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handicapped single parent


mcdube

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As I had mentionned before, I was divorced 2 years before my stroke. Those 2 years as a single (full time) parent to 2 young boys(Dan 1 and Marc 4 ), I had my hands full but I managed fine. I was a good mother with moderate rules and discipline. 5 years after my stroke, I regained part time custody(joint custody) I had missed being a mother to my kids, Having them for visits every second weekend felt like they were visiting their aunt. I hated it. The kids were now 6 and 12. It seems, everything had changed, somehow, I felt intimidated, like if I made a wrong move, I would lose custody. Also where as before, when they were babies I decided everything but now I felt that they should have a say, an opinion . Why did I go from a parent who was fair but was able to have rules and discipline to a permissive parent, scared of losing them again. Did the stroke do that? or had I just lost all my self-confidence. I did the best I could but I have to admit I probably put too much responsability on my kids' shoulders (especially Marc the oldest) I relied on him too much I now think. I asked him to do chores I had a hard time with, since I was alone, he was my emotional support, especially in the later years when his brother was a hard to handle teenager. I realize the error of my ways today.

 

In 2001, I had to quit working because of a burnout. I didn't just quit work, I quit everything. I lost the rest of my self-confidence. My, now adult kids took over most of my responsabilities and I literally gave away my power. I was really depressed and I couldn't make any decisions concerning my financial matters, budget etc. My oldest son , I am ashamed to say, took over my budget and doled out the money I needed to pay my bills, my rent (at first, then my mortgage). By the same token, he decided what I could do as enetertainment, trips, etc. I had become the child and he, the parent. Then in 2005, I met the man of my life and I fell in love.

 

Everything changed after that. I became the independant person I had been prestroke, I took over my budget and took over the responsabilities I had let go of. My sons were shocked and didn't appreciate handing over the reins I had let go of. They were insulted and felt pushed aside because I now had a man in my life. They thought that my lover had taken over the responsabilities I was now taking away from them. They were wrong, the only thing that happened is with my new life, I snapped out of it and took over what I never should have let go of. My sons and I have become estranged since mynew relationship. To no avail, I have tried to make them understand that I wasn't pushing them or the rest of my family away but they needed to understand that now they were adults, they were no longer my dependants and I was lucky enough to have a chance at love, they should be happy for me instead of expecting me to sit at home until they had time to visit me(because the last few years, they were busy with their own lives and I always felt I was bothering them when I called). Unfortunatly, they did not see it that way, neither did my family(parents, brother and sister who took their side and also became estranged.)

 

Now I have a new love in my life (going on 3 years now) but I lost the rest of the family because they made me choose. My handicap today is only an afterthought, after 24 years, I am used to being different and doing things differently though since I met Andr

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Wow! This is a very powerful message and one that hit home with me especially yesterday, Thank you for sharing. We do enjoy your posts.

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hey Marie:

 

your blog reinforced my belief that I should be financially savvy. you know prestroke my hubby handled all financial stuff since he is CPA and more knowledgable in that area. and I had very decent paying job I never bothered to learn. post stroke it was same for a while but it bothered me that I don't know lot of financial stuff that goes around in our house. so slowly I am learning all the ropes. because of his encouragement I am right now learning accounting. your story makes me realize it's always good idea to know all these financial stuff.

 

I feel bad that your family is estranged due to your love for Andre. but at the same token take incharge of your own finances and hopefully you are not depending on Andre for all that. I feel only after marriage you should trust anybody with your finances. atleast in marriage you stil have protection of law.

 

 

Asha

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Hi Marie,

 

Very powerful blog. May I suggest that you perhaps print this up and send to your family. I can understand ad empathize with you very much as my life has run similar parallels.

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Marie,

I agree with Donna a very powerful blog. Having been a single mother with 2 boys at the time of my stroke...some very good food for thought thank you.

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