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the idle mind


CagedBird

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Thank you guys so much for your comments. I signed my lease today and got my power turned on. The apartment is huge. My last apartments were 650-700 sq ft at the most. This one is 975 sq ft. I wish I could've got excited today but I was so worried about the EEG still. I am so ready to decorate my new place and live my seizure free life! This EEG thing just worries me because Im scared they will take me off my medicine like last time which will mess things up after I've been doing so good. Im also scared because I think I am going to be sleep deprived during the EEG and ever since I started the clonazepam in September, sleep has been my favorite thing to do because I have no more seizures and nightmares and no worries or anxieties while sleep.

 

I know its all in my head. Earlier I was watching a tv show on my laptop and I felt the slightest weird feeling so I immediately shut my laptop. I tried to call someone on the phone or text someone then I wanted to cry when I couldnt reach anyone at that moment so I went in the kitchen and ate some pizza. It kept my mind occupied and I forgot all about the weird feeling. When I was in college, I knew I was seizure free. I never thought about seizures besides taking keppra everyday. I didnt even know what it felt like to have a seizure. I enjoyed that "weird feeling" I would get back then when doing something exciting or going somewhere different. I stayed busy and anytime I wasnt busy, I enjoyed just relaxing. Now whenever I do something fun, I get scared to feel excited and when I have nothing to do I immediately try to find something to do. Its really hard to explain but I know its anxiety and just the fact that the feeling of having a seizure is so fresh in my mind.

 

I am thankful I did not have a seizure today and I hope I do not have one tonight or tomorrow before I get to the hospital. I will not be bringing my laptop so I will not be able to update you guys until I get back. I really do hope that the EEG goes well. I also hope that I can get rid of this fear and anxiety. I hate freaking out every time I cant find someone to talk to or having to stop what Im doing and think about something else every time I feel "different". Wish me luck at UNC. I guess I will be back by Tuesday

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katrina :

 

best of luck you will be in my prayers, good luck for your test & enjoy your new apartment start renovating once you come back from your tests.

 

Asha

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Miss Katrina,

True It's All in Your Head, but everything in your head is not necessarily within your control. What I meant by having too much time on your hands to think and anxiety attacks had more to do with getting yourself worked up over going for a test, than the reality of being afraid you may have another seizure.

I have full blown seizures too and know that fear of not knowing when one may hit to the point where you're not sure if you are imagining the onset or they are real. That kind of keeping yourself under a microscope to evaluate and wait and see what happens is very nerve wracking and gave me panic attacks too. I found that no matter how busy I was, the slightest nuance or sensation refocused me back to my fear. After a while what I realized was the panic attacks began to mimic the onset symptoms and I was creating my own monster too.

I then decided that if I didn't get control of it the fear would control everything I did and eventually become more crippling than the stroke itself, so I rationalized it.

I put in my head things that made sense to me like: As long as I took my seizure med I wouldn't have one, or at least not a full blown one, since they slow down what fires in my brain to cause them; if I was going to be out alone I always had ID, so the worst case scenario had my family contacted by medics. It made more sense to me that I wasn't going to die, and in reality might just end upon the ground with a booboo or two. Mostly I trusted God to keep me safe.

 

Best of luck with your EEG. Have lots of fun running through the rooms and decorating your super-sized apartment.

We will need pictures ya know Chicklet!

 

Love you,

Maria

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Katrina, senting you prayers for EEG. The song is "I AM so happy" about your new apartment. Also happy thoughts about decorating!

 

God bless

 

Yvonne

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Kelli, you are so demanding! Katrina, good luck with the decorating, something nice about making a place your own. Grab your Dad for help but not advice is he is anything like mine was. Think of the opportunities you have to express your personality in your new home.

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