I decided to come back to my apartment last Friday. My boyfriend spent the day with me but it was very overwhelming. After he left, it was more overwhelming. I made it through the night by myself and he came back and spent the weekend with me. It still was not easy.

This week I tried my best to stay busy. I joined a therapeutic recreation center for people with disabilities and seniors until I can become a volunteer and do more administrative work. Each morning we start with fitness in the gym. Monday we did arts and crafts then I came back to my apartment and met with my therapist. Tuesday we cooked breakfast, then my dad took me grocery shopping and helped me cook dinner when we got back to my apartment. Wednesday, we did zumba then my dad took me to the store. Wednesday was my first day driving by myself to the rec center and back. Thursday, we played the wii video game then I went out to lunch with my friend from church. Later that evening I drove to my other church friend's house and we talked for a little bit. Yesterday we went on a field trip to the outlet mall.

Each morning I wake up and turn the tv on just to have noise. I dont have cable so I usually end up listening to the news and in the evenings I just try to find game shows. I haven't had to deal with the annoying daytime talk shows and courts shows since I've been staying gone most of the day. I was hoping and believing the medication would stop the panic attacks (since I feel like I've tried so many other methods) but unfortunately I have still had a few. I have had more anxiety than full blown panic so thats good I guess.

Everything is just a balancing act. I can't even explain how I feel. I can't tell when Im sad or just feeling normal. I put so much pressure on myself to enjoy the moment when Im trying to have fun that I end up having anxiety attack anyway. Don't spend so much time out/around others that Im afraid/sad to go home/be here by myself. Don't spend so much time in my living room that I get anxiety when I see my bed. Don't stay in my bedroom so much that I get flooded with panic attack memories when I go in my living room to sit on the couch and watch a movie. Try to enjoy myself while Im around others and don't worry about what Im going to do when I get alone. Im proud of myself for making it through this week, facing fears, showering alone, driving, calming myself instead of getting more upset and spending time with others and alone without falling into depression. I hope that with medication, therapy, and a daily routine that involves being around others and having time to myself, I will beat the panic disorder, depression and not have anxiety anymore.