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April 2019...A Month and Year for Change!

HostTracy

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My heart is all a-flutter as I write this. I have so much on my mind, so much happening... Life is moving right along. I come here first to share... You guys are family. I am practically giddy with anticipation. I also tell my local stroke support group but I only see them once a month. I tell my mom, my sister and friends I keep in touch with. Where to begin... My new runs the gamut. Very good to very not so good. I'll just begin... Good first! 

 

First, Spring is coming! I am utterly thrilled!!! The trees are all turning green, flowers are popping up every where, it's getting warmer and warmer, the sun is brighter, I can wear flip flops! Perfect timing for finding my own place to live. 

 

I have lived with my dad and step mom for 2 years now. I moved here almost a year and half after my stroke when I left my ex fiance and went back to my hometown. A lot has happened. The biggest thing is losing a big part of my independence. Basically, my bedroom is my place of solace. I can shut the door and just be in my own spot. I miss having my own place and all my things have been in storage. I have been fighting for SSDI since before I left Nashville. I guess it was a year after my stroke when I applied. It's been a long hard road and I have been basically dependent on others since then. My dad gave me a room to stay in, my sister gave me her 2nd car she didn't use to drive, my mom practically paid for everything I needed and treated me at times as well. She was always buying me clothes, shoes, things I liked or wanted. Of course not everything, but I am so overjoyed for everything she did buy. Mom also paid for medical things and all my meds (which is extensive), she bought my gas, paid for my haircuts, paid for everything Kitty needed, she was my advocate always and my biggest support. I have called her everyday multiple times a day. She has been the only person who can help me calm down during a panic attack. Well not only her... A few others as well. I know I must drive her crazy! She is a rock, she is my rock. I love her to the moon and back. 

 

Not being able to work is a hard bite for me to chew. I've always worked. I did have the privilege of staying home with my daughter until she was 3 though. I enjoyed working and the freedoms that come with it. The struggle to accept this about me is real. Thankfully, I won my SSDI case 100% in December of 2018 and it has been a whirlwind since. 

 

To begin, I finally had insurance. Having no insurance and not having the opportunity to get any after having a history of stroke is scary. There were many opportunities for a medical therapy I had to turn down. I desperately needed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy due to my many cognitive issues but haven't been able to until recently. My Neurologist told me all the time "Tracy you have to get into CBT... Possibly for a very long time." but what could I do. I was very blessed to qualify for my hospital's patient financial assistance program and all my Dr's are from there group. Psychologists are not a part of that group. They are private practice only and without insurance it is only pay cash before any therapy period. Now, I can see a Psychologist. It is already helping me a lot. 

 

Because I fall under very poor 😒... I get what's called Extra help through Medicare. It automatically qualifies for me to have Medicaid as well. So I am considered duel eligible (Medi/Medi). This also affords me a very big discount for deductibles, office visits, what is called the Medicare donut hole, all my co-pays, and is extremely helpful with my Medicare Part D (Rx). I'm so so blessed. My generic meds cannot exceed 1.50 per Rx and my name brand cannot exceed 3:50 per Rx. By May I will reach catastrophic status and have 0 co-pay for meds, just 4.50/month for my plan. 😃 All I can say is I am blessed. 

 

I am also waiting as patiently as I can for the announcement of "I have my own home to move into"! I've been talking to Kitty about it and telling her that soon it will be just me and her and she will have lots of new areas to explore. I mean all I can do is be patient. 🤪😳😬!!! It should be this week that I get to tour the place and fill out and turn in all my paperwork. Don't worry I WILL share the news! 

 

So on the not so good side (but really not so bad) Daddy is still battling non Hodgkins Lymphoma. He told me yesterday that he is losing more hair than Kitty (which is a lot). I sat with him and told him I met many going through chemo when I had my job near Vanderbilt Hospital that lost their hair too but it grew back! 🙂 He's been doing pretty well and his OT said this morning his sight is getting better in his left eye where the mass had gone through the orbital bone and really affected his eye and all the things that connect the eye to our body. So that is great! He's a bit moody but who wouldn't be. My stepmom is really struggling emotionally. I sat down with her and said to be sure and make time for herself that being Daddy's caregiver is going to be really hard work and it's important she take care of herself. My message doesn't quite make it through to her... I understand why but I hope she remembers our talk when she needs it. Daddy looks to her for most things... He doesn't let me help a lot. I do what I can to help them both. 

 

My anxiety has been really really high the past few weeks. 😳 Lots of panic attacks (no trigger) and a few times seeing or hearing things. This happens to me sometimes. I go to my Psychiatrist tomorrow and will fill him in. I think I've been swaying between being depressed and being excited. Just so much going on right now. 

 

Thanks to those who made it to the end of the book lol. I know I write so much! If you ever have to tap out it's fully understood. Another release of "stuff" in my reality. I'm grateful for the blog. Hugs to all of you!!! 



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Hi Tracy it does sounds ever so slightly manic! Fingers crossed you don't get to add bipolar to your list of troubles.  On the whole it sounds like things are finally starting to fall in your favour. I do so hope that is the case.

 

(((HUGS)))

-Heather

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Tracy, I am more than happy to read your blog. Good news, bad news it is all your reality. So... congratulations on your good news,the ability to live independently will be great, you and Kitty will love it.  Thankfully you will still have both your parents as back ups, and that gives you a safety net. Hope the panic attacks go back to manageable once you settle into your own place. You will be able to color your world the way you want to at last.

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Heather 😳 I hadn't even thought of that lol. Man I hope not either. I did see my Psychiatrist Wednesday and he all in all was pleased even though I've been going through a lot. He said he feels that I am handling this pretty good... That it was a pretty big blip and I am already feeling better. No med changes yay! Also, one thing comes to mind because I have Cerebellar Cognitive Affectice Syndrome and it is really rare and a lot of people have never heard of it much less know what it does. From what I understand it can rear its head by displaying symptoms of many psychiatric issues. I read it can have similarities at different times to ADHD, Bi-polar, Schizophrenia, Anxiety Disorders, Depressive disorders, and more. So it kinda makes sense in that way. I will be keeping notes though...and share with my Dr. and Therapist. I am superdeduper excited about my own place! I can't wait to share the good news! 

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Sue thank you so much for everything! It is nice to know someone is finding good in my journey good or bad. I feel so much the same and truly enjoy reading your blog. I feel I know you so much more after reading even across the world! Thank you for letting me be a part of your life... It's a treasure! Good news BTW... My panic attacks have settled down, no more sounds or seeing things. My Psychiatrist said he is not very concerned because he has been keeping up with my moments (that's what I call them). He said it has always happened when something very stressing has happened and that it has subsided fairly quickly each time and he sees that I am aware and forthcoming about it to him. These are all positive things in spite of what's happening. He knew from the beginning that I would have break through moments...but he says I handling them like a champ! I just smiled and said thank you. I don't feel like a champ during lol but after things calm I feel OK which is good. 🙂

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That sounds great Tracy! And yes I can understand how your particular issues could so easily mimic bipolar and other problems. And what is happening for you at the moment is exciting so you are allowed to be/feel a bit "crazy".  I do hope to be saying "happy housewarming" very soon.

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