Well I can't write this blog without being honest and admitting that after breakfast and getting what I had to do, mostly in the morning, that I stayed in bed curled under the covers for three separate days. I had an apt with my neurologist, who barely knows me by the way, and he bluntly told me that if I had not opened my hand by now, I will not have functional movement in the hand again. Then the next day, I told my OT about it and she said that she doesn't entirely agree with that. She said I have had slow but steady progress throughout, and although I'm approaching the six month mark (5 mo), that isn't an absolute time frame.
I was shocked when my arm moved two months ago, and I'm happy about my arm. But boy they aren't kidding when they call your affected side your weak side----it's so weak, but it can fight gravity. I don't have any grand illusions, and I'm not in denial. I have figured out after the first three months that I wasn't going to be the same. Of course, I was hoping for some functional movement in my hand, but as my OT said, don't rule it out. It's a catch 22; I want to know the outcome so I can grieve that loss, and reach acceptance, so that I'm not fighting reality. I don't want to wait for that day that's never coming. But I don't want negative news delivered so harshly, without more explanation.
I wonder if I am the only one who spends the day in the safety of my bedroom, crying for what I once had, and how it was taken away so quickly. Maybe others like to zone out to tv, but not me. I'd rather be in silence.
My dad, who moved half-way across the country, hasn't had a clue what to do since this happened. He says the wrong things, does the wrong things. So I told him that what he could do was buy me a kindle, since I only have one hand to read. Well the box comes in the mail; of course I cannot open it, and my mom can barely open it, and she has two hands. What we find inside is an ipad. He said I can download the kindle application for it. I now have to figure out where an apple store is so that they will start it up for me. I know this sounds bratty----but can't he just get me what I wanted. He always gets you what he wants---and it is more expensive!
The good news is that my appetite is back. The other news is that I'm going to start looking around for part-time work. I miss being a social worker, and I really have too much time. Improvements are so slow, I would just feel better about myself if I were working. Of course I will be nervous. Going into the workforce with a disability is scary for me. But I am lucky that none of my brain that controls thinking, or speech, or sight was impaired.
Also I went on disabledating.com and met a fellow stroke survivor about a month ago in Virginia. He is three years post-stroke, and he makes me feel lucky because he lost his hand, but he used to play piano and organ, and teach children. It severely affects his work. We've spent time together three times, and he's very honest and kind. He's also from Russia, so he has lots of stories, and we are both divorced, so we have that in common. I figure this must have happened for a reason, because I've finally found a good friend nearby, and stroke survivor, and he is supportive and understanding. I'm ever so grateful for that.