• entries
    55
  • comments
    120
  • views
    5,859

Young and beautiful, old sick handicap, and Dick Clark

bartszatmary

Entry posted by bartszatmary

529 views

 Share

I know Whats wrong with me, I had a stroke. No really folks. Its my wifes fault, shes young, smart and beautful, and Im old, forgetful, and handicaped instead of being happy Im insescure. Then I think Im jealous, she works drives has health and is in control(shes smart and beautiful). I dont think the control is a issue, its my lack of that hurts( and she is smart sand beautiful). I have to depend on her, that scares me, its not just trust, its my lack of ability(and shes smart and beautiful). I have dumped alot of stuff on her in the past, but now I really cant do it. Dont forget the young and beautiful part. Before I might of given her security, now all I give her is broken dreams,and a hard time. All she wanted is to be happy. How can she be married to a broken man like me, an old handicaped unemployed bum, and her, she could have the world at her feet. Shes a better person then me beautiful inside and out. A yr ago she saw Dick Clark she thought it was amazing how good he was doing(beautiful and caring), I on the other hand thought how could he go out in public( I was mesrable and shallow even then). Thats a big one, shes better then me I dont deserve her. Never did, that hurts now. I could find excuses before, but how a man who takes 2hrs to just type this blog make could make her happy, who could want that? Her staying by my side makes her that much better then I, that hurts. Maybe Im nasty to push her away. I really thank thats a big part of it. Love and self loathing. Push her away, shes better off, she could find the happiness she deserves, and Im devastated and the world topples down on me like I desrve. Then I could hate myself even more. What a sick idea. Im nuts. See See shes so wonderful its all her fault. I know you agree. Ok You say Im a miserable sicko and Im nuts and Its my fault. Ok. Ok It is. Its my fault and Dick Clark looked great. Happy New Year.

 Share

3 Comments

Recommended Comments

AZ Leah

Hi Bart: When I get in the dumps I try a gratitude list. and/or what I can do not what I cannot. You are blessed to have a smart and beautiful wife. and there is a lot you CAN do. Start with that and go forward. I know stroke stinks but as for me, I could be dead and not be able to look at the clouds or smell the roses. We are here for everyone, ugly, dump, old or smart, beautiful and young. None of us are perfect. All we need to do is try hard. Blessings for 2009, Leah

Link to comment
Ann3042

Bart, ok ok, so she's smart and beautiful. You are way to hard on yourself my friend. I do the same thing over and over and over. You cannot place this kind of guilt on her. you will loose her. Allow her to love you and take care of you. I am sure you would do the same for her. honestly that is true love. Taking care of one another. most marriage vows say For Better or worse. Please don't concentrate on the worse, concentrate on the getting better, make it your new years resolution to get out of that pity party and use your energies to get better for you for her, ok now stop it Bart, you too have purpose in life. find it and quit dogging yourself so. No matter how you acted before, no one deserves a stroke, now pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. COME ON NOW... GET IT TOGETHER, God spared your life for reason, think of your life as a gift and ask God for his help. ok.

Ann

Link to comment
HostSally

Hi Bart I'm Sally- Wife of Stroker- and I want to tell you to get on with your life it's Ok to had a pity party now and then but as Bonnie says don't forget to flush.

We caregiver did not ask for or want the jobs that we have but we do them cause we KNOW that it would be the same if the shoe was on the other foot. I'm glad that I can help Don out and I'm sure that your wife feels the same way. Try to be as nice as you can as some days in the caregivers world are not all that fun and a few nice words can go a long way . Take care Sally

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×