I went to see the therapist today. She wants me to come back next week. We only talked for about 45 minutes and I feel like I barely scratched the surface but I know she can't fix my life. My goals I made today are to work on my fear, get control of my anxiety, and find a productive outlet for my depression I guess. All of these are very hard.

As for the fear and anxiety, I am constantly scared that I am going to have a seizure. As I said in one of my last entries, I feel EVERYTHING in these seizures. When I was a kid I rarely had seizures and when I did they were just nausea headache dizziness for a few minutes then I was fine. Post stroke I had them maybe once a year but I would just pass out. It was scary waking up from it and it would take a while for me to feel normal again because it felt like I'd been sleep for a very long time. Now what makes these seizures so horrible is I am aware the whole time its happening and cant control my body or get help.

I already try to breathe and talk myself out of it which is what the therapist told me to keep doing.

Trying to find something to do with my life is hard too. I keep finding jobs I want to apply for but they are full time. I cant hang out with my christian groups as much since my dad doesnt want me driving anymore. My therapist wants me to get out my room more even just sitting outside since being in my room triggers the seizures/anxiety attacks whatever. But Im just scared that doing things I dont usually do and being in different environments will just trigger that "weird" feeling and what if I have a seizure and fall on the porch or hit my head on our back deck. At least when Im in the house people can hear me and I have carpet.

Im always calling my dad to see where he is and leaving my door open now. I really hate being here. I just feel like Im not myself. Whenever Im not dizzy, Im feeling immense fear/anxiety or feeling de ja vu. It is like mental torture and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Well I hope therapy will help me with the "chronic depression" and panic attacks.

As for the seizures, even though my gynecologist said birth control and seizures are not related, there are so many women all over the internet that have experienced seizures after stopping birth control. There is research that progestin can suppress seizures while estrogen can make seizures worse. I was on progestin (the mini pill) for the whole 5 years that I was seizure free. I am not saying this is the cure but the fact that every month I have a seizure before or after my cycle and I was seizure free the whole time on birth control, makes me want to at least give it a try.