(Originally posted April 2, 2009)

I got a message a few days ago from our IT guy that I needed to clean out my work email (mostly my sent/deleted items mailboxes). Just started working on it this morning. Of course, there are all kinds of little messages from J.J. about mundane little everyday things, like that he needs to stop to pick up bread on the way home or that I need to stop by the bank to get cash for Eli's field trip, etc.

Even worse were the voicemails (we have unified messaging so I get these in my email too). That voice sounding so much smoother, louder and more confident than it does now, just checking in to see how my day was going and to tell me that he loves me.

But the very worst part was that right in the middle of all this, J.J. called to tell me that he picked up the mail and I had a package. Listening to him now, on the heels of listening to how he was, was just too much for me. I had to close my office door and I'm sitting here with tears running down my face.

When will this stop? I'm tired of crying. I want to be able to move on with life like everyone is saying I should, but I can't help remembering how awesome the past was. And I know that someday everything will be awesome again...but right now, this all just sucks. Bad.