Do I Watch Or DO I jump on?
Entry posted by jjohnson
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OK: I've been at the train depot all day..... Finally, I asked myself that big question:
"It doesn't matter where the train is going, What matters is deciding to get on."
Do I just want to look at life as it is going by OR Do I want to get back on that merry-go-round and join in...
I truly have to ponder that thought for a bit. Things have just been very tough lately. I try really hard never to compare myself with others. Can't .... Strokes differ for everyone. I am an individual person, I have my own thoughts, opinions, likes and dislikes, etc. The common thread that holds together for this group is the fact we have all experienced the Beast. STROKE
Don't get me wrong, I truly care about everyone here. We are all on a journey. Each day is truly our decision. Do we wanna play or not?
I wanna take part in this game of Life, I really do. At times, I just don't feel I have the right piece to play in this game, you know how everyone gets a piece of the game to use as their lil thing to move around the board of whatever game you are playing together. Well, this isn't a game I am playing, this is a game of Survival. I've already played "Survivor" Joined that game without even sending in an application to be on the show. Reality Shows.....
Yes, I guess by now you can gather the tone of this entry, I have been going through a lot right now. A lot of different feelings..... I long to be the "Ole Jan"..... I truly do. There are things my Hubby wants, big ticket items, a Big screen tv, his tv is on it's last leg ..... I don't want him not to get it, however, these sorts of things I feel one needs to start saving up for. I know he deserves it. His only enjoyment it seems is #1, Harley, #2, smoking his cigs, #3, watching his tv. I just get a lil nervous cuz of what is in our bank account. You remember the words your Mom would always say: You need to save up for a rainy day. Well, they ring so loud for us, as of 2003. I feel we never know what is coming around the bend. I want him to get his television, he deserves it. I feel like such a bad wife. I do.
Well, I thought after all the above stuff, what could I do to pitch in and help out more.
OH, our washing machine did die. So, Wayne has to go out and get another one. SEE, the rainy day stuff my Mom warned me about, there it is, gotta be prepared. Good thing I was a Girl Scout.
Anyway, I wanted to get a shower. Wayne and I didn't have such a good day on Saturday. So, I said to myself:
Jan: There's Nothing To It BUT TO Do It..... So I got myself into the shower and I got a shower. I was so amazed. I prayed the whole time, cuz I truly didn't want to fall and have to call 911 and let them see me in my Birthday Suit.
Only problem with this trying to do more was: I can't dry myself totally off cuz I can't bend in those ways to reach all of them nor can I get my britches and shoes and socks on. BUT, I did get myself in and out of the shower. So, there was a lil growth. But, I had to humble myself and ask him if he would be able to help me and I even apologized and told him how much I appreciate all he does and has done for me. I have always been the type of person who says they are sorry and even "YES, I was wrong." And that is no BS, that is truthful from my heart. I know how hard this has been for me, My goodness, look at him? I feel so bad for him. I feel as though I have ruined his life. He doesn't deserve all of this. His golden years.
Anyway, I don't know about all of you, but when I get into this type of "space" that I found myself in.. I like to listen to music. This one song came on and it hit home to me BIG TIME. I wanted to share the words with you and give you the take I got on them when I listened to them.
Just bear with me on these, I bet a lot of you think: Heck NO. but, plse read the words and my take on them. OK?If you want to share your take, plse feel free to do that, maybe they would be words of wisdom for me.
Lyrics to Not Ready To Make Nice
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I
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