Well today started out OK. Rode my bike outside for about 5 miles which for me is great!! Rode to the store near me for I had a dinner in my head I had to try. It was tough but it felt so good to be out and farther then I'd been in a while. A cool breeze and it finally broke out of the 90's today. Perfect.

So around 4:45 my husband came home in a hurry.

OK let's back up and I wrote him a note last night. I express myself clearer in words anymore then speaking.I basically feel like I'm being punished for something that I'm not sure what. Sp the past few years are a blur and I cant remember him and I as we once were. So I expressed that in the note.

Ok back up to speed. He came home today and we sat and I cried and talked. He thought it was a dear John letter. No. Just I can only be totally honest and it may sound a little rough. (shrugs)

Anyway we are going to try to "start over" in our feelings.That is the way I can learn about him. I know I love him and we are married but I have lost my memories of it all. He also stated that the weight gain isn't the reason why he is distant, I know that he works and carries the weight of the world. He feels that my heart will give out because of the weight, It's not the things I'm eating.

I eat little to no salt ( in foods or on)hardly fat. Its the medicine and he knows it, It, to me, was just another excuse, I know he loves me. I know that I'm totally in love with him but damn, a girl needs loving too.

I don't feel that I was wrong in my note just I wish I did this earlier. Sometimes we have to just be honest.

One thing he told me that made me feel better, in a weird way was IF I should pass, he'd never re-marry to have a mother for my children. I felt honored or it was just said to make me feel better LOL

Another thing that makes me feel like dog poo is my oldest son wants to come on holiday with us but we just dont have the extra money. With only one working money is tight. I need not explain. He is still mad at him for leaving after my stroke and not being here to help with me or is brother. He was 15 and I look at me at that age and he is a saint compared to me.

He calls to ask for money and that bothers me. But again, now he is 17 and still in that age of ' Everything is about me' I get that,, my amily gets that. Him not so much. Him being close to his mom, I can see why that would make him mad. me? I know he'll grow out of it.. I did.