It's true. Holding onto that painful thing someone did that caused you to make some error, is another way of trying to stop feeling wrong yourself. I mean, let me say it clearly, that doesn't mean they didn't have fault. It just means that as long as you struggle with that blame (they might deserve) it is really your own perceived failure that is causing it to go on and on. I think it is a very human thing. How many many things in my life have I thought, "If only that hadn't happened, then I wouldn't have... whatever". Finally forgiving yourself of it, releases the need to keep trying to justify yourself and feeling guilt, that results in the 'if only they had not'.... So many things we all have done, and do, are less than what we wished they would have been... often perceived as failures. I'm so happy for you that your hubby was able to give you a release from something that has bothered you so long

We had a Bishop who was from Sri Lanka and he always said: "Forgive others, forgive yourself". Asha, in your husband you have a fine man indeed. Thank you for passing his wisdom on to us.

Asha - you are blessed to have such a wonderfull man-- deep thinking, for all of us a little soul searching...thanks for the share...

How weird, I just came here to write something similar! I sit here complaining how so many people didn't step up to the plate when Ray had his stroke, or disappeared from our lives forever. But what about when my Dad was dying of cancer back in the 1980s? I should have been there, even though he lived five hours away from me. I was in my 20s then but still acting like a baby. My Mom had to bug me to give him a call, or meet them at Sloane Kettering when they were down. I had younger siblings that dealt with the drama upstate, so to this day all my Mom remembers is my earlier teenage angst (I was the oldest daughter, he was a cop, you can imagine). She thinks I never made up with my Dad. I feel like we had a great relationship, how self centered is that? Although I still believe he understood me and knew. It wasn't that I didn't love him dearly, I was just afraid, which is what I accuse others of now. It may be time for a heart to heart talk with dear old Mom, before it's too late!

Anyway what brought it to mind initially was a woman I became friendly with over the summer, we have gone to lunch a couple of times, and Ray was included, but her husband always had an excuse. She told me he has a mild case of MS, so I'm saying to myself, he should understand. And then I'm getting mad at her too. Who am I to judge? Meanwhile Ray was the same way before stroke, hated meeting strangers. So all of a sudden a lightbulb went on over my head. I must think I'm the greatest and that the world revolves around me. Wrong wrong wrong! It's time to be happy for all the friends, new and old, that do want to see us, and to be a lot more understanding of those that avoid us. Their purpose has passed; as Sue once said, there was a reason or a season for them which is gone now. I'd rather be grateful for what I have (and I have a lot!), feels much better than bitterness.

Forgive and forget, that's my new motto. What a load of baggage we all carry around, when we could be free and easy. Thanks Asha for putting it better than I could, and for reading my mind.

My mother always said those words..."Forgive and put it in the sea of forgetfulness like God does" Never to be discussed again!!! That is hard to do until you got some practice at doing it for me!!!

This stroke I survived brought me a lot closer to God and really believing in Him than I ever was in the past. Secondly, meeting and marrying the wife I got now was another blessing in my whole life and she already had God in her heart and knowledge morals I had not!!! But thought I did!!

Asha, well put! and your husband, what a Godly man. Some thing happen to me when I was young, and I prayed about it, gave it to God, just could not forgive. I read an newspaper article about people who forgive the person that kill they family member, how? and I was a praying women. My friend, a powerful women of God, took me to a weekend retreat.It was only women, and seeing how these women let go of the hurt, and grab on to love, I wanted to be like that. I saw that bitterness, was wrong, it mess up your mind. I want to be loving, a blessing to my husband, children, and Grandkids. At last I face up to the fact that if I did not forgive, the person would always have the power.

Asha: you are blessed to have such a spiritual and loving partner. It is very difficult to look inward and forgive yourself, but also dragging that guilt around each and every day serves no purpose except to give one permission to give up. And none of us here can do that.

Thank you so much. Like Colleen, I needed that today. Debbie

Well said, Asha!