I get very tired of if but when I had my strokes I had no one who cared and other than one friend, I still don't. But what would upset me more is if I had someone who did and who I cared for too who threw their life away to stay with me and it would really upset me to think they thought I needed to be "babysat"

Get out with your friends. I assure you it will benefit Mike more to be with a happy and fulfilled honey than one who is being dragged down.

You need to realize men LIKE TV, and like to just chill. My friend Kelly spent two hours with me the night before last complaining about that very thing and her husband didn't have a stroke.

I'll make a bet with you--if you go with your friends, Mike will do more than you ever thought he could.

I also get very tired of it but honestly, going out on my own is WAY down on the list of things I am tired of. I would like to just be able to take a shower by myself, whenever I want one. I am very familiar with the feelings of bitterness and depression....and there is also anger and jealousy. I don't want friends to come visit me because when they leave, I have an overwhelming feeling of jealousy that they are able to go on about their lives while I stay stuck in this crippled and broken body. I was looking at pictures this morning of my prestroke self and realized that I barely even remember what it feels like to be truly happy and joyful, and that makes me even more bitter and depressed, but most of all sad. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this hell. I am not perfect but I also am not THAT bad of a person.

I do think you should go out with your friends and do anything else that you enjoy to help you keep your sanity and your spirits up. If you lose your hope and optimism for life then poor Mike won't stand a chance. I know that is a heavy load to bear and a lot of pressure but believe me, we survivors would gladly take that on in exchange for the life we have been given to deal with.

Not judging anybody, but maybe you doing everything for Mike is enabling his behavior. Make him become more self reliant and just maybe he will. Lesley gradually did less and less for me, and I was then able to do more myself, and now pretty much do whatever I want to. Step back a bit and he will likely step forward. He will complain, us men always do, but live your own life and force him to somewhat live his. Obviously he will need some help, but probably not as much as you are presently giving. Good luck!

George hit it right on the button

When I first came home and in a w/c the wife made me stand on my own to get out of m,y recliner to transfer to the w/c to go to th bathroom

I thought it was the most cruel punishment in the world, but looking back it worked.

Get him some help but also some space for him to be self dependent

John

George and john have given you advice that I should take. I am doing too much for my husband. he needs to do more on his own.

Do take the time to take care of yourself.

This is a time for grief. Time to grieve over what is now gone. your old life.

Your feelings are valid. We alll have those feelings and then feel guilty. But, life goes on.

Ruth

I just want to give you some thoughts about the wedding. Edie-Lee and Trevor brought their wedding forward so Ray could be there. He was still in hospital, had been since the May stroke and was now completely wheel chair bound but somehow I managed to get him a suit, get him to the wedding and we had a good time.

BUT they cut their wedding down to a size we could all manage. She had the dress, the hair extensions, the facial, the nails,the full bridal bit, but no party before except for a few girlfriends who gathered at her sister's house the week before. She had her sister as her bridesmaid and two nieces and two nephews to make up the bridal party.

The reception was cut back to immediate family, 18 of us, going out to dinner afterwards but she invited her friends and work colleagues to come to the service and we all had a group photo and all went home with a thank you card and a piece of wedding cake with a copy of the group photo sent out afterwards.

There was no honeymoon, just a night in a nice resort and breakfast and lunch to follow and then they went home. It was all very low key and they have no regrets.In fact I think the impact of what they had done actually gave them a stronger bond,

I am not sayinh this is what you should do but offering it as an alternative to thinking you need to have a big wedding ( something that will cause more stress) when actually a small family wedding can still be something special.

Sue..

See if you can find an exercise bike around your town like at a pawn shop or resale shop that will let him exercise hands, arms, legs and all his moving parts some anyway!! Then he can do exercises with his cane over the head and down to knees several times! Then while sitting at a table he can do the coins in a bowl putting them in and out again to make the fingers flex and grip more!!

I still do all that stuff three time a week for two hours with my health care lady!!!!

Cat: you are at about one and a half years in, if my math is correct and the reason I am thinking that was that at that point, Bruce was in therapy five days a week and then I personally took him into the pool at least four days - two days at home with Speech and I had two caregivers, every day - 7 days a week to work with him - two hours each and that was when Bruce said "enough." We were private paying all of this and personally, I had set a financial goal to sit down and reassess. The money was mostly from Bruce's frugal life style. He had nothing as a child and saved every penny. A funny aside was that just in the few years before the stroke he finally let himself have a little fun and not feel guilty.

You are still getting to acceptance (I personally did not get there until well into year two). I think your mind has finally wrapped around exactly what has happened and you have had enough experience to understand that this is a very long haul. All those things you put on "hold" you now have to accept that hold may be never, or a lot further out than you originally thought. That is such a terrible place to be but I will tell you that you will move beyond it.

Bruce certainly is not Mike, but recently as you know, I have been leaving him alone for short times (we are up to an hour and a half). Yes, I feel guilty and make sure I get him out with me as much as possible. Today we just went to the pharmacy drive through - 10 minutes. But he had to transfer in and out of the car, get washed and dressed, toiletted; sweatshirt on and all that counts. Yes, it is more work for me, but it is my trade off for leaving him. You know what Cat - I think he just likes being off the radar for a short time. No one harping, insisting, moving the chores along, and more importantly - no babysitter. And Bruce has always been one to insist that what we do as individuals only adds depth and grace to a relationship. What we bring back as individuals enriches the relationship. He asks how my day was, what was going on, how I felt. And I can only do this because I know he is safe: will sit in front of the TV or read, maybe get a snack; but no nonsense. Needing a BM is another issue, but thank goodness that has not happened. But we also work everyday on transfers to and from the toilet. He can do it if he has to and takes his time.

You seem to be grieving what was lost and in time, I promise, you will rejoice in what you have and not focus as much on what is coming. Go easy. Try to fit in a walk, nice bath and some comfy pjs. Find a juicy novel or just pick up a People magazine and force yourself to read each and every article. Music helps me - mostly my Ipod and I dance away in the kitchen while making dinner, because I am a child of the 70s and no one or thing can take that away. Thinking of you and I know you are also dealing with some medical issues, so please go easy. Debbie

Thank you all for your wonderful advise! Once again you have proven to me just how much this site is worth every minute I spend on it!

Fred, I bought him a brand new excercise bike when he was 2 months post stroke because it was on sale, it sat in the den and he may have gotten on it 5 times since I purchased it. He has been given several small excercises to do with his hand and arm but will not do them. When I mention to him that he needs to start doing them he agrees but that is as far as it gets. I don't know what else to do with that situation.

Ethyl, I can leave him alone for several hours at a time because he is very capable of tending to himself, getting in and out of bed, going to the bathroom, getting himself drinks from the fridge, even cooking him self a very small meal if need be. The issue is I feel guilty leaving him here at home while I go out and enjoy an evening with the girls. He has no one to go out and spend time with other than myself! He says he is completely satisfied with that life style but I just don't believe that. Maybe I am making more out of the situation than I should, but when I do go out he looks like a lost little puppy when I kiss him goodbye! That makes me feel so bad!

I think I will take your advice George! I think you are absolutely right. I do everything for him because I cant stand to see him struggle but if he doesn't try to do it he will never regain the ability. I sat in my chair and watched him dress himself yesturday and acted like I didn't see him struggeling with it, he accomplished it all on his own! Shirt, pants (jogging pants) he still cant do the buttons on his jeans, and shoes (slip on) but he got it done!! Hurray! I have also been trying to stay in my chair and not jump up to walk beside him when he walks from the table to the fridge to get a drink, thats a hard one! But he seems to do pretty good and feels good about it when he is done! Good advise! Thanks.

Sue, the wedding even though it sounds pretty extravigant it is only a very small one, I am doing only close relatives and friends. About 50 people in all. I know that sounds like a lot but I come from a very large and close knit family so I have cut it to the bare bone minimum and only very close friends. I guess I am just stressing because I know what needs to be done and I just have to find the energy to do it!

Thanks to all you guys again! I promise my next blog will be a happy one! Tired of letting Stroke win all the time!!

God bless everyone!

hey Cindy:

all the caregivers who don't let their survivors struggle a little to do their own ADLs and other required things are doing disservice to their loved ones. as a survivor all I needed from my caregiver was encouragement & patience. when stroke happens & you are so dependent on other for your basic needs, self esteem takes big hit so allow urvivor to contribute in household chores & make them self reliant so that they can live independently in case something happens to csregiver. Stroke recovery is marathon & not a sprint.

Asha