::sigh:: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10.

I'm trying not to jump at people today, but it is difficult. I'm frustrated. I know I had a stroke. I get that. I know I'm not able to do all of the things I once could. I'm ok with that. I'm not ok with the pressure being put on me to perform by everyone else.

Old Lydi could read 1 thing, type another and listen to a third, never getting lost or mixing up what she was doing.

New Lydi can only listen or type or read, just 1 at a time or she gets completely lost and doesn't understand what she was hearing/typing/reading.

Old Lydi didn't have a problem when her firneds and family finished her sentences for her. If they weren't going in the same direction, she just corrected them and moved on.

New Lydi gets lost and can't remember what she was trying to say, so she starts to stutter.

Old Lydi looked at things she didn't understand right away as a challenge and tore into them, devouring every little bit of information until she not only got it, but had more than just a passing understanding.

New Lydi looks at things she cannot understand and sometimes it feels like she is beating her head against a wall. Those are the things she is just not going to get. Those are the things she will find other ways of dealing with so that they no longer exist in her reality.

Old Lydi could remember what needed to be done on any given day at any given time for herself, her husband, 3 children, various and sundry cats, her parents and her in-laws. She didn't need notes or reminders.

New Lydi has to write herself a not to remember anything and as soon as she is not looking at the note, she forgets she ever wrote it.

Old Lydi never left her keys in the car or leeft the stove/oven on all night.

New Lydi has Sam now going behind her making sure her keys, security badge, cell phone and wallet are in her purse and that the stove/oven and all other kitchen machines are turned off before he goes to bed every night.

Old Lydi knew the birthdays, social security numbers and phone numbers of her kids, Sam, parents, in-laws and herself.

New Lydi can't tell you what her own cell phone number is and can't always remember her own birthday.

Old Lydi never forgot a face or a voice and could point people out years after meeting them, when even close friends had started to forget what they looked like.

New Lydi can't always tell her oldest son from her youngest son any more and has no idea where she has seen "new people," like her boss, before, if she runs into them outside of the normal setting where she sees them.

Old Lydi knew some of the most obscure grammar rules and very rarely used the wrong grammar.

New Lydi gets her grammar wrong all of the time.

Old Lydi could read a book in under half a day.

New Lydi takes weeks to finish a book.

Old Lydi could walk into a room, look around for a few minutes and return later to navigat it perfectly in the pitch dark.

New Lydi bumps into things and knocks things over with the lights on, let alone in the dark.

Old Lydi could navigate to any place on the face of the earth.

New Lydi gets lost going from the office to her house.

Old Lydi could "eyeball" guess teh size of anything to within half an inch.

New Lydi can't tell 1 foot from 2 feet.

Old Lydi could organize by alphebet/size/shape and purpose.

New Lydi has trouble with the alphabet, let alone anything else.

Old Lydi never missed a deadline.

New Lydi can't make a deadline.

Old Lydi could reproduce any recipe after tasting the finished product just once.

New Lydi HAS to use a recipe or cookbook to make sure nothing is left out.

Old Lydi could create a pattern, stitch then fit and finish a dress in 4 hours.

New Lydi doesn't understand patters.

Old Lydi could take part in 3 conversations at once and never miss a subject.

New Lydi has a hard time keeping up in a single conversation.

Old Lydi could walk into any situation and have what was going on figured out in about 5 minutes.

New Lydi has no idea what is going on lonf after it is over.

I get that I am New Lydi now. I'm learning to be ok with that. The problem isn't so much about my understanding the differences between Old and New Lydi. The problem is that Old and New Lydi look exactly the same, sound the same, work for the same company and have all of the same friends, but Old Lydi isn't there any more. People look at New Lydi and believe that she is Old Lydi, especially the longer New Lydi has been in the office/up and around, since the stroke.

New Lydi can't make people believe she is not Old Lydi, or that Old Lydi is not coming back. But everyone expects New Lydi to do everything that Old Lydi did, and do it just the same. She can't. And people don't believe her when she says she can't.