I did my two sessions of PT. I do my 3rd one on Friday. Each time I get different exercises (and its a different therapist). I am really anxious to start OT. Time has gone by so fast. When they told me I would have to wait until next year I was so disappointed but my OT evaluation is actually next Friday (January 4) I got 7 exercises to do at home from PT and boy do I feel the stretch. I felt like I just had my stroke the day before I last went to therapy. I felt so helpless and kind of bad. I thought I was doing good walking good but in reality I have some major issues with leaning to my left side. I couldn't believe how scared I was just to stand up and sit down (without leaning to my good side). I guess I have a lot of work to do. I just hope I can keep it up. I did all 7 of my exercises and went to my apartment gym to ride the exercise bike. I wanted to do the stairs as well but somebody is always on the good stair stepper. The other one doesnt have any straps or back piece to keep your foot from slipping so I decided not to use it. My PT told me I could use the treadmills too but that day I didnt want to overdo it so I just walked to my doctor appointment which is only a mile from my house and took the bus back. It felt good to do the exercising (mentally not physically LOL) but I hope they pay off in the end. My PTs have all told me even though Im walking good I have to keep exercising so my leg will stay strong. If anything my overtoned contractured wrist and fingers have taught me that you can get worse when you give up on getting better. So I am going to try to stick with doing my home exercises and frequenting the gym after my little trial runs out Friday.

I contacted my insurance provider to find some OTs and PTs that are in network but nobody returned my calls and a lot of the facilities did not answer. The ones that did answer of course told me they were out of network. I sure wish I had someone to help me. The wrist support Ive had for 3 years is starting to wear out. Either I have too much tone or the velcro is crap now but it wont strap down anymore when I put it on. I still have my comfy splint but it hurts so bad since I guess I have contractures in my middle and ring fingers with the most tone.

I use my hand at work sometimes as Fred suggested. I make a space between books then reach my left hand in to hold them apart while I grab the next book to go in the place. I am at a public library so I still do not feel comfortable enough to push the book cart with both hands. Im afraid my hand will drop off as Im pushing and bring even more attention than when Im pushing with my good hand with my left arm bent in front of me.

Some days are very hard. One day after talking with my coworker about my stroke, I felt down. Sure she was telling me how Im such an inspiration but I couldn't help but focus on her question "Do you think God can still heal you?" I guess I gave up on "healing". I think I can get better with the help of technology medicine and exercise but I no longer believe in the "miraculous healing". I've been to the altar too many times. I guess the man with the withered hand in the bible was the last hand Jesus felt like healing. Anyway that same day I was kind of down in the dumps and confused thinking about healing, acceptance, faith, etc. I was trying to wash dishes and it seemed extra difficult trying to do it with one hand. To add to it, I was trying to scrub a pan I burnt because I didnt have 2 hands to pull my burgers apart when i was cooking the day before and I had a mess of dry noodles in the sink from where I couldnt move the faucet out the way while filling up the cup. I had a little break down and shoved the faucet out of the way knocking over some of the dishes. I just couldn't take it. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to help me. To wash my dishes, to help fold my laundry, or at least to do stretches with my arm before bed when my good arm is exhausted and fatigued from doing everything else all day. Its hard being a "long term survivor". You have to accept you wont get better but still be motivated enough to keep yourself from getting worse while PTs OTs doctors and insurance companies want to be "debbie downers" and remind you of everything you cant do and never will be able to.