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New Days and New Emotions (an old blog, 6/05)


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I am struggling. I don't know why it's hitting me right now, but it is frightening. I suppose it is the realization that Bill has so many deficits, the fact that it's been 3 months since his last stroke, and with every day I fear the next one is closer, the new pains he is experiencing, the fact that he has become a little testy this week, life itself..........

 

I'm frustrated because since October 2004 I've gained 25# and I'm not having much success getting it off..the motivation is there, then stress steps in and I reach for the wrong thing. Bill has asked repeatedly if I'm going to do anything about it this summer. I know he doesn't remember asking, but since my weight has been an issue since I was a child I'm about ready to scream. The other evening I got upset and told him that he may not realize it but he is asking me what I'm going to do about my weight almost everyday and I've about had it. He got angry and said he hadn't been asking me anything about it and ya, dah, dah, dah (I really don't need to rehash it). I've heard so many times how I've "hurt his feelings" but then, I feel that my feelings shouldn't ever be hurt. (Now I'm sounding like a real baby....)

 

I feel like I want to run.......but then I know that this will pass and running is the last thing I want to do. I've always said I want to be his "help-mate", now I have the opportunity to be that and I want to be the BEST.....He is being rather testy about my involvement with his treatment, too. It is sort of like he doesn't want me to say anything, he wants to tell the therapists what HE wants and doesn't really want to work. When asked what he is doing, he tells them he's doing everything - dressing (not), preparing food (not), then when I blow his cover he gets angry. I think that's what has led to his attitude right now. I'm beginning to harden to it though.. and even that frightens me - I'm reminded here that my helping him will include being tough, so I guess I'll just have to let my skin get a little thicker, too.

 

Now it's time to shower and fold clothes and clean the house and do the dishes....boy, I'm sounding like a spoiled brat ready to through a tantrum!!! :nuhuh:

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Ann,

 

You do not sound like a spoiled brat. Caregiving is not for sissies, remember? It's full of these kinds of stress and weight gain is certainly another by-product of the job. I can personally attest to that. We are all under stress of one kind or another in our attempts to be the best caregivers we can be. Vent and have as many temtrums here as you like. I'm sure there are many caregivers who can identify and give you cyber hugs.

 

:friends:

 

Jean

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Hi Ann,

 

I wanted to share something about the extra weight concern - and my related experience. When I have some extra pounds that I need to take off and have found when I'm at that point, I feel really icky about myself -- and it has the opportunity to seep out and affect my relationships with my family (especially my husband). My husband no longer address my extra weight through an appearance issue but as his genuine concern for my health. That helped us tremendously. Another avenue that works for me is weight watchers. I'm an avid fan. The program requires a lot of accountability to your friends/members. It's a pretty sad life that I will let myself down, but not my friends...... If you are feeling better about yourself - some of the other issues may be easier to cope with. (p.s. - I have a sister in law who carries some extra weight - maybe as much as 20 lbs or so. She exercises faithfully every day. What is so interesting is even though she is carry extra weight, she is incredibly healthy. Her BP is perfect, her glucose is perfect, her heart rate is great, her blood work is great... she really is a testimony to what exercise can do for people.... course I've not followed her lead.) Take care Ann. -Karen

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Ann, your Bill and my Ray are both "nurse pleasers" so will say yes to all the questions. It is okay, the therapists can TELL if Ray has been working so I don't have to tell them Ray isn't doing the work.

 

I have an ambivalent feeling myself most of the time. Should I stay and put up with the work, stress etc or go and have to live with the consequences of that decision? Some people see this as a acceptance issue, but I don't think it is, it is more a choice issue to me. Making it a choice gives me the feeling of freedom in the situation.

 

So today I choose to stay and I might make the same decision tomorrow....if he is lucky.

 

Sue.

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Ann,

Bill is probably pointing out your weight as a defense/diversion to what is going on with him. Kind of like, "OH YA! You want me to work harder on therapy? Well when are YOU gonna work on losing weight?" (That is a bit extreme of an example, but it was the easiest way to get my point across)

 

I am sorry to hear that things are rough right now. Kind of feels like you are treading water, right?

 

Hang in there, you will get through it. Better days are on the horizon.

 

Kristen

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