so dan has always through the years taken the side of the bed closest through the door - typical male thing i think…. but because the stroke affects his rt side - the rt side of the bed is the best side for him…. but he has decided he is gonna sleep closest to the door… which is awesome --- NO wait it is not awesome …. he has very little control where he needs it and had made more messes -- every night the bed ( his side it wet ) yes we still have almost daily instance anyhow - but now he misses everything …. he is unable even to cover himself and he starts out by not wanting any covers but the sheet -- so in the middle of the night he gets cold and wets the bed more often than normal and then can't reach the blanket ---- yesterday in the wee hours ( that time many of us get our only decent sleep ) he is YELLING -- water, water… i hop outta bed think urinal - nope ( he had already wet the bed) so i think is he thirsty - not he gets mad when i offer him "water" i ask coke ? since he won't drink water for the most part anyways…. Npe - so then i run around the room pointing and touching everything cause MR OCD-- wants something perfected… no he was cold and needed the comforter pulled over to him - But first a complete bed change and shirt change… And I am up now this early am cause the same thing just played out…….

Last nite was dans traditional card nite .. we did our ritual , no other word for it - it certainly is not a date since hardly any "mutual" niceties are exchanged .. he chooses the pew the least accessible for me to help him - giving me limited space to help with the transfer from wheel chair to pew and back -- i have maybe 5 inches on the outside of the wheel chair … he chooses this pew every time it is vacant … a pew in front or in back no problem but dan seems to think the pew with the pillar is the way to go…… then i sit through the whole church process - i am not catholic - so i do this for him, we have for the most part pretty boring rectors , and i love christ - and church is great when you are not so tired you would rather be dead… but i am forced to go - others volunteer but he looks at me with this terrible distain like what a awful wife for not wanting to go partake in the whole "ritual "-" his" not the "church"--- so finally church is done - oh he loves to hip shove me over when they bring the host to him… i would rather sit on the other side of him , but no we have a ritual…. last night we do the whole apple bees thing - where i end up having to help him into the high bar stools --- which is fine once a week therapy sorta.. he insists we "share" every meal ok - so we order steak well done - never well done enough for him - so i cut the steak in half and just have them nuke his half or it would be charcoal .. and then we have the whole coke no ice - instantly.. which is what prompted us to sit at the bar, service is generally good and the delivery of pop quick…

so we leave apple bees and go home so he can use the bathroom - better than making nancy clean public toilets anyways right ? --- so he spends 2 hours on the toilet cause he is so constipated - i do 4 fleet enemas - finally get a evacuation - he is tired and weak , but insists - Cards - i am so tired by now i am crying i just don't want to do this ritual anymore … the bar is not my scene and since he tries the whole YOU can't have a drink - sometimes i just lost any interest .. and i have very few friends -- to call and say come hang with me - i am miserable. the few i have, i don't want to abuse … so he plays cards actually did ok --- came home and insisted he sleep on the side of the bed that doesn't work out so good for either of us…. Control issue it is - we all know that - I swear sometimes he is trying to work me to death in a sick twisted way of revenge for his stroke ….. and sometimes i wish i would just die , this is no way to live for him, me or anyone…… and in answer to the question the new girl is doing a great job in terms of helping out with everything- i come home the house is spotless and she has a schedule that so far she has adhered to. so I am not overly stressed about housework and the like, just sick of this roller coaster ride -- i have thrown up on all the bystanders and they have went away….cause this life is not a life.. it is its own prison for Dan and for me---

Yes, another "Good morning" - happy fun filled day…… in stroke land USA …..nancyl