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Dan is a challenge


nancyl

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I don't know what's in the air with him, but we are projected to get 9 inches of wet icky snow...sleet... Ice. Here in ND... Dan though we should drive to the casino 100 miles north where even more yucky weather was/ is projected.... I showed him the radar we agreed we would go play pig wheel instead... Here in town... Then he changes it up again on me and insists we go to the casino.. Full blown tantrum, so we sitting outside the local bar and he actually grabbed my finger and pushed it back trying to get me to put the keys back in the ignition... So I let him sit for awhile to see the weather blow in..... And finally he gave in and said go home then.... So Michael my pseudo son who is moving in to help me with Dan took him home and put him to bed, and Beth gave him his pills ..amazing he took them, but continued to be a CRAB... Like I controls the weather.... But I did not come home right away.. I visited with a friend for like a hour or so, I do t want him to think he gets to control my every move... Although he very much does... But no way was I gonna kill us both on the road cause of his tantrum...he just got locked in a thought and decided he was gonna do whatever it took to force his will....problem of course is whatever lesson I teach him... He forgets and the whole pattern repeats Ina matter of weeks... Cause those of you who know me, know this has played out so much I should just type ditto.... Every two weeks...but I write for my sanity, and again so others know they are not alone, the road map, where we have been .... But honestly I just can't see anyway of avoiding this pattern.... Except perhaps the weather and sunshine plays a part... And some seasonal affective disorder is going on..... He refuses vitamin d...and I have a full spectrum light but maybe a real sad light is something I should invest in... Anyhow..... DITTO as I said before LOL cause if I don't LOL I will COL. Cry out loud...nancyl

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Sounds familiar; been there, done that. And I don't know why or how he knows, but Ray always picks the vitamin D out of his pile of pills, like he WANTS to be moody. And the light, I finally just started using it to grow my seeds for the garden, he refused to let me turn it on at all.

 

But you know it will get better soon, daylight saving this weekend and the crocuses are up (at least here), you'll be able to make plans without worrying about snow and sleet before you know it. Glad to see you have the kids to back you up, and that you got to hang out by yourself for a bit. I have high hopes myself for the near future, we really haven't been getting out much, except for doctors and shopping.

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Nancy sorry to hear about his poor behavior it is hard you've got all the logic & common sense & he seems to have none. & as tough as he manages to make it - you have to be the one to do what is right , sensible & safe. aometimes I think we get selfish - thinking

" you have no idea how ruined my life is - yes you have to work hard - but you are normal single minded thinking - I want to do this & you won't let me ( I can no longer make decisions for myself. not correct- but my feelings sometimes. Wayne wants to rearrange the living room in a way I dislike - so I think " I don't even have rights to deciswions about my house & how it is run. which is true cuz I can't take care of it. a person not emotionally involved, might say ignore as best as you can - consider the source - I'm a people pleaser & very emotional- so I'd never say that - just feel sorry for myself cuz I was hurt & think" you don't treat me as if I mattered to you.

 

 

from what you say , Dan is less in touch with reality than lots of us.

For me stroke has taken away my female support group ( the friends - you & whine to - that often say mine does that, too - men are clueless"

 

 

Men cannot be our friends so we have girlfriends to meet that need.

 

I don't have any suggestions as you know having understanding is just about as important as fixing.

 

 

we jushad that storm go through lots of snow & wind4-5 inches a one-day wonder not all that cold like a spring snow where the roads are worse thana very cold dry snow that blows away. definitely a stay home kind of storm & stay off the highway.

when I heard our storm was in southern Manitoba , I figured you were in for it.

 

 

 

Just keep getting it out so you see you are not being an ogre & it is Dan's new skewed perceptions causing most of it.

 

 

Susan from Southern Alberta Canada

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Well Dan has winning on the brain in my opinion because I had it too for the casino in New Orleans. I just enjoyed being there and my wife knew she could drop me off there and be with her family as long as she wanted I would be alright there.

 

A man loves to play the machines so he wants to go play even if you told him the money is low he still wants to go play. I guess it's all the machines or table games we like to play and all the people there all around just seems so joyful to be in the place.

 

The weather and driving a 100 miles is another issue he don't see. He doesn't sense the dangers on the road he just wants to get there.

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Nancy: you did the exact right thing, in my opinion. Again honey; rote, rote, rote. And as tiresome as that is, it must be your mantra. I know that is easy for me to say - Bruce is just so easy, but I can only say that is what works for us.

 

And letting Dan know that the alternative to being "flexible" is home to caregivers is important. You are Dan's partner, his love. In his heart he wants and needs to be with you. The brain damage messes all that up. Next thing you know it is a power issue. Pre-stroke, those issues were resolved with conversation and working through a problem. Now, not so. I hate telling Bruce "no". He asks for so little. Last week he insisted on the Botox appointment. It was cold, pouring rain, plus he just had mouth surgery. Part of me thought he just wanted to get out of the house. But Nancy, it is hazardous for me to take him down that ramp in the pouring rain. And I know he did not take into consideration the fact that I was soaked loading and unloading the WC and the schlepp. But Nancy in breaking it down, he has been so stiff and uncomfortable for weeks awaiting this appointment. And you know, it is not a good time! The size of those needles and nine injections. Plus he was extra cautious spotting me down the ramp. He knew we could do it, it was important and he stepped up. Dan will get there!

 

You are trying to help with showing Dan what is important, what must be done and what can be put off for another day. Big - major - steps. Mine was incontinence - finally 2 1/2 years in he got it. Still not perfect, but pretty close. Hang in there honey. Debbie

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Nancy, Your Dan sounds sooo much like my Dan. For my Dan it's all about not being told what to do and not being told NO about anything. It's very difficult when you're trying to keep them safe and they just don't understand. I think sometimes it's the frustration of knowing that I'm right and not being able to admit that he was wrong. Bless your heart!! Take care.

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