Christmas was so wonderful. I woke up with a smile on my face and fell asleep with a smile on my face. I spent time with both sides of my family and it was so much fun Everything worked out great. It's just so amazing to actually be able to enjoy myself. This is what happiness feels like! I have come such a long way. Last Christmas I was still having seizures and depressed about having to move back home. Thank God I dont have seizures anymore and I was able to really enjoy myself with NO anxiety!

After my last entry, I did some driving and hanging out. I took my cousin out to breakfast then her, my boyfriend, and I went to the library for an anime/manga program. I want to learn to draw as one of my new hobbies. I faced my fears and went back to church. I had a panic attack before getting out of the car but I just breathed. Church was wonderful and my boyfriend enjoyed it as well. I had another anxiety attack when I got back to my apartment and after I got back to my apartment from driving my boyfriend home.

Last Monday was my first day just being in my apartment and not going anywhere. I went for a long walk around the park after my therapist and case manager left but other than that I was trying to train myself to be content in my apartment. To make a long story short, I could not volunteer at the rec center yet, my router locked up on my internet so I could not use my computer or stream movies and I had another kinda break down from trying so hard to readjust to just being in my apartment so I came back to my dad's house for the holiday.

I've still had anxiety attacks since I been here for about a week but I just breathe through them and doing things just feel more natural. I dont think about every little thing I do. My dad takes me out with him to run errands everyday. I can lay in bed and watch tv without feeling depressed, alone, and scared. I even went to my bible study group Friday night and had no attacks for the first time. My dad dropped me off and picked me up so I didnt have to worry about the long ride home, getting dropped off, showering, trying to fall asleep by myself in my apartment.

I haven't even worried about working since I've been here. I just look at it as a Christmas vacation. I've thought about moving back in with my dad once my lease is up in April. I obviously need socialization and do better when Im not alone. I've been applying for jobs but I have so many doctor appointments in January on top of pastoral counseling and meeting with my therapist every week, I might just continue looking for volunteer opportunities.

Besides drawing, I want to learn to play the guitar with both hands. I was so excited when I played a chord or whatever its called using my left hand at the guitar center. The guy that works there gave me a free pick. The arts & crafts store is right next to the guitar center so I plan to go there soon and find some things I can work on at my apartment when Im not out volunteering/working. I just want to feel peace joy and freedom in my apartment. I beat the depression and Im managing the anxiety better each day but I got to continue this progress when I go back to my apartment and not let bad memories flood my mind with anxiety 24/7.

Thanks for your comments and support. I love you guys. I do want a pet but there are no pets allowed at my apartment complex. I talked to my property manager about my condition though so she might allow me to have one if I can get a letter from my psychiatrist saying its medically necessary. With the increase in SSDI, I might even be able to afford a pet next year (month)