I didn't realize how messed up I had been feeling wow. Since I moved back home altogether I had been feeling kind of down about my situation but I was still going to church, going to the gym, and just spending time with family to keep from feeling completely depressed. It wasn't until today that I realized how depressed I was. I mean in the past 3 weeks I have pretty much had 4 partial seizures and 2 tonic clonic seizures.

I have not got in my car in almost 2 weeks and it seems like even when I try to get closer to God, he just lets more bad things happen. I had a seizure while watching a sermon online on the day I was registered to attend a singles conference at church. It doesnt help that my dad is always complaining about money so I feel like I am a burden moving back here and I have to sit in my room instead of going out because he doesnt want me to drive but he has to work to make money so he cant take me places unless its really important.

So yeah I did not realize how crappy I was feeling. I'd forgot how it felt to be content. I look back and think how could I ever complain about only using 1 hand? At least I didnt have to worry about seizures! I think back to my wonderful years of college, the best years of my life and I didnt even realize my seizures were under control. I cant imagine what it would have been like to try to get through college with seizures and anxiety/panic attacks. I definitely would not have accomplished so much. So I thank God for blessing me to be seizure free for so long. I didnt realize what a blessing it was. Like I said my seizures as a child I would just blank out so they were not as scary.

I also thought about driving. God allowed me to be seizure free long enough to get my license. If I wouldve never moved back home who knows I couldve had a seizure and got in an accident driving around Charlotte. If I would've never moved back home I wouldve still been working full time and not had the time to really think about the seizures and do the research. Really up until last fall I thought I just had parasomnias like my neurologist said but it wasnt until last week that I thought well what changed after I moved to Charlotte? If seizures can be caused by stress and lack of sleep, how was I seizure free the whole time I was in college? And thats when it hit me. I had NO idea my seizures were related to my hormones, progestin has an inhibitory effect on seizures, and I pretty much put myself through a progestin withdrawal when I stopped taking it in 2012.

Its like wow everything seems so clear when you dont have the cloud of depression blocking you from seeing the light. Its almost scary to feel good. I started my hormone tonight because I want to get it in my system right away. (I'm celibate so I hate calling it birth control.) I keep having that thought lingering like dont get too excited. but right now I am just trying to believe all of those prayers for me have been answered and I am officially seizure free. God I wont complain anymore. I always say this about other people but it really is crazy how you don't realize how good you have it until something bad happens.

Everything is not perfect. Birth control is not an anti-seizure medicine and my neuro and ob-gyn didnt even diagnose me with catamenial epilepsy so I know they are not going to be supportive of me taking the mini pill again for reasons other than birth control but it worked for me before so I believe it can work again and Im not planning on having children anytime soon so taking a pill every day does not bother me

Tomorrow I start my training for the work at home job for the disabled and I think Im going to at least apply to that administrative job just to say I gave it a shot. I am so thankful I can feel hopeful again. Thank you guys for your support.