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you know, the thing i hate about this stroke, is the fact that i cannot be the grammie i wanted to be, i cannot swoop my grandkids up in my arms and love and kiss on them, nor get on the floor to play with them. they are starting to get used to me now, jake calls me to come over. i struggle with the energy to just keep up with them.evan is a daddy's boy and somewhat shy but always has a smile on his face to give me. i still have to use a cane to walk, so running after them to play, i cannot do either. i guess i need to be grateful that i have them in my life now since moving back to tx. its just not the same and it angers me and brings back bitter feelings of having this damn stroke taking the part of my life where normally i would probably be retired or close to it enjoying my senior years with my kids and grandkids, taking them places, babysitting etc. i know we have to do things differently now. but some things i still cannot do even differently it doesn't help that i lost the love of my life last year. the 1st year is creeping up on me already 8-24 where did the time go, keeping busy has helped me tremendously to help me get through that nightmare. i get jealous of my sister, having the life i wanted at our ages. she works, has the grandkids alot, takes them places, goes on weekend vacations with her daughter and hubby. she won't listen to my whining, can't blame her there, lol she knows i have been through alot but doesn't completely understand stroke. how can she, she hasn't lived it like i have. my nurse son matt still has not found a nursing job if you can believe that, when they need them so badly. he doesn't have experience, well duh, how is he suppose to get it? sometimes i think we would have been better off staying in arizona. he would have been working by now with the friends he had and nursing teachers, plus my nursing friends i knew, i keep praying something will come through. nowadays, you don't walk in looking for work. all is done online, he has sent his resume to everyone with a few calls back to come in for an interview. he has no friends here and is becoming really depressed. his brother rides his a** about finding a job, he has even applied at non nursing jobs. his brother is working so he doesn't understand very well. matt helps me here at home, taking me to appointments, shopping, where ever i need to go. he does chores around the house and earns his keep, so i give him alittle money every month, so he has some spending money of his own. i have also helped marc out financially when he's needed it, sibling rivalry i guess. i let the credit card lawsuit go, my credit is shot anyway, filing bankruptcy seems like the thing to do at this point. now i need to focus on the 2009 taxes hubby didn't file. it just doesn't end. but others have worse problems than i have.i have so many friends on here dealing with severe health problems, either them or their family members.

hostkaren and bill, leah and her hubby jerry, hostalan,ray and sue just to name a few,i worry about them alot. donna fell yesterday, nothing broken thank god,but bruised up pretty badly, i envy her being able to get herself up, even her daughter kristina was proud of her, she was gone when this happened. my health with my blood pressure is all over the place again and my heart rate to low had me concerned, but dr changed around my meds and all is better now. my home health nurse caught it on her weekly visit.called the dr and got a message stating if you want a call back from a doctor there will be a 25.00 charge, i cracked up when she told me that CAN U BELIEVE THAT. i thought good grief what happened to our physicians and being on call, geez needless to say the nurse hung up and i was to watch myself and go to er if i felt funny. duh yes i know the warning signs and i know my body. most of this is stress related, then i get a itchy rash on my good arm in the crook of mr elbow where i couldn't scratch it, just as well as i tend to be alittle rough on my body when i do things like that. turns out it was an allergic rash to what i have no clue,with a cortisone shot to fix it, the heat is terrible here and all over the country. i try to say indoors. the ac in the truck died on us. just another bump to get over again. my ot therapist referred me to a good mechanic they use so hopefully i won't get ripped off. people tend to take advantage of me, which is not good. any way this is my life's update . things will get better and always do. i am just having a bad day. i ask for prayers so my son matt can finally get to work in the field he choose and loves. i am sending love and prayers to all of my friends that need a blessing for recovery and healing thank you for reading my venting


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You know Kimmie,


After losing "the love of your life" last year then moving back to Texas, it's so wonderful to just be around the grand kids seeing them grow up knowing you love them. I lay across the bed to play cards and games with my grand (my wife's daughter's only child).


A couple years ago her and I had a garden, she was thrilled to see tomatoes grow that she planted a little seed and got tomatoes. I know the feeling you have with them around you!


It is a blessing you and me are still above ground and doing all we can to enjoy the grand kids. My little grand daughter helps me so much so I can sense how you must feel there with them.


We'll be busy when school starts back helping them with home work!


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Hi, Kimmie

It is alright to vent and it's healthy, too. This may be the only resource where you have to vent and you are among friends.


We have in common things we cannot do with our grandchildren. You know what...I made up my mind early on there were things I knew I could do and things I knew my body would not allow me to do. Sure, I watch his other grandparents take him places during the day but I can't (my husband still works) so I read to him. He loves our reading time so it works out great. When he gets a little older and won't run on his own, I am sure his parents will let me take him places.


I can't do the things my sisters can do now but there are things I can do that they cannot. I decided long ago I couldn't be jealous...takes too much time and breath. I love them both.


This time a year ago I had gone through two surgeries, radiation, chemo, had no hair, broke my right wrist and had another surgery, broke two fingers on my right hand, cracked my elbow, and still walked like a penguin from my stroke. There is hope...a year later things are looking up. My cancer meds give me some challenges but I am still above ground. Hey, I just vented,too.


Is there any way you can volunteer? I do so for four groups and being around others helps me realize there are others out there far worse than me. Plus, it makes me happy to be around other people during the day.


Love you, Kimmie. You have had an incredibly challenging past year and you are a survivor!

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