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i can be a crab too.


nancyl

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We all know how crabby , moody Dan can be ( with good reason).. but sometimes i can be a real grouch to... today and days past i have noticed Dan sorta "times his needs" and not in a good way... or else it is my imagination... example of today.. Dan was doing his cleaning ritual of the sinks, and all that... i sit and wait for him ( standing and seizure risk and all that ) anyhow today - he was cleaning and just wouldnt finish up a little quicker . ... because he was having a BM while he was cleaning.. he just couldnt stop the task at hand to take care of his URGENT need... and I get the true brunt of it.. because then i have the wonderful mess to clean up... and it was one of the more avoidable things we encounter ( plenty is not).. that darn OCD.. so he clearly could tell i was irritated ... and it wasent just todays thing... other days / times i will ask his - want to get up ( from bed ) or wherever... and nope, then i walk into the other room and he does this - "HEY" that just sends a cerain anger down my spine... not the task - but the fact I JUST ASKED YOU..... and his HEY is so demanding and expecting... that i concure is mostly my imagination... I need a break - a real one - the kind where you physically are not here... i do get time away from him - the kids do help , but this is a thing he seems to "enjoy " doing to me ?? But i dont have it that tough i do know that... so beyond my little rant to my - diary- of life... i will move on..... deep breathe , and smile for the day !!.......

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Nancy - I often thought Ray did something on purpose to annoy me but as married people that was going to happen anyway, right? I miss him so much now. I hope you find the patience to deal with all of this and yes, you do need breaks, time off site so when someone yells HEY! it is not you who has to respond.

 

(((hugs))) from Sue.

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I agree with Sue. You do so much. If Larry spoke to me in that tone, I think I would return the favor. lol I don't have much tolerance since I am caregiver to him 24/7 as you are to Dan. Fortunately, Larry is not demanding - just stubborn.

 

Hopefully, there will be better days.

 

Julie

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Nancy....I used to explode - not just get crabby - when my hubby pulled some of the things he did (messed himself then pulled his pants back on without wiping) or his tone of voice was wrong. He couldn't help himself but, it got to me anyway and I would explode. It hurt him and we both knew he wasn't doing it on purpose. Maybe, you need help so, you can take a break. I had no one and my BP went so high that my nose bled for 10 hours then I stroked. You love each other but, you need a break from each other, too.

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Nancy: first off, it took me a long time to get Bruce to call me by name and no "Hey". But honey, I do know a lot of it involved brain healing as well. Plus please and thank you. I started this from day one because he was so rude to his caregivers (in my opinion - some will say, I am sure, it was the stroke, but basic manners are taught from the time we are brought into this world and there was nothing wrong with his long term memory.)

 

I often thought that about Bruce as well. Of course, I would only acknowledge that here. But Jen and Leo often complained that they would try to toilet him and then 10 minutes later he was incontinent. Of course I would defend Bruce and told them that I expected them to deal with the problems as professionals.

 

The one thing I do know Nancy, is that Bruce rarely considers the consequences of anything in regards to me. I try and I know you do, to remind him of the work he is causing - be it laundry, clothing change, having to sweep up. And every once in a while, he says or does something that lets me know at least he is thinking about it.

 

Still in all, I have my crabby days. With the not smoking I know I am on edge more and I am trying so hard to curb that. But that kind of behavior is what would throw me over as well.

 

Personally Nancy, at least in Bruce's case, I know, in my heart, that he is not capable of thinking that complexly, even with all the recovery he has made. I watch him go to his refridgerator, get his juice; go back, get his snack; go back and pick up his Estim case. He does this every single day and has for at least 2 years. I have shown him more times than I can count, how to do it in one sweep. When I find myself losing it, that is what I focus on.

 

Get some rest and please do consider some time away. You have been running full tilt for a very long time. Think about some time off. Debbie

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And debbi -- it is true what you say ---- i mean Bruce is way more "alert" than Dan ( since we have had the pleasure of meeting each other in person) - no doubt to me Bruce has a lot more cognition... than dan... so i intellectually-- know dan gets locked in --- but today was one of those days.... i even feel bad for complaining.... but i feel better after reading other peoples input -- and i will take a break i hope, i and my girlfriend wendy have plans to go to vegas for a couple days the week before thanksgiving...... i feel so guilty, dan would "maybe" like it there.. but physically i dont think i could pull it off... so i am gonna be selfish and go with a girlfriend - sleep in, get a massage, tour , bask in the sun , go to a show, eat some food or just stay in bed the whole day and not do one darn thing- ( wendy and i already agreed no guilt trips on each other) if one chooses to just do nothing - the other is free to go.. and hey with cell phones it is no biggie catching up with each other...

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Nancy, please be "selfish" because that time away is what enables you to continue on as your best self. It is really not selfish. It is doing what you need to do in order to be a good caregiver. When I have time away I get refreshed enough to look forward to bringing Lauren back home and I manage all his care so much better. It's a gift you give to yourself AND Dan. ~~Donna

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Nancy, You are allowed to be crabby too! My Dan always did things just to irritate me...he knew exactly which buttons to push to get a reaction. I'd ask him what he wanted for dinner; he'd say I don't know; I'd fix dinner; he'd say that's not what I want, I want blah blah blah; the irritating part was that he truly expected me to fix his blah blah blah. Uh, I don't think so. I remember one time he was so angry at me he left the table and went to his room and just stared at the wall until bedtime. Just like a 4 year old would do! It made me angry at the time but the longer he just sat there the more I was able to giggle about it!

 

I agree with Donna, you NEED to be "selfish" and take some time away just for NANCY. Take a weekend trip with a girlfriend, or just get a massage, go to a local hotel, listen to the quiet and sleep.

 

Hugs my friend!

 

MJ

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Honey: if anyone could pull off taking Dan to Vegas and having a good time, it is certainly you. But that is not the issue right now.

 

No Guilt Trips. You can plan something with Dan in the Spring. In the meantime, off to Vegas you go and yes, you come first.

 

I too sometimes feel badly about sharing a bad day - I have it so much easier than most, but we are family here. Today is your crabby day, tomorrow will be mine. We are all in this together. Go easy! Debbie

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Hi Debbie, yes go to "Vegas". Before I came on strokenet, I never thought of the "caregivers". just what I was going throught. Now, I have seem the "light". You all are angels, and God has a speical place for you all.

 

Start packing!

 

God bless

 

Yvonne

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Guest hostwill

Posted

nancy,

getting away is something we take for granted. use the abilities you still have to enjoy yourself. Life is short, and you deserve your "me" time. Have fun.

 

-Will

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Nancy, that is really hard. I know how you must think... if he is so darned OCD about a clean counter, why can't he apply that clean OCD thing to his own butt! Hang in there gal, hopefully, your trip will come off and you'll get a little time off!

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