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From: Staying alone isn't cool!


catbeleu

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Mike has become totally and completely intolerable about me going places without him. He doesn't like me going anywhere that is going to be more than an hour or two in length. He broods the whole day if he knows i am going to be gone in the afternoon and sometimes i think he fakes passing out and falls while i am gone in order to make me feel bad. For example on Easter Sunday he did not want to go to the family dinner with me so I went alone. I was gone longer than I expected to be so on my way home he sent me a text wanting to know how much longer i was gonna be. I told him i was almost there so when i got home he was on his knees in front of his pc and said he had fallen in the den and crawled to the chair to try and get up! Mind you i was only 5 min from home and he knew this, he proceeded to cry and told me he was so glad i was home and how lonely he was without me. I need some help here. Does anyone else have this problem? The whole 10 days i was in the hospital he stayed home alone and never once fell or had any passing out issues. This is not the first time something like this has happened. I think he is affraid if I knew he could take care of himself I would leave him! Maybe this will pass after we get married

 

 

Source: Staying alone isn't cool!

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Fear--- i am noticing it more and more with dan as well the "clingyness' he wants me -- not anyone else... i think your guy is scared of the world.. for you, and for him... ( dan is more worried about himself and his needs) but your guy fears for you i think - what if you get hurt, or sick --- the stroke has set off that feeling of vulnerability ... i think in time it will resolve.. but honey -- since your man is cognitive and can take care of himself... more or less... dont let him take your freedom, nothing good will come from that... you two have a good shot at a " normal" relationship more or less post stroke.. and resentment will set in if you lose your freedom... for me mine is gone the stroke took it along with so much more... but you keep what you can...

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Ray was always clingy with me, throughout our 36 years of marriage; at least now he has a good reason to be! I occasionally leave him alone for an hour, or two max, since he can call me on the phone if necessary; but I only to go to the gym very early one or two mornings a week while he's (supposed to) be sleeping, not every other day as I prefer; and then every few months the ladies in the neighborhood get together in the afternoon for a hen party and some laughs. I can't think of anything else I've done on my own lately. If I say I'm going to the garbage dump, or to the moon, he wants to be with me. He always used to give me a hard time when I went out, but seldom wanted to actually accompany me. Now he is afraid to be alone, and as I said, with good reason. Especially when the seizures started a year after the stroke itself, a constant concern. I push it because I want him to be a little independant, but there's not much chance of ever leaving him for a family dinner or 10 days in the hospital, for sure.

 

We had an aide a few hours a week for awhile, but she left the agency in January and they haven't replaced her. I was looking into day care instead, but starting to think it's not right for our situation. Not really sure what I am going to do, but not being able to go out for a bit by myself can be very depressing, and stressful at the same time. What I'm doing recently though, is telling him that if he can't stay by himself then day care is the only option, and that makes him be good for a little while at least. I hate to scare him like that, but it's the only thing that works.

 

No it won't pass after you're married, is my prediction. He will always be insecure, and you're going to have to work around that. But the fact that he took care of himself for 10 days is amazing. Guess you'll have to meet in the middle somewhere, but as everyone advises me, you have to get out on your own sometimes too or you'll go nuts.

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hi Cindy :

 

As a survivor I was never clingy to my husband though I needed lot of assurance from him that he still loves me and will never leave me.Of-course during that same time, I tried to be as much independent as I can be, so that I can live alone if ever need comes. but of-course every stroke is diffent & every one deals with their insecurities differently. as women I like to tell my hubby everything, of-course he is man of few words so will never share his feelings.

 

Asha

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Perfect example of what I mean is: Right now i am sitting here waiting on him to wake up because last night he "said" and i really pray he was pretending, that he lost his vision. He was on the commode talking about how he was worried about me going to get my nails done today because we are suppose to have some bad thunderstorms this afternoon.. about two minutes later he yelled for me to come help him because he said he could not see anything. He said everything was totally black! I called his daughter and we took his blood pressure, temprature and everything was normal. After a little bit he said he could see light and that everything was fuzzy. So we decided to wait till this morning and if it was still gone i am gonna take him to the doctor. I believe he just didn't want me to go anywhere. Guess i won't be getting my nails done after all. The wedding is Saturday. :(

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Cat, I have to warn you, a lot of times I've thought Ray was faking it too but you can't take anything for granted. I've felt really guilty when I found out later it was something; but then again he can't talk so it's always a guessing game with us. Maybe the excitement over the wedding is causing his body to react? Don't want to be a downer, but he won't be seeing your nails at all if something is really wrong with his eyes. Even if it's "imaginary" blindness.

 

Or the other option, take him with you. I am amazed at the strange places that Ray is glad to sit and wait for me, rather than stay home: the dentist, the hairdresser, etc. Sometimes I even reward him with pizza or something afterward, to make it more festive.

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Well he is awake and the vision is back! I truly think it is just as Nancy said, he is affraid I will be harmed! I am going to get my nails done which will take about 3 hours since my daughters paid for a full blown hand and foot spa treatment! LOL. Hope he is ok while i am gone cause he is insisting that i go!

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Normally if it's not the first time it probably won't be the last time either. Things like this happens to both partners in a relationship even marriages. Trust in and for each other has been my experiences now through out four different marriages. Obviously in this marriage things like that just doesn't come into play under any reasons known to man.

 

I guess the military taught me more about married life and periods of absence from the home for many different periods of time. Very early on their saying was "If we had wanted you to have a wife we would have issued you one." I never had a problem since with leaving home, being absent for periods of time or staying home alone.

 

I was home alone when the stroke happened and she was on a dental appt. which was good because she got home earlier than if she had been at work and that saved my life.

 

Mike just wants to know where you are 24/7 not that he needs you for help just for being there with him. And it's not a matter of he doesn't trust you but he want to know where you are when you are not home.

 

Older married men like myself have gotten past that stage of life with a wife. I wish the best for you two now and after the marriage and I pray the love both of you have for each other is ever lasting and he recovers a lot from his stroke soon!

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Cat: I am sorry I did not respond sooner. Feeling a bit under the weather and I found last night that the more I tried to concentrate, the less sense I was making.

 

So to Mike. You know, several weeks back, we had a miscommunication with the caregiver that let to Bruce being alone for 3 hours. I rushed home - cat not fed, no phone call from Bruce, no dinner from Bruce. And his response to me was "I was waiting for my Ethyl!" Now this is very different than Mike's response, but along the same line. he just doesn't seem to function unless I am leading.

 

And another part, loss of control. Mike does not seem to embrace the control that has been returned to him. He seems still so afraid. The 10 days alone must have been so terrifying and a wake up that you too are vunerable and neither of you has control over that. When I leave in the morning I always say to Bruce "take care of you, you are all I have." and he always reminds me of a "right back attacha!" And that is when I stop and realize that he is as afraid for me as I am for him.

 

Just try to stick to schedule. I would ignore the brooding. Stay in touch with him when you are out and always assure him that you will be along as discussed. Again routine and something he can bet the bank on. And maybe honey, one morning a week, every week for an hour you leave - same day, same time: get your nails or hair done, go to a local cafe, sit and work on wedding plans, drive to a local park and walk. After first day, you don't discuss it until that morning and then you say Mike, I am going to do whatever, I will see you in an hour. My cell phone is on. Don't give him time to brood or even think and build up his anxieties or offer to go with you. This is your time. He is either going to accept it or it will be something you will have to disguard. But something to consider.

 

I can agree with Colleen only in that Bruce does not think in layers. He is all surface and I know, for Bruce at least, that anything I might consider a controlling issue is not true for Bruce. If Bruce showed that kind of angst, I know, in my heart, it is truly there. He is not fabricating. You have to look to Mike and make that decision for yourself.

 

Go easy, Debbie

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