I could blog about how I stayed gone majority of the day yesterday and still had 3 panic attacks so Im just doomed. I could be pessimistic about the psychiatrist prescribing me to another therapist but Im trying this new thing where Im not complaining! Sometimes I do need to just vent but I notice I tell everyone everything Im going through far too much and unless Im telling them for the purpose of them praying for me then otherwise Im just complaining.

SO today I spent the entire day in the house just like last Tuesday. Had an attack but thanked God until it ended. My phone only rang twice today but I was so focused on what I was doing that I only called back one person. I didnt feel like I just NEEDED someone to talk to. The last time I washed dishes on Friday I had a panic attack but today I washed them with confidence and just sang songs of worship in my head. I didn't even force myself to sit on my couch and watch any movies today to make time go by and I still enjoyed my day.

Yesterday I was totally against more therapy because the last therapist didnt cure the panic attacks. But my new therapist made me hopeful. My assignment this week is to make 2 short term goals and 1 long term goal. We are not going to focus on panic attacks so yay I wont have to keep track and bring up every attack each time I go to therapy. I think I want to work on fear. I have so many fears and anxieties. My last therapist pretty much gave me techniques for helping me get through the attacks and suggestions for me to get out of my apartment during the week BUT I realize my circumstances don't trigger the attacks. Majority of the time they are random and what I really need to work on is minimizing the intensity of them and my fears in general. So Im optimistic about therapy.

This morning I practically started writing a book. I finally discovered my purpose. The more I go through, the more I can encourage others and God obviously gave me this story to encourage others. Yesterday I visited my mom and my friend who has lupus. My mom was still in intensive care and my friend was in the brain injury unit of the rehabilitation part of the hospital. I seen nurses and hospital workers that remembered me from 2001. It was so weird being on the other side. Im so used to being the one in the hospital not the visitor. My friend with lupus is learning to walk again with a walker and my mom just got moved to rehab today. She will have to learn to walk again as well since her accident fractured her hips and pelvis or whatever.

I thought about the day I took 7 steps after my stroke. I didn't know I was going to walk that day. I couldn't see the end result. I was scared. I had to depend on other people to help me and encourage me and nothing was instant. I didn't just get out of the bed and walk. It took time. That's the way I learned to look at this season of my life right now. Yes I want the attacks to completely go away. Yes I want a job so I can be productive everyday. But instead of being so selfish and focusing just on me and the bad, yesterday was so humbling I learned to focus on the good in my situation.

• Friday night I was able to give advice to a girl who's friend was struggling with panic attacks. The girl herself couldn't relate but I could and she was really appreciative of my advice
  
• Instead of working any old job, Im attending a discipleship class called Discovering Who You Are which helped me discover my life gifts so I will have a passion for the next career I choose. (This also gets me out of my apartment and a chance to fellowship on Wednesday nights)
  
• My very good friend that I met from church who I spent my birthday with and leads the women's social group I'm in that meets once a month, not only lives in the neighborhood next to mine so gives me rides, but she is a vocational rehabilitation counselor so I can talk to her about any and everything!
  
• I have an awesome accountability partner from a group I am in called Pinky Promise. She prays with me and we talk every Thursday night. Because of this group I no longer get rejected by guys because Im not dating! When I lived with my dad and when I was in Charlotte I was always looking for guys and getting rejected. I just wanted to get out of my room and away from the depression. I just needed a outlet. But now I no longer do that because I have a great group of girlfriends that pray with me, give me support, and have social events once a month.
  

I have grown so much and my circumstances have changed for the better a lot but I am learning to try to "be happy no matter what" and not let my circumstances affect my inner peace. Im not worried that Im experiencing early onset of my mom's mental condition. I go see the doctor tomorrow to schedule my 5 year colonoscopy but Im not worried that my mom gave me cancer or that the last time I had a seizure was the day I left that doctor's office. When I focus on the good, I have no time to worry about the bad. (My hematologist put me on Vitamin D last week so maybe that is having a good effect on my mood