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About this blog

a day in the life and a thought

Entries in this blog

High functioning, handicap, no. Challanged yes

I remember In rehab when I was told "I was high functioning" I almost puked. One day the smartest person in school, Bam! High functioning. What a blow, I could almost always say " Im the smartest person youll know" and it would be true until now. Im handicaped, like in horse racing. I thought about that, I liked it. Not disabled, I can, but slower. I was happy as I could be with that word. Today I was talking to my police cheif, and he said" giving me a handicap would be cheating the race must b

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

The washer machine

I was washing clothes while they went sleding I did feel good and useful, like a good house husband! Then the machine broke down always some thing.

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

sex drugs and rock and roll

Well this has nothing to do the tittle of this blog but it your eye. I think Im doing ok. Ive been living life as normal as I can get. I did miss out on the family going sleding. Its new being handicap. I m trying to forget that Im different Im getting better at it. Dont like it but living with it. Ill see what the next step is.

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

weekend off

I decided to take the weekend off. My wife and are having people over sunday for the game. We are steelers fans and our friends ravens its not there fault blame the parents.Lol We get flack being in maryland. We should have fun. Well Im off to enjoy my wife, family, and friends. But first Ill help Kelly get ready. Have a great weekend! GO STEELERS!

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Movies

When life gets you down. You wish you were not here. "Its a Wonderful Life" I even have a loose thingie on our stairs. See I was depressed me whole life. For years I lived like its no tomorow. My life was meaningless. I always wished Id die. My 40th birthday I started to live Its new to me and I screwed up big time in 8 yrs. I had a chance sept 30 the chance I always wanted. I stoped beathing. I got to go where I always wanted. It was calm. I came back. Its a wonderful life. Ok its sucks sometim

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Lazy days!

I took a few days off. We had a party at the house. I had a bit to much wine but all had fun. This morn I was up at 700 am I did my phy exercises, taking a break my arms are shacky. After the blog work on on my hand, I use hair bands to work fingers, they cramp after but... no pain lil gain. But gain. I feel normal sometimes until I try a task, I am reminded, somethings are easier some not. The hard is the mind I read, Im a internet fool just to read and type, write on comp. I have been drawin

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

A handicap a man and his life

Im just not starting to care. As I lay me down to sleep I pray my Lord my soul to take......Uh ..I changed my mind Ill wait you never know it if can worse. Just want find out. Amazing what a little sleep will do.

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

A handicap A man and his wife

I Typed for 2 hours I lost 2 blogs I lose most this, this time I lose most of the text like I lost me. Well the Blog was about a Man his handicaps what he lost like the text and his wife and his feelings. I remember When Kelly was proud of me could see it when she introduced me. Now how she be proud now how could she be even happy how can she look at me and say Im glad I have Bart. Every time we go out I look at her watching out for me.how can a man be happy how can man not be angery all the

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

A broken vacuum, a failed day

I decided i could take thw speaker wires that surround the living room and fix them and start to attach them to the moulding. It would be neater and easyer when sweeping. Well of course I cussed alot while I was doing the project. I was moving somthing in the hallway. I didnt grap it right and knocked stuff down breaking the vacuum. She got mad. My only goal was to be good to her and not anger her.I failed. The progect was to make life easyer for her. I have not finished my project. The hard

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Just for today I will......

.... have kind thoughts about everyone. I will only say nice things. I will will kind to everyone I see and myself. Ill help around the house take out the trash, sweep the floor, and do the dishes. I will be sweet and kind to my family. I will be loving to my wife and Ill. I will... but just for today. Tommrow is another day. I was told to livelife in the present, I realize I plan for the future alot and forget about today. When the plans dont happen for any reason, I then have nothing and, look

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Todays another day

Kelly is off. So I share the puter. So this will be short. I lifted somthing today Im weak on the left guess Ill do somthing about that today. I went for my walk. It was cold, great to get fresh air. I met my replacement at work, a nice guy as long as hes there Ill have a job to go back to. I was about ready when I had #2. How who knows. Kelly has done the papers for ssdi Its in her hands she explanes , I forget, I wonder how it is to be married to "Pudden Head". Must be hard, even harder marr

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

A thought? That hurts!

I crave more emotional support from my wife maybe to be cottled, but do I? It bugs me when my mom does. She is doing everything for me. Im a bigger idiot then I knew. I crave her to say she needs me, she dont need me. I need her. Kelly if you read this Im sorry I wanted you to be weak telling me I have to get better that you need me. Am such a dope I wanted you to be weak to boost my spirits .... heck Im a piece of $$#%@. At the same time I NEED you to be strong do everything for me. Im a cree

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Its cold raining day. no walk.

I dont need to get sick so. What to do. Arm exercises first, that leaves me wiped out. Ill do eye exercises my eyes want to see dbl close up, weak lft eye I sure. Im sure eveyone here nows how hard it is. I long for the look admiration and desire from my wife, I love her so but pushed her away because Im a idiot. The good thing is now I know . I have alot of physical work, and cogitive work to do but maybe today I work on spiritual. Ever notice blowing your nose is hard to do post stroke? You

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Time lost!

I have realized that I lost alot of time with my stroke. The year or so before is more fragmented then childhood memorys. Barely can I remember days of working for the town. Forget the mths before, weeks, days. No wonder I get paranoid. I piece things together. To I have it right? Was I really Elmer J Fudd and I owned a mansion and a yacht? I have a nice house a boat in the drive, but it ant no mansion and yacht. As things get put together I hope Im happy with it.

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Oh!#% My arm dont move, #$#@me my leg! I cant

see! Im Falling Jason got me.Im hot! I cant breath. Im on the ground I cant talk ! &@@#$thanks Jason. I cant breath ...... Zora is in my mouth. Shes in my mouth cant breath! Wait whats going on. I cant feel my arm my leg ok oh&^% I cant feel my left side of my chest. STROKE! CVA! ##$ I cant believe it I in touble now. Wheres the ambu wheres the box! They keep asking me ##$ I cant answer! Cant see cant talk Im ##$ ed.In the box O2 I can breath. Running HOT its bad Im right CVA stroke sc

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

pain

I dont know why Im in killer pain, toes curl, leg, arm, neck and head. If I dont post You know why. Im calling out sick. I I feel better I be there. Good night. Its morning I was awake early i posted a few things on different sites then went home to Stroke Net. I said I was going to beat it and Im going to. This post will be short because I need to move before I cant. This morning I promised I will not let my mouth hurt anyone. The part of the brain that died was the filter between my mind and

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Sitting, typing, spelling what a job.

Alot of thinks Im working with is right on the edge. A wrist brace, one for ankle was suggested. I wanted to try with out it first The wrist Im leaning twards asking now. It takes alot to not have it curl up, I get tired from just keeping it streight. My ankle hurts went I sit it wants to curl. I could not remember how to spell any a damn 3 letter word. It takes me hrs to type this blog. And Im proud of it. I can keep my head up that I have not let it beat me, I sure got beat up by this thing

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

French toast eggs, and my wife.

My wife is off. I had french toast eggs and tea. My wife sat with me for a little while, great morning, where is she how? My blog will short today I taped my rt hand so can only use my left, its tired already, hey wheres Kelly have you seen her? Im going to check on her. See ya.

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Young and beautiful, old sick handicap, and Dick Clark

I know Whats wrong with me, I had a stroke. No really folks. Its my wifes fault, shes young, smart and beautful, and Im old, forgetful, and handicaped instead of being happy Im insescure. Then I think Im jealous, she works drives has health and is in control(shes smart and beautiful). I dont think the control is a issue, its my lack of that hurts( and she is smart sand beautiful). I have to depend on her, that scares me, its not just trust, its my lack of ability(and shes smart and beautiful). I

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Poop, I feel it, Ill pick it up

I have felt like poop Ill pick it up in the yard. We have a rottie 100lbs and a 130lbs newfoundlander mastiff mix you can imagine I got poop in the yard. Ill clean that up, walk and go from there. I decided no matter what happens Im going to have my head high, be proud of what I can do. and be happy with what I have. Im going out this year happy proud and secure in myself and coming in with the new year the same way. Watch out I have a cane and Ill beat you out of the way, I have places to go

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Loser

Im a loser, I feel crap, the pain sucks, I suck, Im depressed and just hurt the one I love, the meds dont work, the drs give the run around, they dont give a crap, I cant stand it. Everyday I sit and type the spelling does not get better, the typing does not get easier or get better. It seems all I do is fail. No Im good at hurting my wife. Shes a great person and Im a loser. Its hard to be happy or positive when whatever you is a major ordeal and you suck at it. Ask me a question but wait for

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

Broken hearted and alone

My family went out to celebrate my step dtrs boyfrieds birthday. They all live in my wife and I s house. This morn it was a home but to night its just a house. Im broken hearted Im forgotten. again. I wigged out at my wife I got in my truck and left I was stupid I drove fine but came home if anything happened sahed suffer, but I told her before how it hurt me. I give up. Not once since I had the stroke has my wife told me shes glad I made it. Not once did she go to give me a hug and a kiss I a

bartszatmary

bartszatmary

The dogs, walking them,cleaning around the house

I got my leads for the dogs and I walked them last evening. Not easy but I did it. I swept the floors vacuumed washed dishes and..... Oh cleaned the porch. My arm is killing me. been killing me for a week Im sick of it. Somtimes I wish I died that day. I work at it to get better but as bills pile up and Im not working and I feel for my wife. She would have been free if I didnt start breathing again that day. Dont get me wrong I feel bad for her but shes stuck w/ me! Oh! crap I just got a head

bartszatmary

bartszatmary