Today I seen the psychiatrist and yesterday I talked to the therapist. The psychiatrist wanted me to take Xanax for my anxiety but I told him I'd rather try the therapy sessions instead of being on more medication. I told him that the side effects for Abilify say to consult your doctor before taking it if you have seizures so he told me to wait to start it until I see my neurologist again.

He also told me to take my clonazepam twice a day. I love the clonazepam because it helps me fall asleep and usually stay sleep with no seizures. I used to be so afraid to fall asleep, wake up from nightmares, and wake up on the floor from seizures. I have not had very many nightmares (parasomnias) since starting the clonazepam and moving home and I only had that 1 seizure in my sleep a few weeks ago since September. I kind of want to take the clonazepam twice a day too since it relaxes me and I almost never have seizure after taking it every night, but at the same time it makes me so tired I do not want to be a walking zombie especially if I start working again. I wish I still had faith in keppra. It sucks that it doesnt seem to make a difference in controlling the seizures.

I have been seizure and panic attack free for officially 10 days now YAY! I made a post on the forum but no one responded so I guess no one can relate. Basically I still have headaches sometimes but I havent had any panic attacks (dizzy, nauseous, heart beating fast). The only thing I have is this tingly feeling in my arm. The soreness in my shoulder is starting to go away but ever since the seizure I constantly feel this tingly in my arm. Like before I could not feel anything on that arm but now I constantly feel my sleeve rubbing against it and Im constantly moving it to make sure its not stiffening up or about to start jerking for another seizure. I believe in my mind that I am seizure free and Im glad I somehow got feeling back in my arm again. I just wish it didnt take a seizure to give me this feeling because instead of being excited, I get scared because I keep getting flashbacks of that day.

Spiritually, things are not so good. I believe in God and I do believe everyone's prayers for me worked. But at the same time I feel scared of Him. The other day I was invited to church but I didn't go because I thought well the devil might make something bad happen to me if I go worship God. Then I was scared not to go because I thought well God is going to punish me if I don't go out of fear of the devil. I dont want to feel so superstitious when it comes to God and blessings and curses but I don't want to do anything that could make God take away my blessing. Also I keep getting really happy and too excited then I have to calm myself down because I think I will make myself have a seizure or I think something bad is bound to happen since I feel so great but I am working on my pessimism with my therapist.

Other than that though my life is good. I passed all of my preliminary training for the work at home company. I was so excited when I went out and bought my headset today. I continue training tomorrow. My dad took me around to look at some income-based housing and today I bought a sofa and loveseat I really wanted. It gets tough laying in bed all day with no one to talk to while my few friends are at work. Its so much easier to think of bad stuff, worry, and give myself panic attacks when Im just laying here all day staring at the walls trying to find things to do to make time pass so it felt really good to be out of my room all day and prepare for when I move out.