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(gulp) Help


ksmith

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((in a nutshell))

 

 

hi guys.

Well here is my predicament

 

i'm not proud to say that before my stroke, I had an affair on my husband. The dilemma is I have no memory of that nor a good hunk of my life.

 

We are in counseling for this as well as cognitive and we been working on rebuilding trust. I own my part in this but this is my question:

My therapist even agrees that something had to push me to that point, Which in fact it did.

 

According to my best friend and also my own sister saw, they both noticed that after we had our youngest son,his zest for life and having a relationship of doing things stopped. He feels that after having a baby, life focuses only on the children. True, putting your children first is what a family does but you can't let your marriage take a backseat. After a while you find you have nothing in common.

My husband understanding what a stroke is, granted he has been there since day one but he also said that one day I'm going to continue therapies and be back to normal. Dissolution.. maybe or wishful thinking.

 

I've also come to realize that his brother has a great deal of traits of a narcissist. The tension with he and I not able to sit in the same room with his brother I'm sure is pouring gasoline on the fire. I have a hard time with my 'filter' . I guess I'm just going round in circles but I needed to get this off my chest. My affair was 4.5 years ago and I have no memory of that, our marriage, my children being young, my childhood. I could go on. Am i being to demanding on him?? I need to know. Don 't be shy,, call it like it is. I respect honesty.

 

I need an outside party view point on this.

4 Comments


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Kelli, if you love your husband and he loves you you go on. All marriages have sticky patches. Some find marriage enrichment courses help more than therapy. The aim is to bring you back together as a couple. Ray and I did a day session and I think that helped. He could never say "I love you" except during intimacy so he needed to be able to say it at any time I needed to hear it.

 

I have doubts that things can be the same after an affair but you just have to keep rebuilding the relationship. It is a bit like keeping your house tidy and well maintained, you do a bit every day. I think my husband had an affair when I got really busy with the church and maybe I was not there for him as much as he liked and another lady flattered him and he spent some time with her that he shouldn't have, I don't think it was very serious but it did put a dampener on our marriage for a while.

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Things happen and we learn from them in many cases, now you know, and you have no doubt learned from that experience. I learned so much in my first three marriages to make me a better person, husband and provider in this last marriage of mine. For 16 years now I couldn't ask for anything more in a marriage as I'm the survivor and very happy husband.

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Kelly :

 

no one is perfect & l feel every one shows & feel love different way. I hope you hve read 5 love language book to realize your hubby loves you & shows his love different way than what you feel. I know I feel same way about my husband I feel loved by words of affirnation & he shows his love through his act of service. For me it took stroke to realize he loves me & that's why je is still around in my life. I feel its same way about your husband. just because he does not show his love by physical touch does not mean he does not love you, otherwise it was easy to walk away from relationship, but he is still here. I feel lot of time we waste valuable time in trying to change other person instead of just changing ourselves. hope you see his love, being good father is important part of relationship too.

 

Asha

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my dear--- my dan is not the person he was pre stroke... i wish he were but he is not, all his "sins" all though infidelity was not one ( except his affair with physical work) .. but there are qualities that are gone..POOF and qualities that have stayed.. i would not even think to hold any ill will towards him because of his/our past.. we are in the present now... and you husband has made the decision to be with you.. the affair was in the past it is no longer who you are.. you life/circumstances have changed -- your outlook is different. your goals and commitment different -- but your husband who is obviously family orientated has made his decision... and i dont believe anything could or should be done about a memory or past you dont remember... It is what it is and it was what it was... leave the past behind you... and cut yourself a break, you made a mistake-- the world is still here and it goes on and so should you.... Nancyl

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