Nancy :

I am so sorry you are going through this with Dan. is he on antidepressant meds, maybe he just does not want to face reality & thinks that he can just sleep his problems away? maybe introduce him to some activity which he likes & he would look forward to getting up to do those.

Asha

even on anti depressents I cycle in & out of the blahsjust like non strokies we have good & bad days as someone who has been at this 10 yrs still pparalyzes in left arm - it is pretty had staying ok - in my case my incontinence really depresses me - think I'm doing better tthen have a few bad days - now if peeing yourself isn't depressing!! 3 sterps forward & 2 back.

it finally gets hard forcing yourself & I know I nno longer feel worthy or good enough for my spouse - hate to see him doing what I should be doing makes me wan't to curl uip & cry at times

Just some of my thots

Susan

Look at this as a gift. Take this much needed break to get a leisurely lady shower, do some things around the house or yard you never get to, do some activity you enjoy, read. This isn't so new for Dan. It's frustrating for everyone but he eventually gets up and goes again so the odds are favorable that he will again.

Nancy: if it is possible and safe for you to leave him alone? If so, time for hairdresser, some window shopping, get an ice cream, take a walk.

If not, Jaime has some good suggestions. That would be my one kind of gift, if Bruce was safe and had all the needs taken care of and I was able to go upstairs, take that lady shower, do some personal grooming of my own. Sit and watch a movie, without the incessant channel surfing or just read.

If you can honestly not get him out of these funks, maybe try what I do for different reasons. On Sunday I start a week sheet. I spread our outings out over the week because that is really the only way to get Bruce to move. I also list the caregivers and their times, so while he is doing the morning dishes he refers to it, so he knows exactly what is expected and what he is going to be doing. Maybe take some of his independence back for a while. Just a thought.

You and I however, need to go out for a really decadent dessert! Kind of week we are both having. Something with a lot of chocolate! Go easy honey. Debbie

On me...These were two of my signature deserts when I worked. The first is Pretzel Salad...very light and refreshing and sure to please in hot weather.

but Debbie, if you insist on chocolate you may opt for...

Turtle Cheese Cake. In the dictionary beside the word "decadent" is a picture of this cheese cake...

OH you gals are to funny---- after i literally BEGGED him to get up. he did for the 4th at about 6 pm..went to daughters campgrounds spent only an hour there... and then oddly enough he agreed to a movie where he drank a lot of pop- not the best but certainley better than nothing.. then we ( i ) went to eat and he refused any food so ordered...the resturant is used to us sharing they plated for 2 ..his sat there but then he decided to eat... came home and now he is back to bed.. which is ok now he is reset nutritionally for a bit and most important hyderated... yes dan has cycled through this before--- but it is so drastic and he has also decided he is not talking....it always something --thats for sure... i'm lucky to have a place to come where people understand what it is i'm going through and give me the little kick --- and show me good things to eat..since i quit working out of the house i've gained at least 10lbs... most of that from eating burned tortillas ( lo carb) but still its a wierd food fettish i've developed.. but nothng about my world is normal..

i managed to get dan up again last night --- tricky balance got the youngest daughter birthday coming up ( 16) and i want him to go there on sat...so if i get him moving today there is a big risk either way-- that he wont attend her birthday and it is important to her.. she misses her dad so much..she doesent live here anymore as dan can just be a little to "mean" to a fragile 16 yoa ego.. she tries so hard and he is so crabby towards her.... although for a time he preferred her to anyone else... strokes they keep taking.. but we are fighting to hold our ground for as long as we can as a family unit... thank you everyone for the calls to my distress and reminders this happens frequently with dan and he should cycle through-- i hope he starts to eat again soon....thank god for supplements!!

still not eating this is day two from the restart---- daughters birthday today the 26 yr old well now 27...and tomorrow we celebrate her baby sisters b- day who will be 16 i can believe my baby is 16 crazy....dan has agreed to come out to supper tonight but says he wont eat..soooowe will see how it goes i guess i'm just happy he is willing to come with (take what i can get)

Nancy, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Depression is hard on everybody. And I can relate to not eating. When I get really depressed my appetite goes away and oddly enough I don’t even get hungry or have the desire to eat so I know how Dan feels. And it’s difficult to eat because your mouth doesn’t generate enough saliva to eat, so eating becomes very unpleasant. But I would eat just enough, a meal comparable to a small child so that no one would say anything, take supplements, and exercise a lot cause that made feel better. Then my friends told me I was developing anorexia eating habits and didn’t realize it until I went for a checkup and the doctor said I had keytones in my blood. Keytones will develop because your body is taking the energy from itself because there is no food to get it from and that means one of three things is happening or going to happen, starvation, becoming diabetic, or eating a very low carb diet. I was to a shame to tell her what was going on so she assumed it was a low carb diet. Well that scared me and I vowed never to get to that point again. And I don’t need any more problems. So I don’t know if the scare tactic will work with Dan, depending on how bad it is but you may want to give it a try.

As a suggestion, have you tried giving him those supplement drinks? That will give him the nutrition he needs and keep him hydrated.

Dan has and does not have the cognition and memory to retain--- although lord knows i've tried... he can understand he should eat-- but refuses... its his form of controling something in his life - similar to anorexia----his stomach is paralyzed from the stroke..so he usually wont get hungry...it is a behavior he has developed ..and we cycle through this unfortunantley even if he decides to eat and knows he should -- cognitivley one day ,the next day he will have forgotten his agreement to eat---- one day at a time--- thanks for your insight--- and dan does get to the point where his ketones get affected i can smell it on his breath..when that happens we go and get an IV for hyderation

Ok his situation is more difficult than I imagined, physical and behavioral that’s really tough. Well I hope and pray that this stage passes very soon and happens less often.

please ALWAYS shoot me suggestions even though dans condition is quite severe---- he has come 200 % from way back "when" and progess and recinds...we ave come a long way - but boy do we have a long way to go....

Sorry about these eating and talking cycles--we go through something like that but the opposite in that my husband eats everything in sight! Then he gets down because he has put on about 20 lbs. since his stroke--I've put on 15. The talking part is usually only with me that he kinda shuts down. If he runs into someone who hasn't heard about his stroke, he talks non-stop and actually pretty clearly, too, about the stroke. It must be so hard to watch and worry about getting Dan getting enough fluids, nutrition, or triggering a seizure... I feel trapped, too, sometimes, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way and depressed....everyone (including myself) advises we take care of ourselves, right? I keep trying to take care of myself and hope that eventually it might start to feel good and not selfish. So vent whenever you need to...I think it helps to let it out! A friend told me that our thoughts do not define us--it's our actions and your caregiving actions are truly amazing! Thinking of you and wishing you better days ahead...Cindy

dans still on the no eat or drink kick now he isent drinking the supplements either... so i'm thinking he has a uti-- gonna forgo the clinic and take him to the ER later on....the clinic wont iv him anyway and he is gonna either need to be iv'd or cathed as i'm sure he doesent have enough urine anyhow...then i'm gonna talk to his doc about the possibility of a stomach tube-- i can not keep up with this and then i can be sure he is getting nutrition and hyderation.. it's just sad it's coming to this---- dans stroke no doubt is devastating but it could be less devastating if he could regain some passion for living .. I'm getting plain tired out of the rollercoaster and yes i have taken a little time to myself for which he seems to be punishing me- cause where as before he acknowleged me now he is ignoring me... i and my 2 daughters had to literally drag dan to the bathroom today and then he did shower and clean up.. then while i showed he hobbled himself back to the bedroom (not very steady and i didn't predict that) but crawled back into bed knowing i wanted him to go to therapies.. It seems its all about punishing me... i'm sure its more about the fact if he has a uti - but it just hurts so much to know he can do better - we can still have a life-but i cant do it for the both of us - he has to want it to... just another venting.

So sorry Dan's still not eating, drinking. Hopefully today you have an answer to the UTI question. It is so hard to watch them struggling to have a passion for life--my husband was Mr. Optimistic before the stroke. And I constantly wonder if his personality is changed because of the stroke damage or because he had a stroke and he is struggling to adjust to a life with limitations. He sees a family counselor about every 2 weeks--does Dan see anyone? Don't know if it would help---we've had some success but I know the counselor is also frustrated with wondering what is the culprit-depression or brain damage. As far as the punishing thing--I see some of that with my husband, too. I try to tell myself that he is just hurting and taking it out on me, not meaning to hurt my feelings--but it's still hard... I hope things turn around for Dan and you. Thinking of you...Cindy