I had another call from my telco's complaint's department to say my problem has been fixed...but every ten minutes or so the lines drop out and the computer freezes and an error message comes up...so how "fixed" is my problem? I will just keep logging the drop-outs and hope that on Monday I can get onto another operator in the complaints department and...complain!

Today has been a day of frustration, maybe some Fridays are like that in whatever situation you find yourself in. There always seems to be a list of leftover jobs from previous days and no more time to do them in than usual. So today I wanted to spend my three hours off in about eight different ways. That is a silly thng to do I know, so no wonder I just did three of them - three hours doesn't take long to go. Ray had his regular carer Jeff and I know he is fine with him. Tuesday's shower nurse never turned up, so I rang and complained about that. It has been a week of complaining.

I had to leave the dementia support group just as the mentor was getting into an interesting subject. Most dementia patients eventually get a curved neck, guess there is a technical term for that, and spend most of the time looking at the ground. This in part leads to not being able to concentrate, recognize visitors etc. So he was telling us to arrange pillows so that the head is back and the eyes can then focus forward. This does not apply to Ray but it does to my mum who I visit twice a week. Not that she is bed-bound as yet.

Today Mum was a pitiful sight as she had had another fall and really banged her head, so she had a big bruise on her forehead and two black eyes. She mostly slept while I was there. I was so sad to see her like that. Every time it happens I think I should never have put her in there, I should take her home etc. But I know that with Ray as well I am never going to be able to do that. It is no-one's fault that she has the falls. She still walks round and round the corridors of the dementia lodge where she lives, that is her whole life now. She eats a little, sleeps a little and walks and walks and walks.

I am trying to get a fix on some of the problems I have to see if some of them are solvable. Like most people I have a lot of outstanding maintenance jobs so I need to find a handyman to do some of them. This is no easy task, to find someone who is reliable and will know what they are doing. I need a few odd plumbing jobs done, a person to give a quote for a pergola where my flower house is currently falling down and someone to fix my front screened windows. The front part of the house was last renovated 25 years ago so is due for some repairs. This is when I miss the carpenter/handyman who used to be my husband Ray prior to the strokes. He was so good with tools, I wouldn't have needed to look elsewhere for a "Mr Fixit" I had one on the premises.

I still find it hard even after nearly ten years to do the jobs that Ray once did. He used to do all our repairs, mowed the lawn, did the heavy gardening, did all the odd jobs. This slowed down a bit after the 1990 stroke as he was left with fatigue, more so some times than others. He did go back to work for 8 1/2 years but he slept as soon as he got home and some weekends he'd do a couple of jobs and sleep both Saturday and Sunday afternoons. But he was still our maintenance man, our lawn mower etc, it just got done a lot less frequently.

I took over a lot of the chores even when I was working full-time. One of the reasons I dropped back to working only three days a week was so I had more time at home, more energy to bear the extra load. I simply don't know how anyone can look after someone who needs full-time care and work as well. It must be an astronomical job. Now of course with vascular dementia added to the mix of Ray's disabilities he needs 24 hour care. One of the reasons I now suffer from tiredness a lot of the time. I know it is just the way it is, I am explaining not complaining.

There is till a tiny part of me that misses the old life and wonders what life would have been like if Ray had not had the strokes. Would we have been half-way around Australia, walking on a deserted beach in Western Australia, sitting in a pale blue ocean pool, going fishing, picking up shells? I would say so as that was one of the dreams we shared. It is the dream that half of the population of Australia subscribes to, the dream of looking around our own beautiful land. And then maybe heading off shore, looking at the rest of the world, seeing all the other fascinating places featured in any travel program, the Pyramids by moonlight, the Taj Mahal etc etc. In every country there is beauty in the wonders of reef and beach and mountains and so many places exotic and faraway and we will never see them together as we'd planned.

But most of all some days I just want a fairy godmother - can anyone put me in touch with one? I want to go out, dressed in my best, and have a wonderful, memorable night out, one I will remember always... I am too old to bother with a Prince Charming though...much too old, much too tired. And Ray was a divine dancer in his youth so I have been there and done that. Before I get too old I would just like one more go at the bright lights, the music, the entertainment...the sights and sounds of people having a wonderful time.

But right now I would settle for my internet working.