I just learned something the hard way
Entry posted by 1967stingray
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This is a caregiver story, hopefully some of you can relate. With the two year mark coming up, apparently it's time for me think things over and find a new path to acceptance.
The last few weeks Ray and I have been busier than I can say, with Nancy and Dan visiting, the hurricane, and now the the holiday coming up fast. I have let a few things go in the meantime. Mom had hinted to me several times that I should call Karen my sister in law down in Georgia; she not only has chronic, severe COPD, but also struggles periodically with no iron in her blood. You'd never know all this to talk to her, as she is the most energetic, pepped up, fun person you could ever meet. But she had been having a bad spell lately, with hospitalizations and 18 transfusions. My brother has been her caregiver for many years, since she is basically housebound, but he works nights at the Post Office and she is alone then, and gets very lonely. Probably a little scared too.
So last night, just before dinner, I suddenly decided I should call her. Now, the thing with Karen is, I love her to death but when she gets you on the phone it's two hours minimum, unless you can get a word in edgewise (not likely). Which is why I put off calling her sometimes, especially now that Ray makes so many demands for my attention. I go ahead and call, despite Ray's usual protests; he hates when I'm on the phone. Karen answers but sounds very distracted. Says she's watching a movie. I keep asking if she's alright, and suddenly she bursts out yelling at me, saying that the last time she called I told her we were sitting down to watch a movie, and then Ray started yelling curses (which is his usual MO when things don't go his way), so I laughed, saying I had to hang up to go calm him down. The laughing is the key part: I do remember being glad that Ray got me off the call so we could go on with our plans, he's always been great at that, but also I'm one of those that laughs instead of crying. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone, you know? She said she cried for an hour, knowing I really just didn't want to talk to her. What she didn't understand is it's not her, it's me. I do try to make every bad thing about Ray sound funny rather than whatever issue it really is, while it would be a lot more productive to just tell the truth. I am getting used to people, especially strangers, being TOO understanding and TOO helpful, then using it as an excuse to do whatever I want with no explanations. I'm becoming so selfish and self-centered, even as I accuse people close to me of the same thing.
As I tried to explain how Ray has even less control over his emotions than ever before, she said "I thought we were friends but you just wanted to hang up on me". I assured her I considered her one of my best friends, as I made feeble excuses about Ray needing my attention, but she said "He always did, but you used to go in the other room to get away from him". In the old days, I would stay on the line because I knew she needed someone to talk to, and that was my specialty. Now I feel like I don't have to do anything for anyone anymore except me and Ray (poor us! boo hoo), and that's so wrong. Here I am, mad at Ray's family for not "being there" for us and then I do the same thing. Two wrongs don't make a right. I'm not even sure Karen has forgiven me, I put Ray on the phone and he kept saying "no" and "wow" to tell her he didn't really mean it. She was not only hurt, but holding it inside for at least a month or two, so I don't know if she was convinced. We did agree to talk on Thanksgiving so guess I will see where we stand then. I'll make sure to call her early, no matter how busy I am in the kitchen; I am going to tell her everything I'm saying here and hope she believes me.
A wonderful thing is that Ray's brother and sister are coming for Thanksgiving, and when I invited them a few weeks ago, for the first time I was happy to call them and not resentful or bitter. They don't owe us anything really; Ray hasn't been there for them during a few of their personal crisises so why did I expect so much from them? We only see them a few times a year but that's the same as it's always been. His sister too asks me why I never call her anymore. When I phoned to invite her, there was so much happiness in her voice, I could tell she must have thought I hated her too! Mom calls me almost daily, just to chat about nothing much, and sometimes I don't answer because I feel like I don't have the time, and that is the worst thing of all to admit. I am hiding from the world because it's so hard to put on a happy face sometimes. Now I know I am wrong, wrong, wrong, I should be happy that anyone thinks of me at all. I'm the only one that's making myself miserable! And if I want to complain or cry, these people are ready, willing and able to listen. Time to change my ways and stop feeling sorry for myself, and what better time than Thanksgiving, when I can give thanks that people still care about me and Ray.
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