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companionship


hpoirier

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I too am being CARED FOR(if one can call it that) by my husband. meaning- he pays the bills and keeps a roof over my head. He does not sleep with me. He works 4/4 and every 4 days that he is off, he goes to our cottage,where normally his "friend"(female),who bought property beside us and is planning to build, always is visiting,her new property, to do work. She stays in our cottage. We have always planned to retire there and have spent our entire marriage working toward that goal. I have asked him about our lack of sex life and he says he doesn't want to feel he is taking advantage of me,but swears,his relationship with his "friend" is JUST that platonic. Does your husband feel the need for female companionship outside your marriage?

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hey Heather:

 

that's loaded question, and only you can decide how you feel about it. For me I am happily married, & I would not tolerate or allow "platonic" friendship where he spends time with other woman. though I am not financially dependent on him, though emotionally I am dependent on him to raise our only child who is just 13 & still dependent on both of us to do our job in raising him well. so decision I will make in our relationship will be different than what you will decide for your relationship.

 

Asha

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I hear this "not tolerate.", "not allow" a behavior in someone else, yet I am powwerless to stop it. and I AM FINANCIALLY dependant on him, uness I divorce and live below poverty line. The stroke did affect my cognitive to a degree(for instance I cannot drive,multitask, or hear well on the phone,so am not the bestemployable material..Heath

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Heather, I could talk all day on this subject but I will not. I'm the husband who had the stroke in 2004, a brain bleed, was very near death but survived with 5 months in the hospital and rehab. Still couldn't walk came home in a chair.

 

I'm 69 my wife 58 and our sex lives are not what I would love it to be but I'm OK, I don't say much to her except when is the next time? It's not weekly more like once a month. So I understand how couples get disappointed when they are or were so together before the stroke.

 

I slept downstairs in a hospital bed when I first came home but she was right there for my care needs, then about 6 months I was able to sleep upstairs in our bedroom. I was walking carefully with a cane by then.

 

Anyway over the next few years she lost the need for frequent sex and I suppose it's still missing. She was and has been by my side the whole time, I can't complain. She loves me dearly, I know that for a fact and she doesn't mess around, I know that too.

 

On the other hand my mom had me when she was 43 and my day 67 plus I'm their 18th child. Guess I got it honestly in my genes. To keep this short, that's it but it's a long, long story!

 

You are not alone more people like us live this way every day we just don't know it! And I'm so against separations caused by strokes!

 

Fred

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Heather: I am so sorry for your distress. I am caregiver to Bruce, stroke March 2009, but he is very disabled and would need a caregiver almost 24/7 at this point. It is very hard for me to comment on your situation, since you can be left alone, safely. Bruce has always had female friends, in fact his best friend is female. Two women he had worked with for 25 years sat daily with me at the hospital, visited often at the Rehab, call or Email and come at least every two weeks to bring him dinner and give me a night off. But I have never felt our relationship threatened by this.

 

You lives changed dramatically with stroke and it involved both of you. He, too, is trying to find out where he goes from here. I guess my question back to you is have you considered marriage counseling? It seems like you both need to talk about all this, but can't seem to be able to do it as a couple.

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Heather: I am so sorry for your distress. I am caregiver to Bruce, stroke March 2009, but he is very disabled and would need a caregiver almost 24/7 at this point. It is very hard for me to comment on your situation, since you can be left alone, safely. Bruce has always had female friends, in fact his best friend is female. Two women he had worked with for 25 years sat daily with me at the hospital, visited often at the Rehab, call or Email and come at least every two weeks to bring him dinner and give me a night off. But I have never felt our relationship threatened by this.

 

You lives changed dramatically with stroke and it involved both of you. He, too, is trying to find out where he goes from here. I guess my question back to you is have you considered marriage counseling? It seems like you both need to talk about all this, but can't seem to be able to do it as a couple.

As his friends did for him, This woman did for Ian thru the crisis. The problem is, the crisis is over, but she is still there(where I am supposed to be)I have tried to befriend her but she is so not my type of person, it is really hard. I guess it is not too odd tat husband's have fmale "friends" outside the marriage, I just have never dealt with it before and he kept it a secret before my stroke, so that brought on suspicion of guilt

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Heather, this is a hard situation and I too would recommend Marriage Counselling.

 

I have always had friendships with males, females, couples and families. But although our sexual situation is not as it was have never considered going outside of marriage to look for companionship.

 

We each need to find a path to a "new normal" but it has to be one that is acceptable to both partners in the marriage.

 

Sue.

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