bet our experiences will be amazingly similar.

Love to you -

Ann