Lastnight I remember I had a dream I used my weak hand to peel a banana and as I was telling my dad about it I started to wiggle my index finger for the first time. It was a wonderful dream. Unfortunately I did not have good sleep. I said i was going to be positive so I did not blog yesterday when I felt like I just wanted to die.

On Wednesday, I had more panic attacks than I can count. I couldnt even think straight. I even had one sitting in class at church, But I was still thankful that night because I made it to church and back home safe and did not have a panic attack trying to get in my apartment like the Wednesday before. Friday was amazing because it was the first weekday I can remember in 2 months that I did not have any anxiety or panic attacks. I did some of the very same things I've done before on Fridays and went to the same places I've had attacks at before. So when I got ready for bed I was just so thankful I got a break. I used to keep track of the days i had attacks but since they started happening so much I just started to keep track of days I don't have attacks.

I have been praying so much and giving thanks so much so I really believed Friday was going to be the beginning of no more attacks. Unfortunately yesterday (Sunday) was a repeat of Wednesday. I had more attacks than I can remember including one in church except there was no happy ending. I had them all night too. Its like I would sleep for a little bit then wake up shaking, heart beating fast, and I cant breathe. This happened all night.

I go see my therapist today which is very much needed. My bestfriend got a new boyfriend so she doesnt talk to me much anymore and when I do call her she is busy so I feel like Im bothering her. My new friends are great but since I dont know them that well, I don't want to run them away always going to them when I need them. I try to share good news with them but since one friend is like my mentor and the other is a vocational rehabilitation counselor, I just dont want to get on their nerves because it feels like my bad outweighs the good and I know they have problems of their own to deal with. Im going to call my church and see if I can get on the list for pastoral counseling.

I just try so hard I mean really hard. I spend at least an hour in prayer every morning thinking about everything Im thankful for and praying for my friends and family. I watch Joyce Meyer every morning. Im currently reading her book "Enjoying Where You Are on the Way to Where You're Going" so I wont feel so worthless about being unemployed, not in school, and alone while my friends are busy. I read the Bible everyday. People come to me with their problems and I always have an encouraging word for them. But I just feel so weak. Im tired of suffering. I know people have it worse than me and I have a lot to be thankful for. Just the other day I was thanking God for the purpose in my pain as I used my life experiences to encourage a friend. But right now Im just tired of the mental torment. They're like mini seizures without the jerking and blackout. I just dont want to live anymore but I dont want to die.