I have been wanting to blog so bad. I had no internet for the last 3 weeks because I moved to a new apartment. I have been really depressed, crying all the time and just feeling horrible. I keep reminding myself of all the great things I have that I didn't have before but its like my brain just doesnt care. I think its the keppra. My neurologist increased my dosage from 500 mg 2x a day to 750 2x a day. I've experienced loss of coordination and dizziness daily. So it makes sense to me that Im probably also experiencing the mood changes, sadness, irritability, depression, and anger that are also side effects. I just feel like such a failure in life and with no internet or cable to distract me these last few weeks, it has been rough.

Having some friends or family here would help. I quit talking to the guy friend I talked about in my last entry. I thought about what happened and although he came to the hospital to check on me and drive me home after the seizure in March, the fact that he did not call to check on me after the seizure last month made me feel like he does not really care, Being alone to your thoughts with no one around to lift you up is the recipe for depression. I am going to my anxiety and depression support group tomorrow. I am glad I finally have internet again.

I had a seizure Monday morning that last less than 30 seconds. It was so weird. As soon as I woke up and looked at the clock it started. I could still move and talk but it felt like something was taking over my brain and it felt like I was trembling or something. I'd had a nightmare a few days before that. At least I think it was a nightmare. I'd woke up really early. I started to feel sleepy but knew I had to get up for work soon so I did not want to fall asleep at all because I didnt want to experience parasomnia. I was just so tired so I closed my eyes. Next thing I know there was someone walking into my room. I heard constant chatter in my head like a crowd talking. It would not stop. Then I heard loud bangs like construction was going on and fireworks and gunshots more people started talking louder in my ear. In my mind I was getting upset because I could not sleep with all the noise. I threw something at the wall to see if it would make a noise and to find out if i was dreaming or awake. (Iater I woke up I didnt see anything on the floor so I guess I just dreamed I thew something at the wall.) I felt like I was shaking. I grabbed my head to see if I was having a seizure. Everything was shaking. My body was shaking. Since I had screamed for help but nothing came out when the noises woudn't stop, and my throat was hurting when I woke up, I dont know if it was a real seizure or just the parasomnia.

I used to dismiss everything as parasomnia but ever since the real seizure, I never know whats happening in my sleep and if its real or a dream. Lately whenever Im laying on my back or left side, it feels like Im falling off a building while Im sleep and I jerk back to my right side. Sometimes I feel dizzy and wake up but I usually go right back to sleep. My neurologist whose known me for 5 years says its parasomnia and a psychological issue. My doctor here whose known me for less than a year thinks its seizures. I dont know what it is. I am just hoping the increase in my medicine will help. My sugar level is fine and it doesnt matter if I eat nothing at all or a restaurant meal before bed, what I eat and the occurence of the seizures dont seem to have an affect on each other so Im guessing its just a neurological issue.