you know, the thing i hate about this stroke, is the fact that i cannot be the grammie i wanted to be, i cannot swoop my grandkids up in my arms and love and kiss on them, nor get on the floor to play with them. they are starting to get used to me now, jake calls me to come over. i struggle with the energy to just keep up with them.evan is a daddy's boy and somewhat shy but always has a smile on his face to give me. i still have to use a cane to walk, so running after them to play, i cannot do either. i guess i need to be grateful that i have them in my life now since moving back to tx. its just not the same and it angers me and brings back bitter feelings of having this damn stroke taking the part of my life where normally i would probably be retired or close to it enjoying my senior years with my kids and grandkids, taking them places, babysitting etc. i know we have to do things differently now. but some things i still cannot do even differently it doesn't help that i lost the love of my life last year. the 1st year is creeping up on me already 8-24 where did the time go, keeping busy has helped me tremendously to help me get through that nightmare. i get jealous of my sister, having the life i wanted at our ages. she works, has the grandkids alot, takes them places, goes on weekend vacations with her daughter and hubby. she won't listen to my whining, can't blame her there, lol she knows i have been through alot but doesn't completely understand stroke. how can she, she hasn't lived it like i have. my nurse son matt still has not found a nursing job if you can believe that, when they need them so badly. he doesn't have experience, well duh, how is he suppose to get it? sometimes i think we would have been better off staying in arizona. he would have been working by now with the friends he had and nursing teachers, plus my nursing friends i knew, i keep praying something will come through. nowadays, you don't walk in looking for work. all is done online, he has sent his resume to everyone with a few calls back to come in for an interview. he has no friends here and is becoming really depressed. his brother rides his a** about finding a job, he has even applied at non nursing jobs. his brother is working so he doesn't understand very well. matt helps me here at home, taking me to appointments, shopping, where ever i need to go. he does chores around the house and earns his keep, so i give him alittle money every month, so he has some spending money of his own. i have also helped marc out financially when he's needed it, sibling rivalry i guess. i let the credit card lawsuit go, my credit is shot anyway, filing bankruptcy seems like the thing to do at this point. now i need to focus on the 2009 taxes hubby didn't file. it just doesn't end. but others have worse problems than i have.i have so many friends on here dealing with severe health problems, either them or their family members.

hostkaren and bill, leah and her hubby jerry, hostalan,ray and sue just to name a few,i worry about them alot. donna fell yesterday, nothing broken thank god,but bruised up pretty badly, i envy her being able to get herself up, even her daughter kristina was proud of her, she was gone when this happened. my health with my blood pressure is all over the place again and my heart rate to low had me concerned, but dr changed around my meds and all is better now. my home health nurse caught it on her weekly visit.called the dr and got a message stating if you want a call back from a doctor there will be a 25.00 charge, i cracked up when she told me that CAN U BELIEVE THAT. i thought good grief what happened to our physicians and being on call, geez needless to say the nurse hung up and i was to watch myself and go to er if i felt funny. duh yes i know the warning signs and i know my body. most of this is stress related, then i get a itchy rash on my good arm in the crook of mr elbow where i couldn't scratch it, just as well as i tend to be alittle rough on my body when i do things like that. turns out it was an allergic rash to what i have no clue,with a cortisone shot to fix it, the heat is terrible here and all over the country. i try to say indoors. the ac in the truck died on us. just another bump to get over again. my ot therapist referred me to a good mechanic they use so hopefully i won't get ripped off. people tend to take advantage of me, which is not good. any way this is my life's update . things will get better and always do. i am just having a bad day. i ask for prayers so my son matt can finally get to work in the field he choose and loves. i am sending love and prayers to all of my friends that need a blessing for recovery and healing thank you for reading my venting