Mom is right. It's hard to change things so suddenly but with your new Vascular Dementia diagnosis stress is a major "baddie" and Sam gave up his privilege to have you at his beck and call. I know how it is because I'm in the same place with people in my life but let your Mom help if she can.

You have learned the hard way that Sam will take care of Sam. So it is important that you take care of you. Don't let him put the "nastiness" on you for taking care of you. Sam started the "nastiness" by walking out on you in the way he did.

You will regain your footing and your power. Sam may try to shake that footing but lean on those you trust and don't let him. I'm thinking of you and you will be in my prayers

Jamie

Finding songs that empower you in a great idea. Also make a list of special treats - a long bubble bath is one of my favourites with music in the background.

Also make a list of your supporters and ring one of them each day. Don't talk abut the marriage breakup, talk about the last time you had fun together, your last trip away, all the positive things you can think of.

I know you are going through a very hard time and you are in my prayers.

(((hugs))0 from Sue.

Lydia:

you are so fortunate to be surrounded by caring women like your mom & sister, both has great ideas, implement in your life & you will see great improvement in your life. check caller id & let his phone calls go to voicemail, listening to uplifting music always gets me out of my funk mood.

& please come to chatroom as often as you can.

Asha

Lydia

as one who went through a divorce in the and t in 70's due to his adultery & left the marriage with an 8 month old baby. and no family in Canada- & then in 99 my current husband had an affair. I KNOW the emotional side of marriage break up - the only two times in my life I lost weight cuz I didn't want to eat. this is all consuming pain . you arein such shock that your trusted love one could do this to you-- and you feel if you were better lighter younger prettier etc - it wouldn't have happened. you are unable to function. I'd recommend Marriage builders.com as a site to help you see & understand what happens to the romantic love we once shared - very practical & easy to understand . big emphasis on infidelity bit mostly how to recapture our love & see & understand what both parties have done wrong - I credit it with saving this marriage after infidelity.

What I really wanted to say is like stroke - unless you've been through it you cannot understand how it truly takes control of your life.

Lydia I'm so sorry you have to go thru this - I told neuro phsych that a stroke should be easy to deal with after infidelity & we all know how hard stroke is.

Don't be too hard on yourself - marriage breakup is devastating. it takes every ounce of your effort to just function. its hard to be around people & have to

pretend you are ok - when you are dying inside.

Just like stroke - you have to grieve this loss.

Lydia I so feel for you in this pain

Susan

Lydia: I do want you to consider my suggestion of scheduled times when the divorce is discussed between you and Sam and you are unavailable at other times. Just getting through a one or two hour session is stress enough.

Sam is a nurse, he understands structure and organization. Tell him to get himself a little notebook and write down issues he needs to discuss with you. And you will be happy to go over them when you meet. In the meantime, it is not acceptable to pick up the phone and stress you out over his latest anxiety or concern.

I also want you to consider that he is being "coached". I have no clue who this may be coming from and it really doesn't matter. Sounds like he is having knee-jerk reactions to suggestions being made-like the car issue. You might want to remind him that he has not filed for divorce or legal separation and regardless of who's name is on what, you are still married and he is still responsible for at least 50% of everything, including the joint title on the house.

Unfortunately this is going to continue for a good while and getting into a routine this early on is best for you. In the meantime, with your family's help, you do the same. Do not leave it up to him to decide all the important issues.

I love Mom's idea about the phone and also your sister is right on. Once you know when you will be meeting with Sam, you will be able to structure your own life-housework, Monster and his care, your redecorating and new interests, knowing that you will not be interrupted or sent off course by a phone call. Debbie

Lydia, You have received some good advice from loved ones and supporters here. I too would reinforce the "don't answer the phone" plan. You need to set up strong boundaries and stick with them. No, it is not easy but it is what will create a safe place for yourself in the end. Before my ex died, he made a will. He told my daughter's what was in it. It was designed to cause me pain when I learned of it which it did when I first heard. But when I realized that if I didn't get upset my ex would not get his way. I would win and he would lose! It was a wonderful lesson. We do not have to give someone else that control over our happiness. Whether or not we are happy is our choice and fully within our control. Don't hand that control to Sam. He doesn't deserve any access to your happiness.

As a caregiver for 7 years I understand stress. The idea of music on your ipod or phone is wonderful. I also recommend audio books. I have been using Audible.com to download wonderful books which take my mind away from my world and give me time to relax in novel land. Also I have several relaxation recordings from the same resource. If I cannot sleep, these work better than a pill!

Lastly - it may sound like a cliche but this too will pass. My youngest just moved out in a rebellious huff. I remind myself that I have survived age 18 with my other four kids and I will survive this one too. In your case you have all ready survived so much so you KNOW that you can do it.

Ruth