Just wondering if he is on anti-depressants.   Stroke people really need them to deal with all they are going thru.   Don't think of them as something needed by nervous women.    These meds are desperately needed by stroke surv. to stay on an even keel.    It may tone down his aggressiveness but no promises.   Tell doctor right away.

Thanks Sandy, he has been on celexa for almost two months. I Will call the doc today.

I'm not sure how common this is, but quite a few spouses have claimed that the stroked spouse displays a lot of animosity. However, your father's sounds a little extreme to me: He's going to take a knife to her; doesn't want her at family gatherings, and kicks her hard enough to almost knock her over. I think that you need to try and find either a stroke psychologist or a stroke psychiatrist for him. An antidepressant may help, but I think he needs more. Also, you may want to talk to an attorney about getting POA over one, if not both parents because, without her consent, I'm not sure you can send your father anywhere.   Becky

I agree with Sandy - I too feel if may be related to his medications. It is important that you list them all and get on-line or go to the Pharmacy and talk to the Pharmacists while you are waiting for the Neuro to call you back. However, this is not a "wait" situation - if the Neuro does not get back to you promptly - keep calling and telling the receptionist this is an "Emergency." Do let us know

I got him to the doctor today. They think it is the celexa. They are putting him back on Paxil. I pray this works.

You certainly have a lot on your plate. A mom with Alzheimer's, a father with some kind of brain injury, an unemployed husband and no siblings to help out with your parents. That's more than most of us could bear so the first thing you should do is quit feeling guilty. The next thing, I believe, is to find the best medical care for your father that you can find. Ideally your primary care doctor would be a great resource for this but if he's not particularly helpful you'll have to go it alone and do the necessary research. As I understand from having read one of your earlier posts no one is 100% sure that your dad even had a stroke plus he seems to have a lot of blockage in his carotid artery, which suggests his brain isn't getting enough blood. The latter is a medical condition requiring professional diagnosis and treatment. You just have to find the right doctor, most likely a neurologist. Your father has rights under Medicare including the right to challenge a doctor's decision (such as dismisal from a hospital before the patient feels he's ready). I  suggest that you contact Medicare both online and by phone to acquaint yourself with your dad's rights. And, by the way, if you don't have a full medical power of attorney you need to get one. That will allow you to make decisions on behalf of your dad. You also should have one for your mom.  If you have the resources you probably should see a good lawyer who specializes in eldercare. You seem to feel roughed up by various hospitals and other institutions so it is time to get a little muscle on your side. You'd be surprised how even the most rigid doctors and institutions can become suddenly flexible and reasonable when they realize that a patient has the means and will to fight back. Lawyers give you that capability. My point is, you have to get your life under control. If you keep bouncing from pillar to post you'll batter yourself until you fall apart. You're already thinking about quitting your job. If you do that, how will you live? It's hard to think clearly when you are under so much stress and strain.

Turning now to the question you asked, I have no idea if your dad's threats are "normal" for stroke victims but even if they are they are troubling. The cause for his behavior for now is anyone's guess but I imagine it has something to do with the way his brain is working or not working. The brain controls our emotions as well as our physical activities so if it gets damaged or deprived of sufficient blood behavior can be affected dramatically. I've seen a highly intelligent, very well mannered man of 70 suddenly become foul-mouthed and hostile around anyone and everyone as the result of a brain injury. When his brain healed, the obnoxious behavior went away. Such things happen when you're dealing with the most complex organ a human has. Those things often defiy logic and reason. That's another reason you need to get the proper professional help for your dad.

Once you know what is wrong with your dad and whether it can be treated you can get on with the process of finding the help that he needs. Depending on his problem he could need surgery or rehab or skilled nursing care or assisted living or even full-time care in a nursing home. Right now you have no way of knowing. But while you are finding out, you also need to keep him and your mom safe. When a person threatens himself or others it is serious. Sometimes the person acts on those threats. So be realistic about your dad's hostility. Remember, this is not the dad you've always known, this is a dad whose brain isn't working right. Hopefully his condition is temporary.

I imagine that right now you are feeling helpless, hopeless, desperate or a combination of the three. I  know that there are no easy solutions. But I also know that you need help and that help is available. So don't hesitate to seek it out and ask for it. There is no disgrace in that.  Maybe there is an organization in your area that deals with problems of the elderly. Or perhaps there is someone in whatever hospital you are using, perhaps a social worker or a patient advocate. Just start looking. I'm sure you'll find something. And, by the way, that eldercare attorney I suggested probably has a lot of information along those lines.

Good luck. I'm pulling for you and your family. And remember, there is always hope.

Ron

Between a rock and a hard place. No one wants to placea loved one in a nursing facility. We all understand that but sometimes it is the only

Reasonable option so don't throw it out the window. Good he changed meds. Every med and every patient is different. I don't think his behavior is all that unusual for a stroke survivor but it is extreme. It doesn 't matter what the cause is, it needs to be addressed right away. Right now everyone is stressed and unhappy. Stress will harm you, your family, your mom, and your dad. Locate a senior citizen center or the hospital he was released from and ask to speak to s social worker. They can tell you what resources are available and point you in the right direction. Good luck. You need help with all of this. Have been there before. Also, you need power of attorney. You need control, not some third party.hugs.

Is his family doctor a gerontologist? If not you may want to find one.

Thank you for all the information. I do have power of attorney for both mama and daddy. I have established a geriatric primary care doctor for both mama and daddy at Uams which had the best reviews for care of the elderly. I have daddy's first appointment with a neurologist at uams on January 12. The primary care doctor is afraid to add to any of his meds until he sees the neurologist. He is third on the work in list if they get a cancellation. Calling the social worker from the hospital is a great idea. I have the cell phone number of the social worker at White County hospital. She was the one that worked so hard to get daddy trNsferred to little rock. I thought of one other thing that might be causing him problems. I have been giving him cinnamon for his diabetes. I found a study today that linked cinnamon to confusion in some patients. I am eliminating the cinnamon immediately. I am going to sleep on it tonight and try to come up with a plan. Daddy is starting to show animosity toward me now. He accused me tonight of choosing between him and mama. I don't know what brought that on. I told him I love them both and would never choose between them. I reminded him that he loved me too. He said he thought he did which was a bit hurtful. I just have to remember this is not my dad. I do feel better that daddy doesn't have a uti. At least that is one thing eliminated. Again, thank you for all your help. You have given me some things to think about. Off to bed, have to work tomorrow.

Today was another bad day but not as bad as yesterday. I think part of the problem is that I haven't been over there for two days. I will take them to church tomorrow then eat lunch with them. Robbie helped me today since I had to work. Brett,th hubs went over and ate breakfast with them. He said they were both very confused. Daddy wasn't aggress toward mama today that I can tell. She will start on a new med tomorrow to calm her down. I have about decided to take daddy to uams er if he continues the aggressive behavior. I am trying to give the Paxil time to work. I asked him this morning why he thought I was choosing between him and mama. He said he dreamed it. I told him again that I loved them both. This afternoon he accused me of not being truthful. I told him I am trying to be as truthful as I can. He thinks I am going to dump him and mama at the farm with no transportation. I told him that is not going to happen. Brett thinks Robbie and mama are telling him I am going to be upset if he doesn't turn the tv and lights on. Mama keeps putting him on the phone for me to get onto him about stuff. I told her unless it is an emergency I will do it in person. I am praying that tomorrow is a good day. Daddy told uncle Tommy today that he was planning on marrying Robbie. He also told uncle tommy he didn't have time to talk to him. I plan to text the social worker at white county tomorrow for help. I am in way over my head. On a good note, we had a Sunday school christmas party tonight that was wonderful. I have pretty much quit doing anything for myself and I realize now that is not going to work.

Today was a fairly good day. Daddy left the light on today. They had the tv on a little bit before he turned it off. He wasn't aggress toward mama today. He said his dreams were better. He told mama he thought he was depressed. I really hope changing the meds takes care of the issue. Mama is now on neurontin which is helping her anxiety.

Today was a decent day. Daddy apparently slept most of the day. Mama said he talked to her last night and said he couldn't live like this. He wanted to jump in the river. He also said he was taking off to the woods when I take him to the farm. I called my uncle and he said daddy told him he wanted to jump in the river. I am not sure what to make of this. I went over to the apartment after work and fixed chile. I tried talking to daddy. He told me he was depressed which I believe. I told him it was day five of Paxil and we would have to be patient. He says he is not sleeping at night, mama says he is. He hasn't been antagonistic against mama so far this week. He also hasn't asked Robbie to marry him this week. He is remembering more things. He seems to waffle between wanting to get better and despair. He isn't crying but seems very frustrated with his inability to remember things. I talked about upcoming doctors appointments today specifically his neurology appointment 1/12. He started talking about mamas dementia in front of her again tonight. I had to ask mama to leave the room so I could remind him not to keep bringing her dementia up. I asked him if he realized I was only trying to help them. He said he did. I double checked his math problems. All were correct except one. I made more problems for him to work on. I told them I would be there for breakfast in the morning. I plan to leave there after breakfast to spend some time helping with the new grandbaby. I am really tired but I know Brittany needs help with the new baby. I feel stretched pretty thin right now. Thank goodness I am off for the next five days.

Hi Debby, just read your blog, and you and the family are in my prayers.  With out  hope is despair, and you are doing a wonderful job. 

Try not to stretch yourself  to thin, you don't need to get  unwell. Brittany understands what is going on.

Merry Christmas, God Bless

Yvonne

Today was probably one of my worst days since daddy got sick. Brett and I got to the apartment around 6:30 this morning. Daddy was very quiet. I could tell he wasn't havin a good day. I gave him his meds and we headed to greenbrier to help Brittany with the baby. We no sooner got there than I got a text from one of my aunts telling me they all felt daddy should be in a nursing home possibly in their home town and it would probably be cheaper. They felt he needed to be under skilled nursing care. One of them had talked to him this morning if not all of them. I responded back with the nursing home in McCrory is 8660/month and that was a no go. My aunt responded back that she had no idea it was so expensive. I shouldn't let their "advice" bug me so much. Brett and I left Brittany's around 1pm and headed for home. We loaded up presents for the party tonight, pottied dogs and headed back over to mama and daddy's. I warmed up chile and gave them their meds. I gave daddy a picture of Payton but he didn't believe it was her. I read the devotion and started talking about their options. I asked daddy about the apartment. He said he wanted to be anywhere but there. In the next breath he said he could stay 6 months to a year. I was not prepared for the next part. He accused me of being money hungry. He said I was spending all his money. I told him I was being very careful with his money. He accused me of building a house at the farm with his money. I explained to him we weren't building a house yet. We were going to sell our house and build a house with our own money. I offered to show him his bank statements. He said he wouldn't know what they meant. I teared up at this point and told him he was being very hurtful. He told me he was sorry in a flippant mean voice. I cleared up the dishes and heard mama fussing at him so he told me he was sorry. I know he doesn't know what he is saying but it is extremely hurtful. I really hope tomorrow is a better day. We left there and went to a Christmas party at my mother in laws. We are now home and I am pooped. Have a Merry Christmas everyone.

A couple of things in your last posting caught my eye. The first is that your father continues to talk about killing himself. I urge you not to take such threats lightly. While conventional wisdom holds that folks who say they are going to commit suicide rarely do so, the opposite is true. Most people who kill themselves do in fact talk about doing it before they do. That is why your dad's threats need to be confronted. He may have to be hospitalized and it he want consent he'll have to be involuntarily committed.

The other thing that caught my eye was your reference to the cost of nursing home care. The figure you listed sounds a bit high but such care is indeed very expensive and few can afford it. My own quick research shows that the average cost in your state is just under $5,000 a month. Most people wind up getting Medicaid to pick up the bill. The problem is, Medicaid requires that the patient first exhaust almost most all of his or her own resources. To avoid forefeiting everything they have accumulated over their lifetimes, soome people transfer their property to their heirs beforehand so that it is not "theirs" when they need Medicaid benefits. However, in most states that kind of transfer has to take palce several years before the patient qualifies fo Medicaid's nursing home benefits. This is the type of thing a good eldercare attorney can help you with. It sounds to me as if you could really use such a person. You have so much swirling around you these days. A simple consultation shouldn't cost a great deal. After that you can decide whether you want more services from the lawyer.

I know you are still awaiting a neurological examination and diagnosis for your dad so until you get one you can't be sure how to proceed. However, his repeated talk about taking his own life probably needs to be confronted right away. Otherwise he might make good on his threat before you even know what is wrong with him.

Your dad's depression is very understandable, you know. He sounds as if he has been a strong, independent man for his entire adult life and adjusting to the dependency that is now part of his life is a huge unpleasant change for him. On top of that, his wife has developed cognitive problems, which I can't tell is "dementia" as you keep calling it or Alzheimer's, which is progressive and utlimately terminal. In either case, her declining health probably weighs heavily on your dad and most likely exacerbates his depression.

I think you need a lot of help, Debby, and I hope you focus on getting it ASAP. You are facing more than any person could handle alone. I wish you much success as you push on. I hope you somehow managed to have a merry Christmas today and that the coming new year will bring you a lot more happiness and comfort than you currently have. Good luck.

Today was a pretty good day. We got to the apartment around 10:30 this morning. I gave daddy his meds and checked his sugar. He was very quiet but did not angry acting. Neither one of us talked about the money situation last night. Daddy and mama ate a good lunch. We visited for a bit. Brett turned the tv on and daddy turned it off. We headed over to Brett's grandmothers next. I feel bad, I fell asleep right after we got over there. Brett's grandmot who will be 95 in april made mama and daddy plates for supper. We headed back over to the apartment. Mama and daddy ate very well. Daddy and I went for a walk. We walked quite a ways. I told him I would never misuse his money. He said he knew that and didn't ever want to upset me so much again. He really seemed to enjoy the walk. This was the first day the weather has been nice enough to walk. We walked around fix ridge assited living next door and I talked about it a bit. He didn't show much interest but seemed to really enjoy walking around the big first Assembly of God church. I gave him and mama a few assignments to do in the morning. We are having our big family Christmas party at the apartment tomorrow. Daddy seems excited that the babies are coming over. He wanted to know if he needed to put the pack and play together but thought everyone would just hold the new baby. I had daddy lead the way back to the apartment, he made it just fine. Brett says I am doing too much for them. He thinks I need to work with them to be more independent. Maybe he is right. I definitely think they both need to walk outside as much as possible. Hope everyone had a great Christmas.

Today was an awesome day. I got up, fixed the hubs breakfast, took care of the dogs and headed to the grocery store. I got over to the apartment around 9:30am. Mama and daddy had done all of their assignments, yay! We did meds and sugar. Daddy was in a good mood. He helped me bring in all the presents. It took several trips. i ate lunch with them, then started cooking. Daddy and I made a quick run to Krogers. I had all the food ready by the time everyone got there. Robbie got to come over and see the babies. Daddy and mama both held the new baby. I saw daddy laugh more today than he has since the stroke. We had the most fun watching the 2 year old open her presents. In between opening presents she was feeding us fake food from her kitchen. Brittany left the baby with us for awhile so she and billy could shop. Mama and daddy enjoyed that. We had a very Merry Christmas!

Today was not a good day. I got to the apartment around 8:30am. We did meds and checked sugar. It was rainy and nasty outside. I took mama and daddy shopping at target. Brittany called and asked if I wanted to keep the baby for a little while in the afternoon with mama and daddy. I asked them and they were all for it. I told mama and daddy that I would drop them by the apartment but not stay for lunch. I needed to get some things done before the baby came over. I asked daddy if he was having a good day and he said he was until now but wasn't going to say anything because he didn't want to hurt my feelings again. I dropped them off and headed for home. I had several goals I wanted to accomplish around the house. I actually got quite a bit done and even took an hour nap. After I got up, I ran errands. It was nice to just do some shopping by myself. The hubs is in the deer woods. I headed to the apartment a little after 3pm. Brittany dropped off the baby and left her 11,yr old stepson with us. That did not go so well. Myles wanted to watch tv and daddy wanted it off. At first it was a game then they both started getting mad. I fixed Myles supper then he wanted some trail mix. Daddy wound up taking the trail mix from him but later gave it back. He started acting really weird when Brittany came back. He sat with hid eyes closed and didn't respond when I called she called his name. I had to call his name five times to get him top open his eyes. When he opened his eyes he told me he was exercising his nuclear rights. I was thinking maybe we needed to call an ambulance but mama wanted to wait. I told her I would call when I got home to see if he was doing any better. I called and mama said they were going to bed. I forgot to say that daddy told me I only need to come over once a day but didn't want to hurt my feelings. Not sure what to make of that. Hopefully he was just having a bad day. I told him and mama I would be there at 7 in the morning for breakfast. I told them we are not going to church tomorrow because I am going to greenbrier to help with the baby who still has her days and nights confused. He seemed okay with that as long as I am back in time to fix his supper. I am about to head for bed. I am wondering if daddy is having mini strokes or just sinking in dementia.

Btw, no more talks of suicide and he is being decent to mama. He is back to wanting to kiss and marry Robbie.

Today has been an extremely rough day. It started out good. I got up at 5:30 ate breakfast with mama and daddy and gave daddy his meds. I drove to Greenbrier and kept the baby so Brittany could get some sleep. I stayed until 1pm and headed for home. I was going to take a nap and go out to eat with the hubs. Mama called when I was driving home and said daddy was very agitated and looking in the women's restrooms. She finally said she couldn't handle him anymore and would I come over. I got to the apartment and daddy was extremely confused. I told him I was afraid he had had another stroke and I thought we should go to big baptist. He reluctantly agreed to go. We waited 4 1/2 hrs to get back to the er. We sat in the er 3 hours. The doctor recommended daddy go to Geri psych. I talked to daddy about it and he seemed ok with it. Mama and I took him to the psych hospital. Mama fell on her face in the parking lot. Scared me to death. She was bleeding from her hand and chin. Daddy and I helped her up. We got inside then he got confused. They talked to him and took him back to the ward. The nurse helped me clean mama up. I signed all the consent forms and took mama out in a wheel chair. I got her back to the apartment and cleaned her up and bandaged her. I gave her 2 ibuprofen and headed for home. I am taking the day off tomorrow. I pray they can help daddy.

Mama seemed pretty upbeat this morning. I asked Robbie to go ahead and go see her this morning to keep her in as normal of a routine as possible. I got over to the apartment around 10. Robbie had already doctored mamas face and hands. She looked so much better today and seemed rested. The three of us ate lunch together. Mama asked hoe daddy was doing. I told her he had an agitated spell during the night but they gave him something to calm him down. I left after lunch to go to my cardiology appointment. The hospital asked that we not visit today. The sisters want to go tomorrow. I don't think it is a good idea but I am not going to stop them. I explained to one of his sisters this morning how aggressive he had become. I think she finally realized we had no choice. My kids and daughter in law have been super supportive. They are very angry at the aunts right now. My uncle has been precious, he told me I did the best thing for him. Robbie and mama may go see daddy while I work tomorrow. There is only an hour window in the afternoon and evening when you can visit. I plan to take mama Wednesday afternoon if he is doing good. I have to take mama to the endocrinologist late Wednesday morning. I thought I would take her out to lunch afterwards. We will be closed thurs-Sunday, thank goodness. I promised Brittany I would spend the night Wednesday night since she isn't gett much sleep. I gave her a few ideas for getting little Payton to sleep tonight. Thank you for all of your advice. I really hope I did the right thing.

I am glad your father is getting a medical examination though I don't know exactly what "big Baptist" is. Your father clearly has some rather serious mental problems that seem to come and go. You have to resist the temptation to be lulled into thinking he's well each time he has a good day. The challenge is to find out what is wrong with him and what kind of help he can get. You won't be able to reason with him at every point along the journey that lies ahead. You will sometimes have to annoy or even anger him to get the job done. I hope your spouse is helping you as you wrestle with all of this. I don't know how long he was off on his deer hunt but you really need him close by almost all of the time if you are going to have a prayer of doing what you have to do. I sent you a personal message a few days ago about a medical center in your state that you may or may not know much about. I included a link. You have yet to acknowledge getting that message but I hope you did, just in case it proves helpful. Good luck.

RonA

Mama is doing better. Her face is still messed up. I doctored her up after supper. She actually seems relieved daddy isn't there. Checked on daddy, they are recommending we not visit him until Thursday. The nurses I have talked to have been great with the exception of nurse Lisa, his nurse for today. She is very short and curt on the phone. She told me he had not come out of his room. I asked if he was eating in his room. She told me they have to come out of their room to eat. I asked her if he had not eaten all day. She said he only came out of his room to eat. I asked her if he was talking, she said only to the psychiatrist. I will call early in the morning to get a more in depth report. Maybe nurse Lisa is having a bad day. I have been pretty emotional today. I promised Brittany I would stay up with the baby tomorrow night so I better get some sleep tonight. I think all of this is wearing on the hubs because he has been really snappy tonight. He wants me to take Briitanys dog home tomorrow. I am not sure I can corral him well enough to do that. He is a very energetic 90 pound Weimaraner. pretty down in the dumps tonight. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

We haven't been to see daddy yet. The nurses asked that we wait until tomorrow. I am anxious to see him. He was very agitated on day 1. They have added a sleeping pill and something for anxiety. He is still not socializing but he is talking to the psychiatrist which is a huge start. Mama is getting around better since her fall. I finally talked her into using a cane, we just can't find hers. I plan to find her a good one. I took her to uams today for a visit to the endocrinologist. Her bones are alarmingly thin. She will go back next week for an infusion that should prevent more degeneration of her bones. I will get Robbie to take her so I don't have to miss any more work than is necessary. She almost fell in the apartment parking lot. I just had a really good hold on her this time. I am doing better today. I had a little crying spell last night. I am on Mimi duty with the little princess tonight so I am going to give that little angel tons of kisses. Things are starting to come together. Brett has pretty much finished the main part of the house renovation. He just lacks the playroom. I am enjoying his handiwork. Brittany's dog is going home Friday or Saturday so we will be down to our normal dog crew. Mama is doing much better without daddy than I thought she would. This gives me hope if we do have to put him in a nursing home. I have tried to be proactive and check on some long term nursing home facilities for him. I will update after we see him tomorrow. I think I am going to have a selfish pamper myself day Friday.

I think it is great that  you are planning a "selfish pamper myself day." You have more than earned one, so enjoy. Reading all of your posts I am awed by all that you are attempting to do. I don't see how you can go on much longer, especially if your caregiving duties for your mother and father are only part of your workload. You have a job, right? And you recently kept a baby for someone. Meanwhile you are having to deal with an unemployed husband who gets "snappy" after returning from a deer hunt. It's quite the workload. You need to take care to avoid breaking yourself. I hope you see an eldercare lawyer before much longer. If you are nearing the day when your dad will need a nursing home there are several things you need to know and investigate.. Take care, Debby. And Happy New Year.