I don't really have any advice, but I do have a shoulder to lean on and let you know I feel so sorry for you and Dan! You are in my thoughts and prayers I don't have a clue or educated or non-educated guess on what you should do. Prayers and know some people do read your blog, I usually really enjoy them! But in this one I can sense your desperation. Hope everything works out!

I also feel like everyone is losing ground in this struggle, and feel what a bad situation it is. It kinda reminds me of the old alcoholic commercial where it says, "your loved one is an alcoholic... you can see what it's doing to him...but can you see what it's doing to you?" Something has to give here. The reason to caregive is to give them the best of life... in this case, it's not happening. Not only does he throw it back in your face, but you are all being robbed of any kind of life at all, with no payback - no enjoyment for him that makes it all worth it.

I don't know what's involved in the financial end of SNF, but Nancy, it would all be on them to control this stuff, not you. Maybe you can't save him anymore, but you can save the rest of you. If he finishes his life there, at least the rest of the family will be left standing, at the rate things are going, it looks like you are all going to go down with the ship. Praying for you all to find the solution, and just praying in general, for this horrible situation.

Prayers from me too. A caregiver at best is a volunteer, a volunteer who does what he/she does out of love. This behavior so goes against that principle and I honestly don't know how you keep on doing it. But so did Ray snatching any bit of sugar that he could wherever we went and then having night sweats, diarrhea etc and me having to do big clean-ups. Sometimes our menfolk are so stubborn that disasters happen and we suffer along with them.

Nancy, I wish I had a magic wand and I would come right over and turn your life around and make all your dreams come true. But I am not able to do that. So who to turn to? Maybe someone in the mental health field would be my guess. Things have to change for the sake of your family and your sanity too I suspect.

Nancy, I am so sorry you're having to go through this, but having met Dan and you I understand where he is coming from. He's tired of the struggle, he wants it over and done with and he seems to want it sooner rather than later. Our stroke friends from Colorado just went through the same thing, and he passed away on Tuesday. She had just called me three weeks ago and told me she was struggling with whether to force feed him, when he was refusing to eat, and basically just giving up on life. As much as she wanted to hang on to him, he was ready to go and they finally called in hospice on Saturday. We can't control everything our survivors think and do, we can only control how we react to their decisions. My prayers are with you ............these are life changing or ending decisions he is making, and it's not easy to give him that choice, but it seems to be his choice.

Nancy,

I know I have not contributed to this site in awhile, but I still read it all the time. You may remember that I am my husband's caregiver. I have a philosphy about at-home care for those who need it. My mother is a parapalegic. She lost the use of here legs when she was 47. Some years back, she had to have gall bladder surgery. Whe she came home, she was still in a lot of pain. As a result, she couldn't get on the bed pan, and of course, couldn't get out of bed to go to the restroom. My sisters and I did our best, but our best was not what was best for her. One sister was crying, one sisters was mad and so on. I realized then that sometimes loved ones are just not the best choice to provide care for the ones we care about the most. Once the nurse showed up, things changed. She responded very differently to her than she did to us, her daughters. We, as caregivers, to our husbands believe the best place for them is home, with us, the wives that have loved them for so long, long before this awful thing happened to them. Nancy, we can not love them well! If we could, they would all be happy and healthy. It's a very personal decision, but you have to ask yourself, is this the best situation for him. If the answer is no, then you, as his caregiver and person who loves him the most, need to make a decision based soley on what is best for him from a purely healthcare prespective. I know it would be better for you to have him home, but maybe you are at a point where your best is not what's best for him. I know you love him, but we can't love them well. Know I am thinking about you.

Cathy

Nancy, I think the above posts echo what most of us feel. I have been where you are making life changing decisions. Maybe it is time to let go and let God. You cannot go on like this.

The decision though is ultimately up to you. You know we all pray for you and support you. I also wish Dan well as always.

Prayers go to you and your family,

Julie

Nancy. we do read your blog, and please know that our love, prayers are with you. You have a tought choice to make, but I feel that you and your family can not take much more. Plus it is hard for Dan as well. Like Cathy said, we love ones are maybe not the best choice to be the caregiver, when the going gets tought. My mom is giving my sister a hard time, not taking her meds, so a nurse is coming , no problem, Mom does everything the nurse tells her to do!

I know it is hard, my prayers are with you Know that your strokenet friends are supposting you.

God bless to you family and Dan

Yvonne

Nancy,

I got ten years in now as a survivor, soon to be eleven years come December 15th, but I just have no idea or suggestions that would help you in this situation!! I can feel how wishful you are in wanting Dan to take his meds and recover a lot from where he is presently!!!

Maybe you will have to stay home with him again?????

Fred, he acted this way when she stayed home, too.

Nancy, I'm new here on this wonderful site. I just want to tell you that you are Wonderful and I am praying for you and Dan! (((((((HUGS)))))))

Worrying about you all.

Nancy, I'm so sorry that you're in this spot! Wish I could help, but I have no idea... My one suggestion is for you to play out all the "what-ifs" in your head beforehand, so that no matter what happens, you're as comfortable as you can be with your decision and you won't blame yourself. Cyber hugs coming your way! Becky

Nancy, I can understand where you are coming from as I have just lost my sister in law due to the fact that she had given up on life. Granted she was nowhere near the shape Dan is in but she felt she had no reason to live after her daughter died last year. She had heart problems and an anurisim in her heart that they could not do surgery on because she refused to quit drinking. She had a pace maker/ difibulator that might have saved her life but unbeknown to my brother, a lead had come loose and in order to repair it they told her she would have to quit drinking and she refused. Her days revolved around her alcohol and she could not see that life could be wonderful for her and my brother even though she had lost her daughter! No depression medicine nor any kind of intervention was going to make her want to live. She had to make that decision on her own and she did! She wanted to die and therefore she did. I know this is hard on you but we cannot make that decision for them. Sometimes we just have to accept their choice and make them as comfortable as we can. Who knows maybe Dan will change his mind and decide to live. Only time will tell, but know this, YOU have done your best! YOU cannot blame yourself for his decision. I pray that you find peace in some of this. I will continue to pray for you and Dan. Even though we have never met in person I feel like you are one of my dearest friends and confidants. God bless you and may He keep you wrapped tight in His arms during this struggle. Love and Hugs to you!

Nancy,

I am so sad for you. I cannot imagine your grief.,frustration, and bewilderment. It seems that Dan is making a choice. But you don't know about his cognitive abilities. I just pray that you are able to make the difficult decisions that you have to face.

Ruth