I get so tired of everything...
Sometimes I just want to walk out and never come back. Sometimes I think my brain is shutting down. I've been on a bit of a crying jag this last week. It started a week ago last Wednesday when Dan started having severe lower abdomen pain right after I got into bed. I got up and nothing would alleviate the pain and he didn't want to go to the hospital. Finally after three hours of moaning and groaning in pain he agreed that he needed to go to ER. Called 911, sat in ER until 5am when he was moved to IU University hospital and admitted. I finally got home and into bed around 7am. The first diagnosis was that the CT scan showed infection at his colectomy site, possibly ulcerative colitis or crohns. Next diagnosis was a UTI, cultures needed. I have to admit I was slightly happy that he was in the hospital because I thought I was going to have about a week at home with peace and quiet. Next thing I know it's Friday and they're sending him home Saturday. I had one whole day of peace and quiet.
Then comes the pouchoscopy. Well, I've never heard about this one before. Since he doesn't have a colon they use a scope to look at the "pouch" left from the colectomy. It's actually his rectum but they call it a pouch...whatever. The final diagnosis is that he has crohns in his pouch, it's horribly diseased. There are two options: Remicade infusions or surgery. Remicade infusions would be one a week for three weeks followed by an infusion every eight weeks. This is a very toxic drug that can lower the immune system. He had two Remicade infusions in 2011 and he developed sepsis and almost died. Because of this the doctors are all recommending surgery. If he has surgery and survives then the whole cycle starts all over again. He'll be in the hospital, then a nursing home while he heals, then rehab because he became so weak from lying in bed for so long.
I feel bad for both of us. For Dan because it's his brain that is damaged and his body that has been partially gone for almost four years. Then this morning he has a lump at his gtube site with puss coming out of it. The GI doc is sending him to an infectious disease doc because of all the infections he's had in the past. I'm so tired. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I've been so exhausted that starting today I've got someone coming in for an hour at 6pm seven days a week to get Dan into bed.
Hopefully I'll start getting some rest. That said, I'm headed to bed. If I were a drinker I'd have a good stiff shot of something. Good night and sweet dreams to everyone.