Well Nancy, we are all sitting in our virtual group around the virtual fireplace, sipping our coffee/tea and shaking our heads knowingly. We love our survivors fiercely, go thru the fire for them, and only when things are quiet, do we have a chance to have a fleeting thought about us and what _we've_ lost, thru their loss. We are not invisible... to each other. We are an army of the purest hearts, with the noblest convictions, but with out own pains, which we usually don't have time to think about, but suffer from how our lives should have been, right along with our survivors.

I often think where would we be right now, what would we be doing, if this had not shook our world. Then I'm reminded that others have disaster hit them everyday, people who didn't have strokes, but were injured/died just the same. And I think... you never know, who knows for sure that an alternate life would have been the better one? Or would we just have been on our merry way somewhere when hit by a dump truck? Some how that balances out the 'what if' problem, realizing that what if may not have been the better choice after all, it's just that we don't KNOW what that road would have held.

Still, I know how you feel... I hurt where you hurt.

Yep. Sorry, Nancy, for all the losses. Builds up sometimes. Even though the move made good sense and has benefits for both of you, that doesn't make up for the love of the farm and the way you want to be available to your daughter. We reminisce as long as we need to, long for what cannot be, and then face into the new day with all the hope and joy we can muster.

Peace... ~~Donna

I agree, changes may be essential but they all result in losses as well as gains. I mourn the past a lot, partly because Ray has gone but partly because that is what you do in the beginning of a new year - reassess where you have been, what you have done, what worked and what didn't.

There have to be some good times ahead, that thought keeps me going.

Sue.

Nancy,

I do a lot of reminiscing, just last night I said to myself here I am my mom's 18th child and the only one in the family to suffer a stroke and that's after 22 years in the Army and another 25 years on top of that before it happened to me. It feels like I have been around the world a few times yet here I am can barely walk or care for myself for the last few years.

Then I come back to reality and say well, I'm still alive and it's only five of us children that are still on this earth so be thankful. I often think of the more than 58,000 that lost their lives in Vietnam alone and those in the wars prior to that time and I have many thanks to be proud I'm still here no matter my condition.

I think I sorta know how you and all the other care givers on this site must feel as well. Just this morning I looked at the weather up there in ND and said what a blizzard and how do the people handle that condition? I guess when you grow up living that life it is OK. I pray for you and Dan all the time.

You are so brave, going ahead with what you have to do. Me, I'll sit on the fence awhile longer, I know the house is too much much for me alone to keep up with but I'm still afraid to leave our little cozy feathered nest. Day by day is the only way I can keep going right now, everyone is asking when I'm going back to work and I honestly have no answer. Well the winter is always a time to sit back and reflect, especially when snow storms threaten. Hopefully spring will bring a rebirth of sorts.

Nancy we, too, are very rural - there are 2 kinds of rural. the ones that live on the ourskirts of a big center - only 25-30 minutes at most to ammenities

and us who live outside of a tiny town with almost nothing a poor grocery store a drug store a doctor which is wonderful.in 45 minutes we can be at a small walmart. decent cities with medical supply stores - therapy, specialists--shoes for huge feet & AFO. are both an hour away. or more in the winter

I still can't get myself up & down a toilet unless I have correct assist bar. & by the time we drive an hour stroke bladder has to go! so I plan our trips around places Wayne can help me in bathroom. I grew up in small cities and large towns.

We've got 160 acres of pasture & hay & 5 acres of yard & lane to mow. my husband is 64 & of course frozen water & broken septic pumps. in my opinion too much for him to deal with I hate the bookwork for keeping the farm books - I struggle & have to let so much slide.

there's a small city 90,000 about an hour south of us. I dearly want to move to - it is 45 min from our daughter & grandchildren has a hospital- cancer center with radiation & chemo. the town is actually full of retired farmers. our daughter & son in law are on a farm - so Wayne could still get to shoot gophers in the spring. he's never lived in town since he was a kid & lived here & across the road for560 years. so he has his heesl dug in.

It would be so much easier for me/us. the physiatristt I am now seeing is there. it now takes a full day ( away from my own bathroom ) to do an errand.I hate the isolation out here & miss signs of life: such as neighbors going to work & errands their cars coming & going. kids walking by to school dogs barking, mailman coming to the door. I feel so isolated & stuck here. -- even though we stick built the house - raised our kids here - etc - memories are in my mind & heart.

Nanc:y I know you loved your place like Wayne does. when we were at the stage of life we could easily handle it al,l it was ok

wayne won't hireANYTHING done so to change yard light. tracto r> to light pole bucket as high as possible - still too short so ladder in bucket -- all I can do is watch thru window with phone in hand ready to call 911.

Sometimes it is necessary to make changes . I think you did the right thing. if Wayne takes off to city in Winter & I stay at home & he runs into trouble & doesn't come home I'm in big trouble. no family here at all.

Susan from Alberta Canada