Sorry, sorry, sorry everyone for missing my caregiver chat again today. I "thought" my internet was fixed...but it only lasted about four hours! So I was off the air again. This morning ( your Tuesday night) the telco cut us off so they could re-attach the land line at the exchange, which they said was the last check they could make. So hopefully the line is as clear as a bell all the way through now! I certainly hope so as I have been four weeks without a reliable internet. I have used the computer internet cafe booth at our shopping centre ( 20 mins for $2), visited friends and used their computers etc. Now I hope mine is up and running and here to stay.

On the homefront I have just been maintaining Ray as best I can. I know caregivers will understand that statement. It means I feed him healthy food, make sure he does his exercises, has his medication on time, has adequate rest etc. We did bloodworks last Tuesday but won't have the results till next Monday. He seems okay, his "accidents" have decreased somewhat, he has only had one fall in a fortnight and his arms are also free of bandages as all his previous bumps and grazes are now healed. He is perhaps increasingly vague about what he has done, where he has been etc as well as what day it is so I guess it is the dementia advancing again.

I have been really missing the internet as it has become one of my chief sources of support. My cyberfriends here and on Messenger mean a lot to me. I can't phone a real-time friend at 6.30am or 11.30pm but with a little bit of luck I can find someone on line to talk to. Talking to someone suspends for a time the loneliness of being a caregiver with limited access to the outside world. The times Ray likes to sleep in other circumstances would have been my visiting time, my chatting time, my support-seeking time. So coming onto the internet fulfils some of the needs I have in that area.

I am again considering what I do with my time. Like everyone else who is "retired" I have housework and yardwork to do, I have the extras to do that are involved in looking after Ray's needs, on some days that fills the days. But what do you do with weekends? On weekends there are no doctor's appointments, no regular committments apart from church on Sunday mornings. In the old pre-stroke days we were busy, that was the yardwork time and there were BBQs here and visits with family friends etc. Once upon a time we even had weekends away! Now on Saturday afternoon when Ray is napping I feel "hollow". Suddenly it seems as if I am in transition again, worried about the things we have lost or missed out on, feeling lost and lonely. I am trying to figure out how to banish such feelings. I want to be content in whatever situation I find myself in. Why is that so hard to do?

My mum has been chatty on the last two visits. She speaks "babble", although she probaby thinks she is speaking words there are just sounds, nothing I can actually understand. I wish I could understand what she is saying. I look at her face and try to read her body language so I know if I should say "there, there" or "wow, isn't that wonderful?". Mostly her face is unreadable but sometimes she seems to nod or look as if what I have said is the right answer. I guess a few people who have a survivor with aphasia have the same puzzle to solve. How I hate what Alzheimers has taken from Mum, and by extension from those of us who love her. More research money will be needed if we of the next generation are not to go the same way.

Our fall is lovely now the humidity has disappeared at last. The days start off cloudy but when the cloud burns off the days are sunny and warm with a gentle breeze. We have daylight saving only for another two weeks so I will miss it when it goes. I get up to a cool house after the night has cooled it down, gradually through the day it warms up again. Last night we came out from our Lions dinner meeting which is held in a Surf Lifesaving Clubhouse, so right on the beachfront, to find a cold easterly wind blowing. Before we walked the few yards to the car Ray was complaining of the cold. So from now on I will tak a jacket for him so I can go to the car and get it if the temperature drops suddenly. Of course in winter he is icy cold down his left, stroke-affected side.

I am just finalising a two week break from the end of March. I am sending Ray to a different "residential care centre" which is an 80 bed centre with high and low level beds in the same area. I am not sure how it is going to work out as he has become used to Nareen Gardens but it is increasingly hard to find a respite bed for him there. I need to have a break, I think more so lately as I seem to tire much more easily than I used to do. The fact that he gets out of bed at least once, sometimes twice during the night and wants help to get to the toilet and back probably doesn't help. I am not getting enough continuous sleep. I guess eventually I will simply get used to the change of routine. That is what generally happens when there are changes.

After I take the break I am hoping to feel more relaxed and to rebalance my life again. I have a few little problems to be looked at here. I did ring around to see if I could find a tradesman interested in doing some little jobs but so far no luck. You would think with all this talk of recession etc people would welcome small fill-in jobs but that doesn't seem to be the case. Ah well, time will go by anyway. I MUST learn to go with the flow.