I tried going back to my apartment last Sunday because I was just tired of laying here depressed at my dad's house. I made it through the evening and the night but I had to call my dad to pick me back up on Monday. I could not stop crying and I didn't want to be at my apartment but I didn't want to come back to my dad's house. He picked me up and we went visiting my older brothers and their kids but I still couldn't stop crying so I had to come back and stay with my dad.

Seems like my meds finally kicked in on Thanksgiving morning! I woke up and smiled for the first time in a long time. It's like the heaviness was lifted from me and God wrapped me in His arms and said "you're safe now." I went to Thanksgiving dinner with my family that day. I started to get a little anxious and exhausted that night but I breathed through the anxiety and my oldest brother that had visited me at the hospital held my hand until I felt okay.

A few weeks ago I was having panic attacks back to back, emotionally exhausted, feeling like things were not getting any better, afraid to go anywhere or do anything. But ever since Thanksgiving I have had joy. I wake up in the morning and smile. I even successfully stayed the night at my apartment again on Friday and drove my car (with my boyfriend in the passenger seat). I have been able to ride all around town with my dad with no fear. I block out the "weird" feelings and don't even acknowledge the anxiety because I know there is nothing to be afraid of and nothing is going to happen.

Im just tired of the waiting game. I guess because my stroke was at 12, I've always hated waiting on things to change that are beyond my control. I thought my services would already be set up for me when I got out of the hospital but I had to WAIT to meet with my nurse care manager, WAIT to meet my Outreach counselor, and I have been WAITING to get approved for services (in home therapy, transportation, etc.)

Yesterday I had my appointment with Vocational Rehab. I had already been WAITING since September to meet my counselor and this was the only thing I had to look forward to so when she told me I have to WAIT for a referral to the employment agencies they work with, then WAIT for them to find me a part time job, it was disappointing. I just want to work. I just want to go back to my apartment and not feel like things are the same as they were since April. I want to get on with my life. I have been unemployed since last Thanksgiving. I had to WAIT for the seizures to stop, I've been in therapy WAITING for the anxiety to get better which only turned into panic disorder. I don't want to go sit in my apartment and wait anymore. Sure I've thought of other things I can do and I have friends and family that can visit. But I have to learn to block out those memories of all the attacks I had in that apartment and it would be easier to live there again by myself if I had a new routine which includes working and not trying to think of what I can do every hour of the day from the time I wake up at 5am until I go to bed at 9 pm like I'd been doing for the past 7 months.

It sucks that no one thinks Im ready to jump into a full time position but of course most part time jobs are things I can't do like fast food and retail so I kinda have no choice but to wait on the agencies to help me and with the holidays slowing things down, I really dont want to wait until next month (YEAR) to start working.

*Good news: SSA had been underpaying me this year so I got a nice check this month that helped me pay my car insurance for 6 months, vehicle tax, and get it inspected with money leftover. I also have not heard from the medical review board yet so I can continue driving as long as Im comfortable. Im going to look into some volunteer opportunities today.