Sudz

Katrina I have a 33 yr old daughter who struggled all her life with mood disorders & was incorrectly diagnosed with bi-polar her moods o shift as quickly as manic depressive. Finally a female doc at a women's health collective in Vancouver BC had a name for it"' PMDD pms dysphoric disorder" - like opposite of euphoric . with hers it is definitely related to menstrual cycles. she goes from OK to nasty- mean & totally despondent the week before. she lost a lot of jobs during it - simply b y blowing up at bosses. not that it is your problem -- I'm not talking pms grouchy, but totally nuts behavior & total loss of coping skills. this of course is a hormonal- based problem Be for e she had a name -- she thought she was just plain crazy. THIS IS A CONDITION FOR WHICH AWARENESS NEEDS TO HAPPEN I'm sorry you have been feeling more depressed Than usual. -- I have , too - I'm coming up 13 yrs & still struggle so much I haven't spent the time here I should & I do feel better when I do Hang in there gal remember it is so very hard for outsiders to understand My husband still does noit understand - just tolerates some of the struggles. xoxo Sudz/Susan from Southern Alberta Canada & TX & WY

Hi Katrina - I had to smile & be happy for you that you were able to go out with the girls - I really really miss those times Regarding your"Miracle"-- I had someone once tell me that God;s delay is NOT His denial - that was really meaningful to me to not give up hope during the delay period with love wishes& for a solution to your problem Remember to post & vent when you need to to get the black thoughts out of your head - so they don't have the power to feed the depression Sudz/Susan from Alberta Canada &TX& WY

Sorry about all the stuff happening- the old addage " when it rains, it pours" seems to fit here Life really reminds me of the carnival game where you have a mallet & as ech new critter's head appears you try to hammer it down as soon as you get it down another appears.- I guess it is part of the journey. Susan from Alberta Canada

Debbie I panic going somewhere I don't know & not sure Wayne can help.other peoples houses I walk with a hemi - so Wayne or a buddy helps me sit & pulls up my pants.soo many places including "accessible" - I couldn't use if I couldn't walk a bit. I worry about peeing & stinking on our way to appts but relax on the way home I always wear depends by that time I'm done the doc or whatever . so if I have trouble it is just us dealing with it. it IS a very troubling feeling to deal with this when in public. After many accidents - I have learned to trust my depends. Susan from Alberta Canada.

Hi Sting - re Short term memory - just what I deal with - my damage is in right brain - I understand long -term & short term memories are in two different spots in the brain. & that short term must be able to move from it's location to long term if it's going to stick around - not positive about that. my long term memory for things before stroke is about 90-100% recall of this info can be slow at times. all my learned things B4 stroke . computers, accounting birthdays etc specific data is still there. the short term memory is used to do things - like going to fridge to get something & not remembering what etc being asked to let dog in - getting side tracked & quickly forgetting, thinking of groceries needed not writing it down right then & unable to think of it 5 min later. but knowing I need to start the new grocery list. I absolutely hate trying to learn something new & am afraid of it eg new satelite tv provider remotes completely different. I look up a channel & can't remember by the time I put book down & grab remote. locking door & safety stuff was part of me before stroke - so it is in my long term. I find it soo frustrating as being the housewife - I still look after paying bills- planning meals - keeping prescrprescriptions refilled & up-to-date. I spend a lot of time in the office looking for papers & bills I'm pretty sure I've seen - but realize I didn't quite finish with. hopethis gives you an idea of how your Ray might affected by short-term as compared to long-term. to me short term represents my doing & thinking of something in the here & now . that's where I struggle. my career was secretarial for 40 years plus I'm a anal organizer - being able to schedule is a big part of me it helps that skill is in my long term - it's not easy -now waste a lot of paper. take care you two Susan from Alberta Canada

Katrina, I am a very emotional person - cry easy - envy positive people -- I can pretend to the outside world that I'm positive - all the time dying inside and I've only been dealing with this paralysis & disability stuff for 10 years since 50 - not all my growing up years like you You have done & accomplished many things - little consolation for the struggles you face daily. I strongly believe the nasty thoughts & feelings inside only gain strength & power the longer we keep them inside in the dark. you need to bring them into the light to weaken & kill them - talk about them-- that is what we are here for REMEMBER WE UNDERSTAND & CARE -- DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR VENTING sadness , frustration, despair & you inner feelings on a blog - WE WANT THE BEST FOR YOU & getting those black thots out into the light to take away your power is the best for you.I only have 2 people I talk to about stroke related unhappieness - that care to listen - my lifelong friend & my sister they don't understand but will tolerate it I have a good acquaintance when I voice frustration: slowness & confusion in my bookkeeping (you are doing so well fatigue & having to waste time napping ( never lie down for a nap just can't take one. Katrina - the outside world just can't understand or care - they see us managing on the outside & have no idea or care about the struggle inside- sometimes we can be so lonely for approval, acceptane,cto matter - we will take any crumb thrown to us & manifest it into what we want it to be. We are as worth as anyone out there it is us that doesn't feel it. Katrina , I am 61 years old & have daughters your age. it is depressing in itself to try to be what you aren't for others - I suspect you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself trying to have a facade of positiveness for others that's asking a lot of yourself if you don't really feel positive don't worry you can't change that just try to not dwell on the negative/ bitter feeling& be careful with whom you share the negative EXCEPT US of course we would like to fix i t& can't we know you are young, for most of us we have had enough life experiences to handle some of the rejection with a do they even matter who cares attitude. kimmie Anderson uses an amazing simple but true signature worth listening to "be who you are . say what you feel - those that mind don't matter & those that matter don't mind from Dr Seuss he is so right - it is easier to develop that atitude with age. AFTER ALL THE BABBLING - KATRINA - I WANT TO REITERATE THAT YOU TALK TO US & VENT -- IT IS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST- then maybe you can deal with every day people with less frustration. think of it as a tool/ coping skill in this mess. with great fondness, respect & care from Susan in Alberta

Jamie - thank you for taking the time to put into words how I struggle with self esteem & do mix it up with self worth your thoughts on Self worth really make sense to me and ASHA thanks for sharing your sensible, logical mantras to put some positives in our head & heart instead of just negatives. I tend to analyze & look at things in depth to understand why I do or feel a certain way. If I talk to Wayne he tells me to quit analyzing it to death (translation = stick your head in the sand as I do& ignore it what ever you do, don't take steps to improve things -just let it go & be.I'l be rereading this a few times - I have to get a handle on this self loathing. again gals - thanks for sharing your wise thoughts

Nancy Sorry to hear you are going through this. rather than actually wanting to die - this my be a way of communicating "poor me" I'm useless, worthless, a burdon for everyone. being male he can't/won't communicate those feelings. & the longer they stay buried & in the dark the more powerful & controlling they become-- you mentioned OCD which ccould be a part of these obsessive thoughts.- we no longer have any control to fix/change things all we can do is sit in this useless body & watch what it does to our loved ones & our family's life ( light goes on - if I weren't here it would be so much easier on them. when I get obsessing about bein such a failure , I, too can fleetingly have these thots. but I am emotional & communicate Wayne know how much I hate what this does to him & how sick I am of being a burden .then I think of my daughters. siblings & grand children and have a good cry that I'm so weak & would think this -- I'm usually better after a good cry. My mom's dad committed suicide when she was 17. I saw her guilt & pain all her life- I believe that wa stthe manifestation of her OCD -- a coping skill to not revisit her Dad's death. if her mind was cluttered with all these obsessive thots - no room for Dad thots. from my stance I don't believe I have ever been half serious - just the expression of an "end of the rope" frustration -- no where to go & no way to get there. Nancy - do not feel guilty about this - I don't think it would matter what wonderful things our loved ones do with & for us - we still know the truth. it is scary to hear but take it with a grain of salt don't discount the isolation of winter & nuisance of snow & cold- as a factor. we need sunshine & green to feel better. with love & hugs coming your way Susan from Alberta Canada Love & support coming your way

Nancy sorry to hear about his poor behavior it is hard you've got all the logic & common sense & he seems to have none. & as tough as he manages to make it - you have to be the one to do what is right , sensible & safe. aometimes I think we get selfish - thinking " you have no idea how ruined my life is - yes you have to work hard - but you are normal single minded thinking - I want to do this & you won't let me ( I can no longer make decisions for myself. not correct- but my feelings sometimes. Wayne wants to rearrange the living room in a way I dislike - so I think " I don't even have rights to deciswions about my house & how it is run. which is true cuz I can't take care of it. a person not emotionally involved, might say ignore as best as you can - consider the source - I'm a people pleaser & very emotional- so I'd never say that - just feel sorry for myself cuz I was hurt & think" you don't treat me as if I mattered to you. from what you say , Dan is less in touch with reality than lots of us. For me stroke has taken away my female support group ( the friends - you & whine to - that often say mine does that, too - men are clueless" Men cannot be our friends so we have girlfriends to meet that need. I don't have any suggestions as you know having understanding is just about as important as fixing. we jushad that storm go through lots of snow & wind4-5 inches a one-day wonder not all that cold like a spring snow where the roads are worse thana very cold dry snow that blows away. definitely a stay home kind of storm & stay off the highway. when I heard our storm was in southern Manitoba , I figured you were in for it. Just keep getting it out so you see you are not being an ogre & it is Dan's new skewed perceptions causing most of it. Susan from Southern Alberta Canada

PS Asha still trying to learnOffice 2010 & find it awfully complicated I started using MS office in 1992 & have worked up from there changing every few years I am frightened of Windows 8 - such a big jump. I KNOW if I could do it on an earlier vs - there will be a way to do it on most recent version. instead of annoyance I, too must see the challenge I at one time could do

Asha I was one of those people that could skim text & get alot out of it - great memory when learning new loved a mental puzzle. Now as you know it is so frustrating to learn something new - I still run from it. afraid to get a smart phone . & I have lots of computer experience just want to avoid the fristration. You've always found such a good attitude & are such an inspiration Susan from Alberta Canada

Nancy my little Granddaughter will be about 1.5 years in April I waited a long time for a grand child I'm 61 and am heatbroken I can't care for her. her Mom is 41 & having a 2nd by Csec in April & could use a capable Mom to get through this. It is so hard to not be totally bitter about this. this isn't about something material I can have -- it's about not being able to participate in a treasured time of life & help your daughter you love with all your heart. even without stroke - we girls are more chill about little kids & restaurants - kids make noise! - and this isn't bad behavior in one so little all we can do is keep the puffed wheat coming. Men can't chill the way we do - it's Dan's behavior - not Weston's that is wrong. As much as we want it - not every family gathering can be perfect - after all we are imperfect humans Nancy - I can tell you love your whole family very much and are trying your best for them Don't be too hard on yourself - the gift of unconditional love you are giving will be with them forever. But why does it all have to be so hard? it is so hard to get up each day - knowing it is going the be the same struggle. Susan from Alberta canada We'd sure be up the creek without a paddle if we didn't have this place

Sebi I would have crashed without this site. it has helpeme see my feelings, behaviours bathroom problems etc are normal for a disabled strokie. No one except another strokie or caregiver - can understand. we live in the country - no neighbors neither daughter lives close to us. if we didn't go out once a week to church - I would never see people. YES our whole lifehanges others do noy kknow what to say - I have a close girlfriend she has looked after me some I'll talk to a bit. but wanting to encourage ( when I talk about having trouble keeping up with bookkeeping & a few chores I THINK SHE WAN"TS TO ENCOURAGE ME 7 says things like "you are doing so well" when I need someone to see the struggle & frustration. my husband still gets iritated with some of my memory problems - and I often have to remind him"stroke brain- & stroke deficits WE"VE OFTEN TALKED HERE ABOUT _ LOOSING WHO WE THOT WERE GOOD FRIENDS ** pls ignore caps - keyboard is acting screwy Sebi- please visit often and if things are really getting to you. don't be afraid to post to stroke survivor Titled - VENT bathroom problems or what ever. & complain about the unfairness of what is going on in your life FIRST - it is no good to bottle it up & often the action of voicing it, even writing - can release alot of the steam & pressure on the inside helping you to think more clearly. Susan from Alberta Canada

Fred it is always nice to see someone home after such a long trip we drove Calgary to Houston a few times - once brought back a Uhaul with treasures from Grandma's in Gonzales - about 3,000 miles. I always did my share of the driving especially in the big cities - Wayne is a country boy through & through. I wouldn't even try that again. by the time we got home I'd have to sleep 3 x the time we were gone hotels are hard -seldom the correct assist bar for the toilet bed without assist handle so can't move or reposition at night - shower ^ bathing so much more difficult -- & so much more work for Wayne ,as I have some degree of independence at home with everything set up for me. travelling is one of those things I find not worth the hassle anymore. Remember driving through Dallas once seeing over & ove ra sign advertisinga Mexican buffett take exit # ___ we found it & it was good -- a great start to Texas!next had to find some good bbq brisket. Dr. peppers and Cokes in large paper cups of crushed ice ( Food has always been a love of mine & problem) awesome you & the critters were ok to stay alone . what a change from 9-10 years ago. nice your wife was able to get herself there-- as you said - it was very important to her Susan from Alberta canada

Jame - I have lots of residual computer experience I remember most everything I knew or was taught prestroke - just slower trouble shooting now Ii'm afraid to try to learn anything new - it is such a struggle . I will avoid a windows change until absolutely necessary. I have windows 7 from replacing about 2 yrs agoI always HATED the tracking balls on & mouse pads on laptops. even before stroke I had poor fine motor skills & couldn't finitely control the mouse that way. 0000000000000 I know nothing about the new windows my daughter just got a new laptop, too with the new windows and says there's going to be a big learning curve. my sister in law is a network techie and has given me an invaluable tip. When you are experiencing a problem with Windows or Microsoft office applications. google your problem. often others have dealt with the same problem & you might find tips or answers to deal with it for learning purposed play with that area of the screen to get the feel for when you've gone to far turn the speaker volume down Jamie, have you considered adding a mouse to your laptop? Susan from AlbertaCanada

Nancy - I'm different from Dan in that I am capable of being realistic & making choices. I've decided I'd prefer we stay home for the most part as far as going anywhere over night . I have a lot of incontinance problems I never sleep well in a bed without my handle so I can move & reposition. Also I really need my routine. if we go away & I miss a few naps. I have o tnap ^&sleep extra for the next week or so. Also being the wife & the one supposed to do the caring. I hate all the extra work it is for wayne. at home I am set up to do my own hair & make up- take my pills etc. & when we aren't here I have to have Wayne do so much more. I feel more bad about the extra work than the amount of pleasure it brings at home I am a bit independent & when we are away I am totally dependent. & bathing away from home is a problem. I know I'm exhausted & cranky after we have been away for a few days. Nancy just my feelings . Susan from the "warmth" of Alberta Canada We've been having vewry moderate temps for this time of year

Debbie have you heatd of Dr Joel Fuhrman & the" eat to live diet" He's an MD with a sspecalty in nutrution from NJ . he realy believes & has researched that we can & should be able to fix & even reverse many ailments by genuinely eating nutritiousy about 90% plant ba- based diet - I'm dabbling in it & really think it makes sense. I like all foods & don't mind veggies & fruit. but mant could not make the change. Just a thot Susan from Alberta

Debbie: project for Bruce- sometime ago I bought a unit that plays vinyl , cassetes. & has a cd drive I am able to record the old media to cd's - which is good until progress finds a newer & better medium to which to record our music. I just put my record cassette on to play & basically hit a record button. I have to be around at the end to start a process that properly creates the tracks on the cd. I'm so busy with my office work & projects - I haven't gotten many done- I'd love to before we downsize & move 8-10 years. the machine was just a ceapie from sears special He might have fun looking into something like that Susan

Debbie heat bothers me far more than cold & Wayne is opposite. by the time I get hair & makeup done in bathroom with heat blaring out of register - I'm in a full-bore uncomfortable sweat. to me Wayne keeps house too hot & van. I almost never wear a winter coat - just & overshirt or dress jacket - usually go to van in Tshirt or tank to cool down. Van is so hot I don't put on cover shirt until I get out. we ride around with mr in a T or tank & Wayne with heat high in a wool or winter jacket. I would think a heavy winter coat would be super restraining & uncomfortable while buckled in -- not to mention too hot. going from a hot house to hot vehicle - is juat a minute in the cold so not that bad - just my thots i n case Bruce too is bothered by heat. Susan from Alberta Canada

Nancy we haven't had anything like that yet but it is still Jan say Canada to someone in the states & all it conjurs up is snow, ice & dog sleds I deal with it better than extreme heat.Unless you have to work outside it really isn't a big deal you leave a 70 degree house in winter gea & make a run for the warming up car . even though we can get cold the coldest& longest winter s I remember were in ND. I hope you have hit a moderating phase now zero feels like summer after that. we will again survive this - we are tough. Susan from Alberta Canada

I'm in Southern Alberta about an hour south of Calgary Susan

Asha I could have written this. I, too, compare us, & our relationship to others. I don't compare material things often - I have everything I need & want materially - I'm a just have never had to have it all & the newest & best even if my couch is 30+ years old - I still like it & wouldn't spend big money to impress someone. I would rather have the security of my little house paid for & be basically debt free but I envy couples that seem really close - work together & are ;like friends I just want & need to feel like I matter especially now when I worked &drove I spent lots of time of time with girlfriends & could talk about this stuff. my husband would never initiate a conversation. or bother changing things to make them better like eating healthier c omitting to exercise - too much effort -- we'll get by - his dad 100%.& as you say when we saw a counsellor talking about trust issues about trust issues - she said something very simple & profound: to be trusted Words & actions must match ( words are just words) such as "Ilove you" I need to feel it by actions. Yes he is a good guy - taking care of me . I would like to feel the us" part of our life is important. we are supposed to be a step above to each other than the acquaintances we know. Thanks for another important topic - be interesting to see where it goes Susan from Alberta Canada