surviving -- is it possible ??
Is it possible we are surviving the stroke ? Our life is no where near the same. Our location has changed, we have lost our "friends" and "family", we have to plan for everything, every event and every "what if" at a event,we deal with IV's and medications daily and weekly and sometimes way, way more than daily, I fail at being a effective mother and Dan at being anytype of father, or grandfather , we have very little enjoyment out of life ( although we do try) , every morning brings the dreaded - arghh what is today gonna bring, we have survived seizures, sepsis, surgeries, neighbor spats ( that is a new concept to me being the country gal i was -lol-) , we have seen and continue to battle depression ( both of us) . we have lost the ability to communicate - with words... the gestures are way more effective ( spoon)... most days it feels like there is no point to life---
BUT- yes thank god there is a BUT-----we still have a home, the friends and family obviously were not real or they would still be here, planning isent necessarily a bad thing- ( sometimes i could do with out the back breaking "bag" ), I have learned a lot about medications - and since i worked for so long around them at the jail - i was more comfortable than i would have been otherwise ( so god prepared me) although the IV's are a little tricky. Although i fail being a good mother, i used to be a good mother sooo, god prepared the family by helping me out earlier- so i am not as needed now - ( yes the 14 yr old definatley got the shaft but it could have been worse) . Dan mournes his loss ( as do i of both parenting and grandparenting - i can see it in his eyes) . But we still get them here- and some grandparents NEVER see the grandchildren we do.. Although we havent had a lot of elation enjoyment out of life, we have been able to do things... labor intensive and fatigueing for both of us, we have pushed through and attempted to live- a little-...... not everyday is a bad day - sometimes we get a fun one - so the bad ones make us enjoy the good ones a bit more ( very harold kushner of me) the seizures , sepsis and surgeries i cant find a good spin except maybe we have educated a few doctors (?) -- neighbor spats - i learned one should never move from the country to any communal setting ( also not a bad lesson). And although "words" is not how we communicate primarily we still get to communicate.... "28" and although somedays it feels there is no point to life - somedays it feels like there IS a point to life.....
So I guess i seek what others seek, for a millennium mankind has looked for purpose... the only difference now is--- i have time to ponder it. I never used to, running around ( both of us ) working to have and provide for our family...
Weekly ponderings ----- all i can do is shake my head and smile and shake my head again.......
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